by Operative X
When I'm not busy toppling democratically-elected governments or snuffing celebrities who use their adoption fetish as a way to draw the world's attention to suffering, I'm engaging in more subtle forms of PsyOps for my lords and ladies in the International Society of Supervillains. Namely, advertising.
Yeah, the ISS runs most of the world's marketing firms, which isn't all that surprising. What was surprising was the lords and ladies asking me to lay bare some of the coded messages behind the world's most ubiquitous corporate presences. But then the wisdom of this idea hit me: why not tell you exactly how we're co-opting all of you into insecure little need-monsters? Truth in advertising, people.
Because what are you going to do, not buy stupid shit? Please.
American Idol
Ad Campaign: "This... is American Idol!"
Underlying Message: "Music agreed upon by countless millions is, by definition, both average and unexceptional. Enjoy, suckers."
Intended Audience: People who can't be bothered to find their own music or, for that matter, can't be bothered to show more support for musicians they do like than a few frantic phone calls one night a week.
How it's Going: For Simon Fuller? Pretty great. For the countless interchangeable warblers who compete and sometimes win? Not so much.
Apple Computers
Ad Campaign: "I'm a Mac." "I'm a PC."
Underlying Message: "Our years-long ad campaign is an endless comparison to a straw man of the competition. We promise this is not insecurity."
Intended Audience: Hipsters who can be convinced that a multi-billion dollar international corporation with a massive, entrenched market share is an "underdog."
How it's Going: Are you offended by this entry? Then quite well, actually.
Microsoft
Ad Campaign: Some bullshit with clouds or kites or Jerry Seinfeld or whatever.
Underlying Message: "We're Microsoft. It's not like you have a choice."
Intended Audience: The peasants.
How it's Going: At this point Microsoft probably only buys ads because they have all this money and why the hell not, right?
Saturn
Ad Campaign: Saturn changes slogans like RoboCop changes lives, but they always emphasize how "different" they are. The current (and likely last) slogan is "Rethink," and right now they're telling you they've got your back if you lose your job and can't make payments.
Underlying Message: "We're projecting an image of stability because we think no one reads the papers."
Intended Audience: People who don't read the papers. Which is more folks all the time, actually.
How it's Going: See, the joke here is that Saturn is folding.
Starbucks
Ad Campaign: No official slogan; instead they use blatant occult symbology.
Underlying Message: "If we keep our stores small and make sure all the furnishings are in soothing brown tones, you won't feel like you're patronizing the overpriced Wal-Mart of coffee shops."
Intended Audience: Pretty much anyone with a wallet.
How it's Going: Starbucks has a record label, for fuck's sake.
Vitamin Water
Ad Campaign: "Hydrate responsibly."
Underlying Message: "Why shouldn't water have calories?"
Intended Audience: People who imagine they work and/or play so hard they actually need vitamin replenishment along with normal hydration. Video games are exhausting, man.
How it's Going: Considering our previous, massively successful effort to convince people it was a good idea to buy bottled water for the cost of several thousand gallons of (more strictly regulated) tap water, I was skeptical that "overpriced water, but this time with sugar" would go over like it did. And yet...
Volkswagen
Ad Campaign: A series of crisp, witty print and television ads stretching all the way back to 1955, designed specifically to retain "young, sophisticated" customers rather than appeal to the uninterested. Basically it's wank.
Underlying Message: "So long as we use Helvetica in our ads, you won't mind paying $5k more than a comparable Japanese model that is far less prone to breakdowns."
Intended Audience: People who want you to be impressed by their car while they pretend they don't care about stuff like that.
How it's Going: Volkswagen has managed to shake that pesky "origins in National Socialism" thing, which by anyone's measure is a huge success. VW could probably get away with cars that run on infant blood so long as they put a little flower holder in the dash.
Whole Foods
Ad Campaign: "The highest quality natural & organic products."
Underlying Message: "Our 30% markup pays for the extra-small aisles in our 2000+ sq. ft. stores."
Intended Audience: People who don't mind spending $150 on three bags of groceries.
How it's Going: The behemoth that recently opened up near me has a second story with a clothing store and spa. So I'm guessing "pretty good."
Comments
Needs more juice.
Posted by: narcozombie | May 15, 2009 12:52 PM
If Whole Foods is expanding into clothing and spa services, within a decade they will be either bankrupt or under the process of "complete reorganization." The ISS will win again!
Posted by: Kincsem1874 | May 15, 2009 1:18 PM
I would be more concerned, but really, humans are mostly morons who deserve to lose their money in humiliating ways.
Posted by: Gortax, Not of This World | May 19, 2009 1:01 PM
Not quite sure how 'American Idol' is a "company" in the same sense as the others, but more power to ya'.
Posted by: Dar | May 29, 2009 5:24 AM