by Doktor Maxwell von Puppykicker the Third
In our latest exercise in narcissism, ISS writers share their favorite posts from their accounts on the popular microblogging service Twitter.
Why no, we're not running low on article ideas! Whatever gave you that idea?
- I'm a pretty open minded guy, but GOD do I hate furries. If you insist on dressing up as an animal, at least fight crime or something.
- I recieved a spam email with the subject line "muhahaahahaahahhahahahaha". I always suspected that spam was manufactured by supervillains.
- Every now and then, I wake up and realize that, holy shit, Arnold Schwarzenegger really is the governor of my state.
- This is one of the most significant elections in American history, and CNN is showing off their will i am hologram. I never thought I'd say this, but Fox News's coverage is much more dignified.
- One day, I'm going to invent a cell phone that doesn't play a damn fanfare every time you turn it on and off, and I'll become a millionaire.
- Goddamnit Viagra marketing department, stop ruining "Aquarela do Brasil" for me. I do NOT want the theme song of my favorite movie of all time equated with old people boning in the public consciousness.
- Why is it that when Katy Perry kisses a girl, it's sexy, but when I kiss a girl I get maced? Such a double standard.
- So when are people going to realize that they don't have to see every single movie based on some retarded cartoon they saw as six year olds? Because I really hope my generation doesn't go on to make a live action Pokémon movie a success.
- So has Bon Jovi both seen and rocked exactly 1,000,000 faces? Or has he seen more faces than that, but personally rocked one million of them? Really, I'm beginning to doubt the veracity of some of Bon Jovi's claims.
- How the fuck did Wall-E not win an Oscar for best sound? The main characters literally communicated using NOTHING BUT FUCKING SOUND. There hasn't been a movie that reliant on sound effects since the 1960s "Batman."
- Clicking twitter's "everyone" button is like looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant.
- There's a movie coming out called "Public Enemies". I am strongly considering attending and shouting "YEEEAAAAAH BOOOYYYEE" until evicted. Actually, I do that at pretty much every movie I attend.
- Who's Watching the Watchmen? Quite a lot of people on opening weekend, but not nearly as many the week after that! LOL!!!!!! Okay NOW can we stop raping that joke's dead corpse?
- The use of the phrase "epic fail" constitutes an epic failure on the part of the speaker.
- Making a punk rock version of "Desolation Row" is about as retarded as making an action movie version of "Watchmen". (ZING!)
- If they found microscopic organisms in Martian soil, would that mean that life on Mars is a "God awful small affair"?
- It's not fair that a fantastic title like "Atlas Shrugged" should be wasted on such a skullfuckingly dull book.
- I love that the people behind the anti-gay marriage ads call themselves- no joke- the rainbow coalition. That's at least an 8.9 on the Tobias Fünke scale of unintentional homosexual overtones.
- I would like to take this opportunity to announce that unless I get up to 100 followers today, I will show you all my dong.
- DISCLAIMER: I might end up posting pictures of my dong even if I do get up to a hundred followers.
- DONGPOCALYPSE: THE COCK SHOWS AT DAWN
- Say, does anyone know which image hosting sites allow pictures with the widest margins? Just curious.
- DONG PICTURES ALERT LEVEL: ORANGE
- I never said it would be an unclothed dong. Get your minds out of the gutter.
- Between Al Franken and Jesse Ventura, I'm starting to think that we shouldn't allow Minnesota to participate in democracy anymore.
- Oh Republicans. How did a core concept as fantastic as "government can fuck right off" go so terribly wrong?
- Why the hell did they name a clothing store after a string of dictatorships anyway? I mean calling a retail outlet "Banana Republic" seems just a few steps away from naming a Qwick-E-Mart "The Third Reich".
- I got 99 luftballoons/ But a bitch ain't one
- Why is it that whenever a potentially serious new virus emerges, hundreds of unfunny fuckwipes start making zombie apocalypse jokes?
- I am exhibiting symptoms unlike those of swine flu, yet I am worried that I have contracted the disease, which is humorous.
- Don't tell me you've never thought about what Stan Lee's penis looks like.
- Drove down to Hollywood today. That town makes me miss the classiness and quiet dignity of Las Vegas.
- I think I have discovered my new arch nemesis http://twitter.com/DrPuppy.
- "She walkin' around lookin' like Michael with ya money/ Shoulda got that insured GEICO fo' ya money (money, money)"- Proverbs 3:19
- I haven't seen the news in the past few weeks. How many people have died from swine flu now? Millions? Billions?
- REMEMBER: There are about three passages in the entire Bible about homosexuality, and hundreds about tolerance and acceptance. Just saying.
