So you wanna work in TV, huh?

You want to break the mold, create new genre-spanning shows packed with multi-faceted characters spitting witty, relevant, realistic dialogue as they explore real-world issues and… Oh. You just want to write some formulaic comedy dross in the hope of picking up desperate waitress/model/actresses? Well good, cause I got nothing on that first thing.

Sitcoms are piss-easy. You pick the situation and then comes the comedy. "But Mr. Monkey," I hear you cry through my telepathy (my gift and my curse), "where does this comedy spring from?" Well, dear reader, you have to populate your situation with exactly the same characters, every time. Seriously. Doesn’t matter where you put them: a bar, the Army, a spaceship, a coffee shop, a remote island, a nerd lair. Pick your setting and a selection of the stereotypes below, and the comedy will flow like snot from a weeping toddler.

The Stupid One

In real life, stupid people are quite fantastically annoying. If you’ve ever stood behind one in line at the ATM, fuming and growling as they scratch their gormless faces, punching buttons randomly like a toddler, you’ll know exactly what I mean. Rather than being amused by their gimpy ineptitude you become intensely frustrated and want to take an iron bat to their stupid bastard heads.

In sitcom world however, stupid people are comedy gold, misunderstanding the simplest thing, being baffled by everyday life, generally bumbling along getting giggles for being so bastard thick. And while many real stupid people are actually thuggish fuckers who resort to violence or verbal abuse to communicate what their micro-minds can’t, when writing The Stupid One it’s generally a good idea to make them totally sweet- like a retard without the odd facial features and occasional violent fits. Write the character like a 5 year old child; endlessly confused and fascinated by the world. Then if you fancy you can throw in an occasional searing insight to “shock” the audience.

Examples: Father Dougal ("Father Ted"), Baldrick ("Blackadder"), Rose ("Golden Girls"), Woody Boyd ("Cheers"), Ralph Wiggum ("The Simpsons"), Steve Urkel (that show Urkel was on), Beavis ("Beavis and Butt-head")

Tips: Pick a stupid catchphrase. As banal as you like. “I never knew that!” or “I’m a bit lost…” or “You know back in…”

The Sex Hungry One

Again, in real life a person who constantly wore their basest drive like an apron with an arrow pointing to their groin would be pretty intolerable. A slut or a sleaze so pronounced that a mere five minute conversation would prompt a desire to take a shower in scalding acid just to get yourself clean. Not so in sitcom land, where such sex-pest behavior is at minimum funny (rather than creepy or sad) and at best super-cool awesome.

Once you’ve established the horndog/cock-slut credentials of your main character you can wring more painful yuks from them by having them get into *gasp* serious relationships or examine if their lecherous behavior actually makes them happy. Just don’t delve too deep on the latter or you’ll have your character hanging themselves with cheesewire as they realize what a gaping void they must have inside to act in such a way.

Examples: The Fonz ("Happy Days"), Wolowitz ("Big Bang Theory"), Quagmire ("Family Guy"), Charlie Harper ("Two and a Half Men"), Samantha ("Sex and the City"), Blanche Devereaux ("Golden Girls"), Sam Malone ("Cheers"), The Todd ("Scrubs")

Tips: No date-rape jokes, hysterical as they are.

The Stupid Sex Hungry One

A distinct synthesis of the two above, The SSHO skirts the problem of self examination by simply making the sex-crazed character really dumb. It's easy!

One slight issue here, however, is that because sitcom dumb is so dumb that having any other character actually do it with this one makes it seem a little like they're committing child abuse.

Examples: Joey ("Friends"), The Cat ("Red Dwarf"), Kelly Bundy ("Married with Children")

Tip: Make them really attractive, make them always love the sex and never, ever give the idea that a large part of their life consists of being lured into vans with promises of puppies or sweets.

The ‘Funny’ One

Ideally, you want all your characters to be funny. You’re writing a sitcom, for fuck's sake. If your players are constantly weeping and having dry discussions about literature then you’re doing something seriously wrong. However, The Funny One in this case is a character seen as funny within the program. He thinks he’s funny, other characters recognize him as funny, even if the audience doesn’t find him so.

This guy can really just be a mouth piece for any joke you have, no matter how lame. He's particularly useful for underscoring or explaining any visual gags. Remember, you can never underestimate your audience. So, if character comes in dressed as a rabbit, TFO will say “So… what’s up, doc?”. Or if he’s pushing a car he’ll complain of being “exhausted.” Or if a fat person walks past they’ll say “Damn, that chick could jump in the air and get stuck!” You get the idea.

Examples: Ralph Malph ("Happy Days"), Chandler ("Friends"), Bud Bundy ("Married with Children"), Will Smith ("Fresh Prince of Bel Air"), Uncle Joey ("Full House")

Tip: If you get stuck for gags just watch old Muppet Show re-runs and steal Fozzie Bear’s jokes wholesale. Just don’t keep the “wakka-wakka-wakka!” at the end as that’s a bit obvious.

The Kooky One

Odd, off-beat, strange, weird. These words usually go hand in hand with unsavory terms like creepy, unsettling, hippie or "the cold dead eyes of a killer." But not in sitcom world! In sitcom land being a little different is not rewarded by a social shunning or a beating with sticks as it is in most civilized societies. What to you or I would range from mildly disturbing or to outright mentally-electroshock-rubber-truncheon-straight-jacket-ill behavior is welcomed as interesting or cute.

Even more than normal, realism must go out the window with this character. Never use actual mentally ill people as examples. Here's some example dialogue.

