I can carve my likeness on mountains, too, with or without the consent of the government. It's called a laser. You're not really convincing me that you're anything better than an antihero, at best. I'd go so far as to say petty villain.

Wait, oh, um, I guess. Wow. I never thought of it that way. Petty?

Look at you. You're so well manicured and prettied up you could be in a photo shoot for L'Oreal.

And my teeth! Don't forget my pearly whites. They've been used in photo shoots - to depict mountains. My eyeteeth were used as a stand in for the Matterhorn in a recent Bond movie.

See, supervillains just look good as a matter of course, except for the hideous monsters and dripping aliens and horrifically deformed mad scientists of us. How long did you take to get ready this morning? I rolled out of bed looking this good.

I'm still getting ready. Partly it's the frequent tooth brushing. But getting back to it, do you really think? Villain? Me? I mean. I've always been a little... curious?

A very minor, petty one. The type supervillains like myself and the ISS send into the foray first to take the gunshot to the face.

My face is so beautiful bullets actually cannot hit it. I don't list that as a superpower because I don't want to seem conceited.

...I don't think THAT would make you seem conceited, Captain.

Thanks!

And another thing... Captain? I have yet to see you pilot a ship or commercial aircraft. You can't just assign yourself a title.

First of all, people do it all the time. Look at Colonel Qaddafi of Libya. And why, if you run a country, would you go by Colonel? But anyway, my title was in fact assigned. I bought an honorary "Captain" from the Afghan Merchant Marine.

We supervillains earn our titles. They actually mean something. You're the equivalent of an honorary doctorate from a community college. It's not even POSSIBLE. Villains look down on your misuse of titles, you know.

So what makes you a Lady? It's not like you're ladylike. Did you marry the Earl of Discomfort or something?

I'm descended from a long line of French nobility, for your information. My pedigree would make your insides curdle.

Your pointy missiles aimed at my current location have already curdled me.

How are we feeling right about now, Captain? Thinking that maybe heroism isn't the answer? Maybe a life of evil would be more suited to your talents and personality?

Maybe. I don't know. What about the children? Would the children love me?

How many little kids would pick Mr. Fantastic over Dr. Doom? What do you think?

Right about now I'd say none. Too bad they turned Doom into some sort of chrome hood ornament.

We don't speak ill of Doom, shut your freedom-loving mouth.

I've vacationed in Latveria. Lovely people. Lovely enslaved people.

You can't begin to imagine how much you save on household expenses when your work force is comprised of slaves.

And I'm certain... tax advantages.

You know, if you could get over this whole freedom thing, you'd make a decent supporting character as a villain.

I can't play second fiddle to anyone

Something else to think about... a PhD. runs the ISS, and we have a Doktor on staff. Prescription pads aplenty.

Oh. Really? I mean, that's cool. Whatevs. You have his email?

Right on the contact page. The Villain High Council will be expecting you.

Never! I can't. I mean... I'll have to check my schedule.

Just give up this freedom nonsense, and all the glory, drugs, loose women, and sweet sweet cash you've ever dreamed of can be yours. We have a full dental plan.

You've given me something to think about today. Wait, dental plan? Really? Not some guy with pliers working out of a Econoline van?

Oh, no. We cater to the humanoid, tentacled, fanged, and mechanical in every aspect of oral hygiene and maintenance. Our guy's good. Gives free toothbrushes.

O sweet sons of Venus.

Just say the words, Captain. Swear yourself to the Villain High Council and renounce freedom. Think of the toothbrushes.

I get to keep my name though, right? I can use it ironically?

No. No Freedom.

Freedom or free toothbrushes? I cannot decide. Where's my legal team when I need them?

Apparently stuck in traffic.

Curse you, Unpleasantries, curse you for tempting me with better oral hygiene. And the missile threats didn't hurt either.

Evil never rests, Captain. Think about it. You think your fashion-week parties were wild? Do you have any idea what Saturday nights are like at ISS HQ?

I've taken over your command HQ - I certainly know what Sunday mornings are like.

I know... there's a reason I never overnight at Evil HQ. Just say it, you know you want to. Just say, "I hate freedom." Say that, and the world is yours.

I... ha... hat... have a severe problem with Freedom.

Try again. Say it. "I hate freedom."

Just as Captain Freedom was about to utter the fateful phrase, the internet connection was lost, and Lady U vowed to flay whichever idiot set up the wi-fi at the ISS HQ.

If you or someone you know is awesome enough to deserve space on the ISS site, or if you know another superhero we can decimate, contact King Oblivion, PhD., or Lady Unpleasantries.