In these harsh economic times not everyone can afford henchmen, lackies, lickspittles, grunts, ninjas, minions or droogs. Oh you can SAY that you have ten thousand ninjas, its just that no one can see them but is anyone buying it? Really?

So what's the obvious answer? Animals. They're like little slaves with no tear ducts. But training animals is, quite frankly, a pain in the ass. Do you know how many monkeys of mine do nothing but claw frantically at their spiffy new wings before hurling themselves to a quite avoidable death? (flap, you stupid monkey, FLAP!!) It's a lot, let me tell you.

A much easier solution is simply to steal a pre-trained animal and use its powers to suit your own evil ends. And there's a whole host of "working" animals to choose from:

• Guide Dog for the Blind
• Listening Cat for the Deaf
• Talking Parrot for the Mute
• Thinking Chimp for the Thick
• Distraction Llama for the Ugly
• Smoking Beagle for Non Smokers
• Relativity Hippo for the Massively Fat
• Dildo Eel for the Impotent
• Blame Skunk for the Flatulent
• Dancing Bear for the cruel and easily amused
• Stepstool badger for the Short
• Stupid little dog for people who need baby substitutes
• Backup Gorilla for the Weak
• Motherfuckin' snakes for those on motherfuckin' planes
• Stomping kitten for those that like stomping kittens

But just remember any helper monkeys are mine. Stapling wings to cats just isn't the same.