- Call everyone Dude. Or Mr Dude.
- As soon as anyone takes a sip of their coffee scream "Coffee!" really loudly.
- Sway from side to side as if in a concert.
- Break the tip of your pencil while writing. Immediately burst into tears and be inconsolable.
- Gargle your water.
- Insist on linking hands and praying before the meeting starts.
- Whenever something positive is said hold up a little smiley face. Whenever negative a little sad face. If anyone calls you on this hold up a really, really angry face. Then point to it.
- Every time a particular person starts to speak yawn really loudly. If they persist fall forward onto the desk with a groan of "So... boring..."
- Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit then smash each biscuit with your fist.
- In the middle of a presentation scream "That's a goddamn filthy lie!" Then storm out.
- Turn up in an adult diaper and nothing else. Tell everyone it's for charity if they let you stay pretend to poo halfway through the meeting.
- Talk in a bad South African Accent. Bring up "Diplomatic Immunity" at every opportunity. If questioned say that you're exploring your heritage and they're racist.
- Doodle a picture of you sitting atop the slaughtered bodies of all the people in the room. Don't be subtle about it.
- After a presentation on your performance insist on a medal. If you don't get one call your boss a Nazi Medal-hording Cocksmoker.
- Go "shhh!" at nothing. Then start slapping your head and whispering "Shut up. Shut up, Damn you!"
Comments
They don't teach us that in business school
Posted by: Monica | April 11, 2009 7:31 PM
Excellent tips for the fast-paced world of business. However, I take small issue with your suggestion to "pretend" to poo. Show some backbone and integrity! Or if you'd rather avoid the mess, simulate it with modern sophisticated special effects, like a chocolate candybar. The key here is to be convincing. No one likes someone who only goes halfway with an insane plot...those people end up taking the colorful tights express to jailtown.
Posted by: Mr. Malignity | April 15, 2009 1:05 AM
lol i gotta try that at my next meeting oh and my email adress i typed in IS fake so screw it!
Posted by: EVILIS THENEWGOOD!!! | August 12, 2009 7:02 AM