April 3
Adventureland
What it's about: An overeducated, spoiled recent college graduate (Jesse Eisenberg) can't find work anywhere else, so he takes a job at a local amusement park. There, he meets and tries to woo a girl (the chick from "Twilight") who Ryan Reynolds apparently pictures naked all the time. She ditches him, however, once she meets a dude who sparkles in the sunlight. Goddamn these vampires!
What to expect: The 1987 setting would indicate that there will be snobs, and that slobs will have to best them in some sort of competition. This was what life in the '80s was. Also, characters will magically love songs that were released in the 1980s, but that no one really knew about until the '90s (namely, Violent Femmes' "Blister in the Sun"). Also also, actors from "Saturday Night Live."
Fast & Furious
What it's about: A collection of stunt drivers who look vaguely like B-list actors drive around and blow shit up and steal gas and wreck tanker trucks for no reason. Occasionally, the B-list actors (Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordanna Brewster and Michelle Rodriguez) show up to spout one-liners and not discuss why they just up and killed some poor tanker driver.
What to expect: Expect to hear Vin Diesel laugh in a way that no other human has laughed, ever. I mean, listen to that! It's like he's never even heard laughter before. All this just confirms my theory that Vin Diesel is actually some kind of ancient golem who guards a treasure housed in the studios where they make shitty movies.
April 8
Dragonball: Evolution
What it's about: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! (Justin Chatwin) Ha-ha-hahahahahahahaha (Chow Yun-Fat) hahahaha! Look at his hair! Hahahahahaha!
What to expect: A live-action movie that is even sillier than the (ridiculous) cartoon it's based on, but takes itself way more seriously. My oh my.
April 10
Hannah Montana: The Movie
What it's about: Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus) gets into a fight with Tyra Banks over shoes and somehow escapes without being pulverized into a fine dust. So her dad (Billy Ray Cyrus, milking this for every penny he can get) takes her to the forgotten wasteland known as Tennessee. There, she learns to shake off the reins of her double life posing as someone who looks exactly like her, huge teeth and all, but in a blonde wig. She still keeps the fame and money and everything, though.
What to expect: MILEY! OMG IT'S SO MILEY! MILEY AND HANNAH MONTANA OH MY GODDDDDD!!!!!! For two hours straight. Have fun, movie-goers!
Observe and Report
What it's about: An overweight mall security guard (Seth Rogen) does his best to protect a drunken, yet attractive make-up saleswoman (Anna Faris) from an on-the-loose flasher. To defeat this threat, he goes through rigorous training and sneers a lot in slow motion to cool music, something that has never happened before in any previous Seth Rogen vehicle.
What to expect: The most original movie premise of the year! Sure, you might say, "Isn't it the exact same premise as Paul Blart: Mall Cop?" But you'd be wrong! In the other movie, the overweight mall security guy fought terrorists and rode around on a Segway. In this one, the overweight mall security guy fights a flasher and rides around in a silly little buggy! They're completely different, you guys.
Coming next Sunday: Previews for the last two weeks of April!