Examples: Phoebe ("Friends"), Cliff Claven ("Cheers"), Sheldon Cooper ("The Big Bang Theory"), Screech ("Saved by the Bell"), Mork ("Mork and Mindy"), Bryan ("Spaced"), the Janitor ("Scrubs"), Kramer ("Seinfeld")

Tip: You know all the really weird David Lynch stuff? Nothing like that.

The Mean One

Mean sitcom characters are one of the more realistic types of characters. We all know assholes; just write what one of them would say and amp it up to 11. The main fantasy element with mean characters is that all the other characters inexplicably tolerate the outright abuse heaped on them at every turn. Remember this is a sitcom, normally a crack like, "I hope you get ovarian cancer you dried up little slut-bag," would prompt at least an argument and quite possibly a axe-fight but here just as mental illness, retardation and sex-pestery are seen as fine, so is unbelievable cuntitude.

So go for the gusto. You think so-and-so should get hit in the face? Have the mean one hit them in the face. With a bottle. Of flesh eating beetles. Everyone loves a bit of physical comedy. Plus as The Mean One, the audience gets to vicariously see what secretly every single one of them would love to do: slap that crying child, verbally scald that moronic attendant, tell our friend she looks like a desperate whore or spend a full ten minutes kicking a hobo to death.

Examples: Sophia Petrillo ("Golden Girls"), Father Jack ("Father Ted"), Carla ("Cheers"), Blackadder ("Blackadder" II, III and IV), Eric Cartman ("South Park"), Bernard Black ("Black Books"), Stewie Griffin ("Family Guy"), Dr Cox ("Scrubs")

Tip: Put yourself in the situation. Strip away all morality, politeness, social convention. Be totally, totally selfish. And go.

The Tragic Loser

In life, much like in Monopoly, there are winners and there are losers. Some people get ahead and some go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass Go and do not collect $200. Your Tragic Loser, however, wouldn’t even get to going to Jail, he’d have picked up the dice and they would have exploded sending shards of plastic into his face after getting lead poisoning from the top hat which he didn’t even want to be in the first place. He wanted to be the little dog.

Walking down the street he’s the one a bird will crap on. While he was looking up. With his mouth open. He’s the one who goes on a blind date to discover it's with a one-eyed peg legged dwarf. Who rejects him.

Now, bad things happening to people is funny, but make sure to make your Tragic Loser basically unlikeable. Seeing someone get kicked in the nuts once is funny. Seeing the same guy get kicked in the nuts 14,367 times starts to get a little upsetting. To combat this, make sure that the audience want to see him get kicked in the nuts. Make him whiny and annoying so that when he does get kicked in the nuts, rather that any exhibit any sympathy the audience will think, “Ha ha! That’s what you get for being slightly nasal and a bit annoying! Both your arms broken in a freak duck-feeding accident! That’s justice!”

Examples: Arnold Rimmer ("Red Dwarf"), Ross Geller ("Friends"), Fry ("Futurama"), Alan Harper ("Two and a Half Men"), George Costanza ("Seinfeld"), David Brent/Michael Scott ("The Office")

Tip: Hurt them. Hurt them badly. Sitcom characters have the durability of Woverine. A comedy bandage and next episode they are as good as new, fresh for new abuse.

The Obsessive One

Once again proving, as if it was ever in any doubt, that mental illness is hilarious, The Obsessive One is just that: ob-sessed. Doesn’t matter what they’re obsessed about- cleaning, drinking, tea, little things wrong with dates, guns, fighting bears, whatever. That is what they are about, and woe betide anyone who gets in their way. Should you be feeling generous, you can gift The Obsessive One with other bits of personality, but they basically are their obsession. Bear Fighter McGraw may enjoy Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals, but you know what he REALLY likes? He likes fighting bears.

The comedy, besides the obvious hilarity borne of someone enslaved to one interest at the expense of everything else, comes from bringing other characters into conflict with the obsession. "What’s that, Dave? You threw away his special bear-stranglin’ gloves? Hoo boy! Is he gonna be mad!"

Examples: Monica ("Friends"), Norm ("Cheers"), Jerry Seinfeld ("Seinfeld"), Kryten ("Red Dwarf"), Mike ("Spaced"), Mrs Doyle ("Father Ted")

Tip: You might think that this character would get repetitive. You’d be right. But audiences love that. Hell, throw in a catchphrase and they’ll be actively willing the situation to happen

The Normal One

Freaks, geeks and losers are great but sometimes you need an every-person. Someone not likely to make sexual innuendos, start massaging auras or twitch uncontrollably when someone drops crumbs on the floor. Boring? Yes. Reasonable? Unfortunately. Likable? Probably. Often this is your anchor, the person who the audience relate to and who will react in the same way they might “You brought 50 weasels to my apartment? Why would you do that?”

Essentially a blank slate for the audience to project upon, The Normal One should have generally positive features but not be too successful, clever or moral. After all, no one likes people that that.

Examples: Rachel Greene ("Friends"), Stan Marsh ("South Park"), Dave Lister ("Red Dwarf"), Mindy ("Mork and Mindy"), Tim ("Spaced"), Tim/Jim ("The Office"), Martin Crane ("Fraiser")

Tip: Be careful with your normal one. The Loser, The Stupid One, you can fuck their shit up everyday. But if the audience is putting themselves in TNO’s shoes it’s probably best not to set those shoes on fire.

Once you’ve picked your archetypes (Remember you don’t necessarily need them all) throw them in the situation and it writes itself. Observe-

Situation: Pet Shop

See? Hilarious. Now get out there and write me a hit show!

flywingedmonkey@btinternet.com
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