International Society of Supervillains: The ISS Takes on: The World Superhero Registry

We have met the enemy, and he is retarded.

In case there was ever any doubt as to whether evil is truly better than good, we offer you this, the world's largest online database of existing "superheroes." Here are some highlights:

Insignis

I am proud of the Team. I am also just as proud of my city, which is why I fight for her.

A quick test to see if you can get away with referring to your city as a "she".
1. Are you Frank Miller?
2. If so, then are you the Frank Miller who wrote Dark Knight Returns but had not yet written The Spirit?

If the answer to any of the above questions is no, then congratulations! You're a complete and total psychopath!

Entomo

Let's let Entomo's own words speak for themselves here.

I stand for the biggest conundrum of the known universe: balance between enthalpy and entropy. To be a Real Life Superhero is truly the greatest deed a man can accomplish in a backwards world like this, where fiction is truer to reality than reality itself. On the other hand, the chance to fight for such a stunning planet is too significant to be turned down. Hear my buzz, fear my bite: I inject justice.

Wow.

I... I don't even want to disintegrate this guy anymore. It seems like that would be a kindness if anything.

Black Arrow

But I am not just here for the people, I am here for the animals and the environment, for they are part of this world.

I'm pretty sure I dated this girl in college.

I'm pretty sure everyone dated this girl in college.

Whitley's Batman and Robin

We don't think Martin Salter and Tony Blair are doing a good job, so we want to give people a taste of what we can do.

Wait, so how come Robin looks like an old man and Batman looks like he has yet to reach sexual maturity?

Also, why do you continue to badger officials who are long out of office, rip-off Batman and Robin? Haven't they been through enough?

Red Arrow

I try to bring happiness to people and become the salt and light of the world.

Look man, those tight outfits you superheroes always wear are bad enough, but an arrow pointing directly at your crotch?

People are going to talk.

Dark Guardian

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

*deep breath*

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST LOOK AT HIM HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

*snicker*

... I'm sorry... I'm okay now, just give me a second to...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Crimefighter Girl (Retired)

Is there a less creative superhero codename than "Crimefighter Girl"?

Superhero

Why yes, yes there is.

Doktor DiscorD ^TM

Okay, I know that I should be making fun of this guy, but as a fellow Doktor, I feel that I should provide some words of counsel: GET THE FUCK OUT OF SUPERHEROICS NOW.

I mean, come on, the pimp cane, the goggles, the fact that your name is "Doktor DiscorD"? I think we both know which side you really want to play for. We'll be there when you come to your senses.

Terriffica (Retired)

Terrifica patrols New York City's bars, clubs, and streets by night looking for women who have had a little too much to drink and are in danger of being taken advantage of by men.

Hey, I prowl the streets looking for hot, drunk girls too, and no one calls me a superhero.

Also, there's no way that's really a woman.

Shadow Hare

It was the best of times and the worst of times. I've stopped many evil doers...such as drug dealers, muggers, rapists, and crazy hobos with pipes.

Man, can you imagine what they DO in prison to guys who got their assess kicked by someone named "Shadow Hare"?

Angle Grinder Man

My obsession with wheel-clamping is actually a rebellion against a much deeper malaise.

No.

Tothian

Arch Enemy: Osama Bin Laden

While I admire this kid's spunkiness, I can't help but feel that he's setting his sights a little bit too high.

Maybe try beating up a hobo who looks kind of like Osama and then work your way up from there.

Geist

My equipment and methods are completely legal. I'm prepared to make Citizen's Arrests if necessary.

Oh shit, did you guys hear that? This dude is prepared to make Citizen's Arrests! Well, no way we can defeat this guy. I say we shut down all the death rays and impound our secret headquarters so he doesn't have anything to connect us to our myriad crimes.

It was fun while it lasted.

Share or be shared:

Comments

Untreated schizophrenia is hilarious!

Posted by: captaincursor | May 5, 2009 12:47 PM

And that wasn't sarcasm on my part. No sane person could be this funny.

