Being a top level supervillain is difficult. Fitting in the plots, the world conquering devices, the evil, all while keeping minions in line and leaving a little me-time. It's hard.
But here at the ISS we've identified some Training courses to help you out. You can sign up for them at the rec center, but mind the explosions.
Mortal Kombat People Management
- Scream "Finish Him!" at your staff whenever something is late.
- Scream "Finish Him!" at your staff whenever someone displeases you.
- Constantly have your staff vying for the top positions (although unlike "Highlander Management" there can be more than one). Give them a constantly fluctuating ranking and pay them according to their ranking. Encourage them to pick a "Mortal Enemy" from among the other staff and double their kudos when they get one over on them. Or kill them.
- Scream "Finish Him!" at your staff whenever they drink their coffee too slowly.
- Say "Excellent!" or "Toasty!" whenever they do something well.
- Say "Flawless Victory!" whenever they perform particularly brilliantly/ hack the head off a pesky supplier.
Fonzie Electrical Engineering
Fix anything in three simple steps:
1) Tap device (jukebox, motorcycle, jammed door, photocopier) with side of fist.
2) Device will repair.
3) Say "eyyyyyyyy"
Advanced version of this course give ability to either attract women or dole out much-needed abortions with a click of the fingers.
Scotty Time Management
Do you have an unreasonable manager constantly making demands of your time and asking you to give up valuable whiskey-drinking and ass-scratching time with work? Take this course and learn how to manage your time and your boss' expectations. Some tips:
- When asked direct questions include nonsense words in your answers "the Morthatin module," "Urawanka charts," "Hookoker costings."
- Lie wherever possible. Triple amount of time something will take when quoting time requirements. Demand a 12-man team for a 2-man task. Estimate the costs of things wildly over budget then blow any extra money on coke and hookers.
- If you have to tell the truth make sure these truths are ball-staggeringly obvious. "I canna change the laws of physics!" or "We can only do what we can do!" or "An engine is a engine," or "It'll take as long as it takes," or "Ye don't want to know what that's for."
- When pressed lapse into unrecognizable brogue.
Bondian Problem Solving
Overcome any problem with the use of:
a) a handy device for that very problem cleverly disguised as a Pez-despenser.
b) A good shooting.
c) Your schlong.
Dark Lord Motivational Techniques
Get unquestioning and often unreasonable obedience from your employees.
- Wear a cloak over foolish apparel (e.g. purple underwear, black leather or a clown suit). If anyone passes comment butcher them immediately.
- Develop silly speech impediment- rasping voice; manic, gay laugh; asthmatic wheeze. If anyone dares laugh slaughter them immediately.
- Constantly belittle, mock and abuse your underlings. Only offer praise when they belittle, mock or abuse another member of the team.
- Set massively unrealistic goals for them. If they fail, then cripple them, give them a mocking nickname (like "Wheelchoor", "Two-Bad" or "Lame-o") and give them another, even harder, task.
- Pit the more pathetic of your team against nigh-invincible opponents. Once they inevitably lose say "You have failed me for the last time!" and throttle the shit out of them.
- Have plans that involve job loss/ home loss/ deaths of huge numbers of people. Ensure that at least one of your staff members' family is affected by this plan. If they dare bring it up be massively casual about it to drive home how meaningless they are and how awesome you are.
- In contrast to your casualness about the maiming and death of other people throw huge, angry tantrums when things don't go your way. If, for example, your coffee is too sweet drive home how upset you are by setting 10,000 jackals on some baby bunnies. Your staff will soon ensure that everything goes your way.
