Dear Captain Freedom:
You seem to know absolutely nothing about technology and yet you somehow managed to take over your enemy's website. Bravo. My question is this: Are you so desperate for attention that you have to resort to website hacking, which is the technical equivalent of flashing the paparazzi while wearing a miniskirt with no underwear?
--Ignominy S. Crotchbaron, ESQ
Outer Latveria
It's true, I don't know much about technology. Or history, or English literature or calculus or anything aside from paleontology, in which I frequently dabble.
Several great people helped me in my hacking adventure, most of them movies. Last night I watched Wargames, Hackers and Swordfish all in a row. After that, I drank enough Mountain Dew and Red Bull (otherwise known as Bull-Dew) until I was hallucinating, and all of a sudden I was like
"TCP-IP-SQL-IO-ps e|grep-shadow file-#-sudo-freeBSD-load balancing-XLST-JSON-xkcd-Python-Karate-Chop!"
And I was in, deep within the ISS's noisome lair - it was foul, disgusting, smelling of rotting pizzas and spilled beer. Because I'll tell you this: Evil Does Not Have A Chore Wheel.
So, Ignominy, if that is your real name, you ask why I would stoop to the level of website hacking instead of my usual endeavors, like rescuing innocent trees from scratchy kittens... with my bare hands. Inadequate? Desperate for attention? Comparing me with someone who flashes her, uh, naughty bits for any fool with a camera and a GPS system containing software that tracks down starlets without undergarments?
That's not fair! I don't need attention. I don't need you or this stupid column or this stupid evil website. I could do anything I want. I'm America's Hero. I could do anything, even become President... of Kuwait, since they don't have that stupid "you can't be part illegal alien" thing in their Constitution.
The joke is on you, evil, who is really so insecure that you have to have a definite article in your web address just so you feel more important. THE ISS indeed. I'll bet you all walk around correcting people's pronunciation of the, to make sure they say 'thee ISS.' You probably hiss the ISS part too, like some third-rate Cobra Commander stand-in.
I'm not the inadequate one, stupid head.
Oh, say, what's this button do? Oh crap.
Enjoy the normal Ask the Superhero column once I expel those evil lunatics from my website, Captain Freedom.
Comments
It really does smell in there... maybe clean up a touch before you leave, Captain Goody-goody?
Posted by: Lady Unpleasantries | April 1, 2009 9:52 AM
Good call, Lady U-. Maybe pick up a few of those old pizza boxes and whatnot? Oh, and look! There's like, a weeks worth of those henchmen uniforms in the laundry! Would be good of you to drop in a load or two before ya split, Cappy. Can't have our henchmen running around in "civvies". Without their masks, they may develop *shudder* personalities. Then we would naturally have to kill them. Blood on YOUR hands, Captain Freedom.
The fabric softner is above the dryer. Thanks.
Posted by: Reverend Rogue | April 1, 2009 10:08 AM
You know, some henchmen like dressing up like maids and doing laundry. I've heard that anyway.
Posted by: Captain Freedom | April 1, 2009 10:52 AM
Rev. R., I couldn't agree more. Once the henchmen develop personalities, it's all, "I want my basic rights," and then we have to kill them, and then it's just more laundry.
Cap., if you've ever seen our henchmen in maid costumes, you wouldn't dare make that suggestion. Laundry duty falls to you, or we murder civilians. Come on, it's the right thing to do. Do you want blood on your hands?
Posted by: Lady Unpleasantries | April 1, 2009 11:13 AM
Truth is, we'll probably murder some civilians anyway. It's kinda our thing. But you can't handle the bad press. One little "Captain Freedom Responsible for Death of Innocents" headline, and it's back to celebrity rehab for you.
So, remember when doing the laundry...use PLENTY of starch on the henchmen outfits. However, my cape is to be "Snuggly" soft, and Lady U- like's her daggers polished just so.
Oh...and I'd stay away from Flying Winged Monkey's room, if I were you. You've been warned.
Posted by: Reverend Rogue | April 1, 2009 11:27 AM
Rogue, I'll make you a deal. I won't do your laundry, you won't murder the innocent and I tell know one about the stack of Boys Life I found under your bed.
Posted by: Captain Freedom | April 1, 2009 11:31 AM
You've resorted to blackmail, Captain Hero-pants? Ha, we win again.
Posted by: Lady Unpleasantries | April 1, 2009 11:54 AM
Be sure to clean out the Hellkittens' litterbox. The smell of brimstone gets to you after a while.
Posted by: Professor Innocuous | April 1, 2009 12:11 PM
How do you think we recruit henchmen? The BOYSCOUTS of course! Well, the girlscouts, too...but we find the girl scouts, possibly due to their contact with the girl scout cookies...makes them IMPOSSIBLY evil.
Of course, we only recruit those who achieve the "Fiendishly evil" merit badge.
Now, should we talk about that magazine we found under YOUR mattress? And I quote, from the fall '07 edition of "Side-kick Weekly":
"Young Wards: How to Find the Bendy Acrobatic Ones"
"Leading a 13 Year Old Into Battle: A Guide"
Posted by: Reverend Rogue | April 1, 2009 12:14 PM
Retaliation:
http://www.captainfreedom.net/2009/04/01/the-iss-takes-on-superheroes/
Posted by: King Oblivion Ph.D. | April 1, 2009 1:02 PM
Hehehe!!! Dirty laundry!
Come *on*. I'm a total newb, and even *I* can see that you got pwned. Pranks have never been so wonderful...
(plays happily with dagger)
Posted by: The Evil Giggler | October 6, 2009 6:01 PM