First of all, I have to strongly object to the rather extensive list of what items are considered contraband. Now, I know that The Joker can use pretty much any type of chemical substance to mix up his lethal laughing poison, and that anything that even has something resembling a sharp edge would be a weapon to him, and anything with a blunt edge for that matter, but just because of one inmate misbehaving should not be grounds to punish the rest of us. I know you have our security in mind, but just because someone can use sweetener as a lethal weapon is not grounds for such an overzealous policy.

Next, I would like to request that the inmate popularly known as Killer Croc is transferred to a higher security facility, or possibly just somewhere far away. Today alone he devoured three other patients in the recreational room and mauled Jervis Tetch because he accidentally stepped into his peripheral vision. I don't like to point fingers, but the recreational area is one of the few places that is supposed to offer some respite for the neverending horror that is Arkham Asylum and I would like my time there to be spent doing other things than avoiding the insane rage of mutants. Plus, could you hose him down every now and then? He appears to have developed some sort of scale fungus and its stench is truly overwhelming.

While on the topic of the recreation room, I would like to request a new TV, preferably one with colour and without the V-chip. I'm aware that several of the inmates take moving colours as an open provocation and may cause riots, but I think this would be a small price to pay for better picture quality. Also, new books are sorely needed, since Edward Nygma has mostly destroyed the ones we have now by cutting out letters for his mad libs games. To add insult to injury, his mad libs are rather dull.

Moving on, I would like to recommend that you cease with your practice of using psychiatry interns to fill in for when our regular group therapists have gone on a depression-induced drinking spree. They rarely last the whole 15 minutes, and after Jonathan Crane figured out that the last one had a phobia against germs, it took hours to get the blood stains off the walls. And speaking of Crane, please stop letting him keep those Goosebumps books in his cell, it gets him all riled up before bedtime. It is very hard to sleep when the echoes of someone screaming about adolescent horrors ringing through the entire building. Either remove the books or soundproof his cell.

I am also concerned about the apparent presence of an ancient demonic temple beneath the asylum. Now, I'm not superstitious by any means, but the fact that this place is filled with the criminally insane and the place below us is filled with ancient evil, it just seems like a bad combination all around. I'm not asking you to move the asylum, just seal the place off and put up some crosses or something, just splash around some holy water even.

Finally, I would like you to take actions at the distressing regularity of inmate riots that keep occurring in this place. I for one is trying to focus on my reformation and return to society, and leaving by baby-stabbing days behind me, but this process is made difficult by constant escapes and riots, and the violent oppression of said riots by certain unnamed vigilantes.

Did I say baby-stabbing? Please ignore that, it was a...typo.

Anyway, it is almost time for our 9 PM "contraband search and evening sodomy" by the guards so I gotta wrap this up. Please take my suggestions under my consideration.

Sincerely yours,
Anonymous Inmate

P.S: Could you also do something about the evening sodomy? It would be much appreciated.

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