I love beating on superheroes when they're in the midst of personal tragedy. It takes less time, so I get to punch out early and catch up on all those back episodes of "CSI: Miami" I have saved. Sometimes, though-and I know I'm not the only supervillain who feels this way-our nemeses are so bad off that it seems like they're pretty much going to destroy themselves.

We signed up for this villain thing because we wanted to pound these spandex-clad goody-goodies into the ground, but there's a point where it's just not fun anymore because they're so lame. If we wanted angst-ridden self-loathing, we'd just start picking fights with 14 year old girls at Hot Topic.

Rogue

The first boy Rogue ever kissed ended up in a coma because she sucked out his life force. Then Mystique adopted her and played on the girl's self-loathing to recruit her into the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, which Rogue became comfortable with after knocking out yet another boy who locks lips with her (you'd think she would have learned the first time). Rogue eventually gained all of Ms. Marvel's powers in a long drawn-out battle royale before being defeated several times by Dazzler.

Let that sink in for a minute. A mutant with Ms. Marvel's superpowers and the ability to absorb the life force of anyone making contact with her skin was defeated by a disco singer who turns sound waves into light. Multiple times.

Another side-effect of Rogue's powers is the absorption of her victim's memories, which slowly eats away at her sanity. It's not even worth it to fight this chick. Just stick her in a room with a bunch of violent Limp Bizkit fans. She'll suck up their life force to knock them out, get their memories, and end up using her powers on herself to end the agony of knowing all of Fred Durst's lyrics by heart.

The Human Torch

His mom died in a tragic car accident. His dad became a drunk and landed in prison after killing a loan shark. He turned into a giant zippo lighter at the age of 16, as if puberty wasn't going to be awkward enough. Then, just to prove that teenagers should never have superhuman powers, he quit the Fantastic Four twice, the first time to set an enraged Namor on a quest to destroy humanity, and the second time to join a circus.

He fell in love with the young Inhuman Crystal, who left him to marry Magneto's son, proving once and for all that villains are indisputably sexier than heroes. When Johnny tried to hook up with his old high-school flame (sorry, couldn't help myself), he found out that she was also married and had two kids.

Let this be a lesson, kids. Don't give in to peer pressure. Cosmic rays don't make you cool, they just make you a loser who can't hang onto a girlfriend.

Spider-Man

Initially, we really enjoyed picking on this guy. First, he was a dorky high-schooler (and who among us doesn't enjoy tormenting awkward adolescents with glasses?) and then a freelance photographer whose mere existence seemed to piss off his boss. Add the crippling guilt over his dearly departed Uncle Ben and constant fear for the safety of his Aunt and redheaded girlfriend, and we've got ourselves a hero that deserves repeated kicks to the kidneys for having such terrible luck.

Then he had to go and get himself cloned. Twice. When the first clone, Kaine, was considered a failure, the Ben Riley clone was born, who lost a fight with the original Peter Parker in Shea Stadium and was dumped in a smoke stack. Depressed and in need of a shower, Riley left the Big Apple, got better, fought the Kaine clone because Kaine thought he was Peter Parker, and then Riley actually had to become Spider-Man instead of the Scarlet Spider because Peter Parker was going to be a daddy, and then Riley was bonded to the Carnage symbiote and became Spider Carnage, and...

Okay, I don't even know who I'm supposed to kill anymore. I'm going back home and watching my soaps. At least I can follow those stupid things. Also, if your alter-ego was born after a miserable loss at Shea Stadium, you're not actually a superhero. You're just a Met.

And guess what else? He wished his marriage away! In a deal with the devil, Mephisto! Man, we couldn't do any better than this guy's done to himself.

Scarlet Witch

Her mother died of exposure to the elements after fleeing her father, and she and her twin Quicksilver were shuffled off to be raised by gypsies. Witchy ended up killing her adoptive gypsy mother when she accidentally started a fire using her mutant powers. She and Quicksilver were eventually rescued by Magneto. Magneto then recruited them into the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and they found out the old master of magnetism was their father. Go figure. Then when Magneto was abducted by the Stranger, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver jumped ship and got talked into joining the Avengers by Iron Man. (Damn you Tony Stark, with your immaculately groomed facial hair and villain-stealing ability. Damn you.) Then the twins jumped ship again when Scarlet Witch was shot on a mission against Daddy dearest, and Magneto took his ungrateful, disloyal kids back so that Scarlet Witch could recover.

Guess what happens next? They defected again, when the X-Men rescued Scarlet Witch from Arkon. At this point, I was pretty okay with killing Witchy-poo in an excruciatingly painful manner, but she then had to go and fall in love with a robot who becomes evil or something and there's this whole thing about using Scarlet Witch as a prototype for a super race, blah blah blah, sci-fi drama, and what do you know, her kids weren't real.

Wait, what? Did I read that right? Scarlet Witch's kids were actually pieces of Mephisto's soul (yes, same Mephisto). So her memories of her children were erased, she slipped into a coma, Magneto tpok over her mind and made her fight the West Coast Avengers (westsiiiiiide) until Quicksilver defeated Magneto and Scarlet Witch was put into another coma, then she's good again and goes back to the Avengers. (Before she went crazy and killed a bunch of them and destroyed their mansion. Then she came back again.)

She was captured by Morgan LeFay, too. You know, King Arthur's sorceress sister?

Good grief. I don't know if I'm going to spare her because I feel bad or because I'm so riveted. This is better than Days of our Lives.

Daredevil

First of all, he's blind, and I don't care how evil you are, beating up a blind guy is enough to give anyone pause. But he's also a lawyer, so that makes up for the blind thing.

Matthew Murdock was raised in Hell's Kitchen, which again makes us think twice about pounding on the guy (but not so much because we feel sorry for him, more because that's kind of scary). Also, he's motivated by his desire to exact revenge on whoever murdered his father, which makes us wonder if maybe we can't turn him to the dark side after all. He also got into a typical love triangle between himself, Karen Page, and his alter-ego, which led to Matty boy's creation of a fictional twin brother, Mike, who can see and is actually the real Daredevil. Sorry, but making up a twin brother because the chick you have the hots for only digs you in your spandex is just lame. Really, really lame. And sad.

Daredevil later hooked up with the Black Widow, who left because she was afraid being his sidekick will tarnish her image (who hasn't heard that excuse before). Then the guy went back to Hell's Kitchen and pissed off the Kingpin, who hired our sad little hero's ex-girlfriend/assassin Elektra to take him out. Naturally, Bullseye killed her. Then Karen Page came back. Chance for a heart-felt, tear-jerker reunion? Well, actually, no, because she's a junkie porn star who sold Murdock's name for heroin money.

Then Bullseye killed her! (He kills everybody.)

Also, his wife Milla pushed a lady in front of a subway train and is in the crazy house.

Seriously, if it wasn't for the fact that he was played by Ben Affleck, I'd feel less guilty about stuffing kittens into a blender than I would for trying to kill this guy. Now, I'm pretty sure destroying him would be an act of mercy.

Wait, mercy isn't a villainous trait, so now I can't destroy him, but leaving heroes alive goes against the villainous code, and... oh, my head.

That's it. I'm going after Marvel Comics as a whole now. I can't handle this existential crap.

LadyUnpleasantries@the-iss.com
occultconsult.blogspot.com