- Every now and then, I venture outside the small circle of people I follow, and I remember why some people hate twitter so damn much.
For more of this plus links to David Bowie music videos, visit twitter.com/DrPuppykicker.
The ISS is on Twitter at twitter.com/Supervillains.
Comments
I have to admit:
"If they found microscopic organisms in Martian soil, would that mean that life on Mars is a "God awful small affair"?"
Made me laugh quite a bit.
Also:
"Oh Republicans. How did a core concept as fantastic as "government can fuck right off" go so terribly wrong?"
...very much THIS.
Posted by: Wolter | June 12, 2009 9:55 AM
You know, for a villain, you sure do care an awful lot for Republics and Democracies.
You should just fuck both the main parties and be a Libertarian.
Also: Eat more Door to Door Mormons. They're low in trans-fat.
Posted by: Warped | June 12, 2009 8:59 PM
Minnesota has something in the water, and its not a fun something like blood or heroin.
Posted by: Burgomaster Chupacabra | June 13, 2009 12:14 AM
Man, you guys continue to fuck up the oh-so-easy veneer of "supervillains". It's amazing how lame all of you are at conveying delight in evil. You get pissy about the same boring "bad" bullshit that everyone else does. Twitter? Furries? ::gasp:: Republicans? (how fucking original) Shouldn't you, as supervillains who see these things as bad, be celebrating them? A true supervillain would find all those deplorable things brilliant for the hate and angst and pain they cause. You just whine about them like incompetent mundane civilians. You can't even make good trolls.
Please, listen: do us a favor and drop the "supervillain" masquerade. You are all fucking sad little shit sacks of wannabe villains who aren't clever enough to know how to roll with that motif. Seriously, change your website's name and stop disgracing people who truly know how to make embracing evil funny. You are boring and normal and cannot make jokes about loving bad ethics and things that are villainous.
God, it's amazing how lame you all are, even if you in particular have the coolest name out of anyone ever on this site.
Posted by: SayHiToYourMom | June 14, 2009 11:20 AM
I think you put more effort into writing that comment than I did into this entire article.
Posted by: Doktor Puppykicker | June 14, 2009 4:26 PM
Shit! I think he's realized that the Supervillain theme is only a thin veneer for internet comedy!
To the escape pods!
Posted by: bg | June 14, 2009 6:04 PM
Which wouldn't have happened if you put effort into your comedy writing. Without sticking to the "I heart Evil" motif, you end up coming off as nothing special, just another dipshit internet comedy site with a badass name. Maybe if you wrote more shit like this:
http://www.cracked.com/article_14837_raising-your-mentally-retarded-child.html
Or this:
http://jaypinkerton.com/2005/09/15/dear-parents/
...then you could live up to your name. As it stands, you're just pussy-footing around like a bunch of yawn-inducing retards.
You could be great guys, if you'd just be more evil.
Posted by: SayHiToYourMom | June 14, 2009 6:26 PM
hey guys,
what person-who-listens-to-too-much-black-flag doesn't realize is that in the internet world, there is so much more shit out there in which to poke fun. it's not worth your time to be that pissed in life.
be pissed about stuff like getting a hair in your eye. that shit's a bitch.
Posted by: francesca caccini | June 14, 2009 7:46 PM
Well, guys, it's been a good run. But now that the Internet Not-living-up-to-your-name Police have gotten us, we might as well just give it up.
Posted by: King Oblivion Ph.D. | June 14, 2009 9:05 PM
Within minutes of the first entry on my blog that didn't specifically show Hitler getting punched, I received flak.
Not from a commenter. Via email.
The internet is a cruel and fickle place.
Posted by: Wolter | June 14, 2009 9:28 PM
You know, maybe this person is right. Be back later scum, building myself a temple of iconic worship for republicans, furries, and Twitter.
Also, visit our new website at http://www.the-trf.com to show your support for The Tweeting Republican Furries!
the-trf.com is not an affiliate of the-iss.com.
Posted by: TheCatastropheSyndrome | June 15, 2009 4:32 AM
I'm amused by the trolls, especially the one who linked a terrible website on their name. It just goes to show, no matter where you go in the internet, you may get bukkaked by stupid.
Posted by: TheCatastropheSyndrome | June 15, 2009 10:45 AM
In case anyone's still interested, band accountants indicated that by the end of fiscal year 2008, Jon Bon Jovi had seen 10.3 million faces and had rocked 74% of them. This is for tax purposes, though, so the real number may be much higher.
Posted by: Ekonomikus | June 15, 2009 3:06 PM