Posted by: captaincursor | May 5, 2009 12:48 PM

I seriously have to meet Dark Guardian.

Posted by: Ade | May 5, 2009 12:51 PM

To paraphrase the author, "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Is THIS the list we have to choose archenemies from?

Posted by: computerking | May 5, 2009 1:18 PM

I... I feel bad about how many more flavors of awesome the ISS has.

Posted by: Professor Innocuous | May 5, 2009 5:47 PM

This is what happens when the feeble-minded finally snap. Years of living in full knowledge of their insignificance creates a sudden shift in behavior, wherein they believe themselves to be qualified as superheroes.

It's really quite sad, when you get down to it. It's such a waste of ammunition.

Posted by: Dr. Madness | May 6, 2009 12:24 AM

I think it would be more appropriate to push them down stairs. Less expensive for us, more traumatizing for them to know that real supervillains fight back.

Also, that they'll probably never walk again.

Posted by: Professor Innocuous | May 6, 2009 1:35 AM

I begged to do this for Cracked like four months ago, but legal wouldn't let me because of the disclaimer you have to agree to upon gaining entrance to the site.

My argument was "they're dudes taking the law into their own hands. What are they gonna do, sue me?"

This argument did not work.

Posted by: Robert | May 6, 2009 10:40 AM

"Geist" should change his name to "Deuchebag" I mean, a citezen's arrest?! really? I think beating these bozos would be a waste of time... they've done far worse to themselves than we could ever do...

Posted by: Mike Miller, Robot Fighter | May 6, 2009 8:58 PM

Tothian doesn't even bother wearing a mask. There's a guy with a serious deathwish... one I'd like to fulfill. *CHA-CHK*

Posted by: Darth Obvius | May 7, 2009 5:20 AM

Darth Obvius, I will not have you shooting these fine folks.

*throws him a flamethrower*

Use this.

Posted by: Professor Innocuous | May 8, 2009 9:25 AM

Funny! You guys are really funny. I mean that. I laughed. It's a cool page.

BTW, what are you doing to make the world a better place? Lots and lots, right? So much that you don't have time to talk about it.., right?

Posted by: Geist | May 19, 2009 4:35 PM

Making the world a...how you say... better place? You don't really get supervillainy, do you?

Posted by: Doktor Puppykicker | May 19, 2009 5:29 PM

We ARE making the world a better place... for ourselves.

Posted by: Lady Unpleasantries | May 19, 2009 5:40 PM

OH SNAP.

To quote the good Dr. Steel, "I'm gonna make the world a better place... for me."

- Rache

Posted by: Operative Rache | May 19, 2009 5:47 PM

I agree, the super heros to choose from are... weak at best... but when the "supervillains" just sit around and talk smack about them then it's like watching Trekkies and Star Wars fanboys go at it. Put up or shut up, folks.

Posted by: Solego | August 13, 2009 1:11 PM

Hey, but check the actual website out!!! Apparently quite a few of these characters - Insignis for example - belong to the Black Monday Society - is that anything to do with Black September? Hang on, didn't they murder a bunch of Israeli athletes at some olympics or other? And wasn't there a Black Wednesday that was something really, really bad? I'm getting a bit confused here! Alas, their website doesn't appear to exist. However, they claim to actively patrol that well-known seething den of vice and gross moral turpitude... er... Salt Lake City... It's not exactly Gotham, is it? Or even LA. And one of them allegedly does this dressed as the Devil. All right, fess up: which of you naughty people are pretending to be this lot in order to undermine the credibility of proper super-do-gooders? Not that I disapprove, of course. It's just that surely it's a bit too obvious. I mean, NOBODY is this stupid! Not even the JLA. Still, on a happier note, you've scored a minor victory - Doktor DiskorD seems to have read these comments and taken them to heart. Anyway, he's deleted his photo.

Posted by: Count Waldeck | February 18, 2010 8:36 PM

Tell a friend about this page!
Their Name:
Their Email:
Your Name:
Your Email:

Comments

Post a comment