Mad science is in my blood. With a name like "Murderstein," there weren't many other jobs for me in the civilized world. From the Viking merchant and chemist Olaf the Hairy to the more recent (WWII) robotics expert, Wilhelm von Murderstein III, several doomsday devices and formulas are cluttering up the family castle's loft. As I need space for my Megadeth Ray (it melts your face off with hot licks), I've decided to sell some of the items.
The inventory is as follows:
Olaf the Hairy's Wondrous Baldness Tonic, Olaf's Miraculous Baldness Tonic, The Antidote
7 bottles tonics, 14 bottles antidotes.
Although the price Olaf always charged was a bar of soap and seven eggs for the Wondrous Baldness Tonic; three bars, ten eggs, and a chicken for Miraculous tonic; and two cows, four chickens, and a broadsword for the antidote, I will offer them at the following prices: one bottle of each of this valuable family secret for seven thousand dollars (in nickels and dimes), or the equivalent weight in Kryptonite.
Using thorough animal testing, I have discovered the difference between the "Wondrous" and "Miraculous" tonics. The "Wondrous" brew makes you bald by giving you incurable, terminal cancer. The "Miraculous" brew is easily cured by a thorough application of the antidote or men's Rogaine.
Due to the inherent suspicion in doomsday weapon buyers, I must explain how baldness might be used to incite anarchy. In Viking society, the leaders were always the manliest. Contrary to belief, manliness was not only measured in Vikings by their kills and cleanliness, but also their hairiness. When their local chieftains were bald from their head to their feet, the only cure was a visit to Olaf, who was quite often hidden safely away in a cave where he kept his stock. The weakening leader's enemies would rise up. Quite often they'd be slaughtered, and their property would be distributed. Olaf made sure to snatch up any livestock, securing his fortune for a dowry to the daughter of the owner of our next item. Further use of the tonic allowed him and his war sheep to take over his settlement.
Sicarius Rabiosus of Britain's Firework Gatling Gun (blueprints only)
Sicarius Rabiosus was a doctor stationed at a Roman outpost near what is now London. He used herbal medicine, which was about seventy times as effective as regular Roman treatments, but didn't earn as much respect. With a name translating to "Murdering Madman," politics were out of the question. The only option for power was to study natural science.
As it turned out, the Roman soldiers, traveling Vikings and some local Celts liked to drink in the camp outside Sicarius' room. This was very noisy. A certain merchant had bought some fireworks on his last trading expedition. This was even noisier, much to their chagrin.
Sicarius, however, listened to how they were used and conceived a massive weapon, using tales of the "Whacha." He didn't get all the stories, though. He made a Gatling gun. I do not know if it worked, I have the detailed drawings and plans for it.
The Celts, Vikings, or other Romans were not seen again.
On the beach, he met the trader who had bought the fireworks, one Olaf the Hairy, and the two hit it off on their way to Rome. Sicarius gave his daughter Sicaria's hand in marriage to Olaf in order to cement the friendship of the era's greatest mad scientists.
The blueprints will run you $500. Alternative payment may be discussed.
Wilhelm Von Murderstein's Magnificent Siege Engines (one working, 3 FUBAR, two sets of blueprints)
The family laid off of mad science for a few centuries, after Sicaria and Olaf's child failed to come up with a device. That all changed however, when Wilhelm Von Murderstein, heir to Olaf's fortune, Copernicus, and Leonardo Da Vinci met by chance. Wilhelm recognized the "Sanies" (as we are wont to call normal scientists) instantly, and realized Da Vinci was almost a mad scientist himself. The gents discussed the finer points of the universe's machinations, Wilhelm hoping to learn secrets, Copernicus getting his point out, and Da Vinci for artistic inspiration.
When Copernicus put forth his Heliocentric theory, Wilhelm zoned out. He heard "Blazing" and "light" and "center", which gave him an idea- some sort of fire-breathing armored carriages! With these, he could surely win the hand of the daughter of the local Duke, but if it did not, he would have the Duke's throne nonetheless!
Reaching the Duke's estate, which was walled in, he requested an audience. When he first showed the Duke the vehicles, which were pulled by two horses on either side, the duke laughed- shortly before being incinerated. Wilhelm conquered the castle, although the Duchy was given to someone else, with their own castle. He did, however, marry the late duke's daughter. Deciding a castle to pass through the generations would be enough, he settled down and had a family.
The blueprints are four hundred-thousand Euros each, the working vehicle four thousand, and the defunct ones nine hundred Oman Rial. Once again, I will also discuss alternative payment.
I confess, these items are all I feel comfortable ridding myself of at the time- the others are just too precious to me. Upon completion of my next project- a rabies launcher- I may decide to sell some robots.
