May 1
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
What it's about: A guy who spends a lot of time lying shirtless on metal gratings (Hugh Jackman) gets submerged in some blue liquid. Then he springs out of the blue liquid because he gets really mad at it. Meanwhile, some other characters spout really cheesy dialogue about him.
What to expect: The stunning origin of Wolverine's jacket! Wolverine's storied fight to the death with a helicopter! The Revolutionary War, apparently! A stupidly behatted Will.i.am in a badly choreographed fight scene that also apparently has no sound! Liev Schreiber ferreting away any illusion that he's a decent actor!
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
What it's about: An insane, emotionless serial killer (Matthew McConaughey) who has murdered each of his previous girlfriends is haunted by their memories. Suddenly burdened by conscience, he tries to sleep but cannot, so psychologically stricken with their presence that they begin to manifest themselves physically. When he can no longer take the thought of what he has done, he allows them to devour him, and consume the darkness within his soul.
What to expect: Nah, I'm just kidding. He's really a womanizing photographer who gets "haunted" by a silly-looking ghost who makes him feel bad for being a womanizer in a badly thought-out "Christmas Carol" rip-off. He realizes he should have loved the woman (Jennifer Garner) who was under his nose the whole time! Whoo! That was a close one, you guys!
Battle for Terra
What it's about: With Earth destroyed, humans search for a new home planet. They find one, and it just happens to be populated with cute, peaceful creatures with no real facial features to speak of. Because humans are awful, they invade and go to war with the cuddly planet without even trying to be diplomatic. Bring the kids!
What to expect: A movie for absolutely no one. It's an animated, cute-looking sci-fi war allegory in which humans are the bad guys. So maybe robots would like it, I guess? I really don't know.
May 8
Star Trek
What it's about: A young man (Chris Pine) who clearly has no regard for the value of his own property or the property of others takes control of Starfleet's flagship.
What to expect: All your favorite characters from the TV show, but now more 2009 growly! Like Wolverine! Grrowwllll!
Next Day Air
What it's about: Turk from Scrubs (Donald Faison) accidentally delivers some drugs to Avon Barksdale (Wood Harris) -- because apparently drug distributors just go straight through legitimate parcel services now -- than the actual dealers, who are conveniently played by Mexican stereotypes. Mildly comedic insanity ensues.
What to expect: For the characters to somehow end up in some kind of non-violent truce rather than dead as fuck. Realism!
May 15
Angels & Demons
What it's about: In this sequel to "The Da Vinci Code," hero Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) teams up with the villain from the first movie, the Catholic Church, to take on an even bigger threat. You know, just like when Blade teamed up with the vampires in Blade II. Or what happens in every fucking sequel ever.
What to expect: Fans of the Dan Brown book on which this movie is based are sure to be disappointed. Sure, Ron Howard does the best he can to replicate the bland, dull characters and stilted dialogue of the novel (and what better director to get for that sort of thing), but it's still just not the same.
Comments
A guy I know had a copy of Angels & Demons while I was bored at work a while back. I read up to the line "the Illuminati have a reputation for secrecy" and I stopped, unable to wrap my head around the idea.
Posted by: S. Patrick Jarrard | April 26, 2009 12:14 PM
Wolverine's a whiny little girl with a napoleon complex. Why would anyone want to watch an hour and a half of that guy?
I would, however, totally watch the Matthew McConaughey serial killer movie- that would be awesome.
I don't see what's so shocking about humans being the bad guys in Battle for Terra- isn't it obvious that by the time the earth is dying, the ISS has taken over, so of course we simply invade and destroy / enslave the puny natives.
Don't care much about Star Trek, except that Simon Pegg is in it, and he's quite cool; never heard of that next day air thing, and as far as Angels and Demons, I can't even muster enthusiastic apathy about a mystery centered around an unbreakable code that OH MY IT'S ENGLISH WRITTEN BACKWARDS!
Pathetic.
Posted by: Mitsuzori Kamen | April 27, 2009 12:15 AM
I don't care HOW evil you are, you don't get to talk about Liev Schreiber that way!
Posted by: Foop | April 27, 2009 10:21 PM
...Man, you totally fooled me on the McConaughey movie.
Posted by: Darth Obvius | April 30, 2009 4:50 AM
i wish that's what the mcconaughey movie was about...
Posted by: donuteyes | April 30, 2009 7:28 PM