Welcome to the first installment of Great Works in Evil Literature, bringing you the best in unpleasant written work and links to contemporary remakes for those of you too lazy to read the originals. Philistines.

I dug through my massive library for all of twenty seconds to find today's spotlight. It's an obvious choice. The Revenger's Tragedy, by an unknown author (usually credited as either Cyril Tourneur or Thomas Middleton), published around 1607 or so.

The Duke murders Vindice's fiance Gloriana when she refuses to sleep with him, and Vindice is righteously pissed. Instead of beating the Duke to a bloody pulp at the first opportunity like the rest of us would do, he waits. We're not talking about waiting for a couple of hours while you stock up on garbage bags and shower curtains, we're talking years. While Vindice bides his time, the Duke's youngest son rapes lord Antonio's wife and manages to avoid the noose. The Duchess is busy falling in love with the Duke's bastard son Spurio, because it's totally natural to lust after your husband's illegitimate child while your son is on trial for rape.

Vindice dresses up in the seventeenth century equivalent of velvet and leopard print and calls himself Piato the Pimp (except "the Pimp" is more implied than actually spelled out, but Piato the Pimp is just so catchy) and joins the Duke's court. While undercover, Piato/Vindice offers his sister to the Duke's son Lussurioso so that he can tell the young noble that his mom and step-brother are at it like bunnies behind yonder curtain. The poor guy runs behind yonder curtain with his sword drawn only to catch mom and dad in the sack. The Duke, thinking that Lussurioso is here to kill him and usurp the throne, throws the traumatized youth into prison and meets up with Piato/Vindici to set up some private time with a whore. Vindici agrees and sets up the date, which apparently takes place in a very dark, very perfume-doused room. I make this assumption because Vindice dresses up the several year-old corpse of his fiance and covers her in poison. When the Duke wanders in, he somehow misses the fact that the body he's having sex with is basically a skeleton with a little bit of skin still clinging to it. Vindice reveals the delightful surprise to a no-longer excited Duke, who is slowly dying of either the poison or sheer disgust. He manages to stay alive just long enough to see his wife have sex with his son, though.

While all of this loveliness is happening, the Duke's other two sons accidentally get their younger brother executed while trying to get Lussurioso killed for treason. Whoops.

Vindice shows up at the end and kills everybody except Antonio, who's wife was raped by the Duke's kid back in the beginning, and Antonio arrests Vindice and his brother for being so royally fucked up.

But at least Vindice's sister never slept with Lussurioso, so that's good.

Too lazy to read the play? Watch the movie.

This concludes today's Great Works in Evil Literature. I'd say it was a pleasure condensing one of literature's greatest works for you, but I'd be lying. I hate you all. Pick up a book, you lazy fools.

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