July 1
Public Enemies
What it's about: Notorious criminal John Dillinger (Johnny Depp) robs a whole bunch of banks while slipping through the fingers of an FBI agent (Christian Bale), all in an apparent attempt to impress a drunk-looking French chick (Marion Cotillard).
What to expect: I'm sure this movie's going to be great and all, but does it sound to anybody else like Depp's doing a Matthew McConaughey impression in his Dillinger performance? Play the trailer, close your eyes, and see if it doesn't sound like he's about to break out into some shirtless bongo playing.
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
What it's about: A collection of mugging b-listers (Ray Romano, Queen Latifah, John Leguizamo, Denis Leary) and Simon Pegg voice ice-age era mammals who go on anachrotastic adventures in...I guess the Mesozoic era? Whatever period it's supposed to be, it's about 80 million years before the last ice age, f.y.i. Really, between this movie and "Year One," this is just not the summer for historical accuracy.
What to expect: Mediocre slapstick comedy that will misinform the whole family!
July 10
Brüno
What it's about: A gay Austrian fashion reporter named Bruno (Sacha Baron Cohen) does some outraaaaageous stuff! Get ready to have your socks shocked off, folks!
What to expect: Is it funny to see a man dressed entirely in velcro get stuck in the curtains at a hoity-toity fashion show? Of course it is. Is it chuckle-worthy to hear him talk about how he named his adopted African baby O.J. in front of a mostly-black talk show audience? In an "easily getting a rise out of people" sort of way, sure. Will Cohen almost certainly take things too far so that you can't tell if he's satirizing homophobia or encouraging it? Definitely.
I Love You, Beth Cooper
What it's about: In his graduation speech, a high school valedictorian who appears to be well into his 30s (Paul Rust) foolishly professes his love for a popular slut (Hayden Panetierre) and taunts people who have been trained to kill. Nerd-vs.-jock cliches ensue.
What to expect: The nerd will inexplicably win the girl, and they will go on to live a blissful, conversation-free life of not having anything in common.
Blood: The Last Vampire
What it's about: A half-vampire Japanese schoolgirl who is also a vampire hunter goes on a quest to kill the grandfather of all vampires at an American military base.
What to expect: That the screen will be very hard to see, because it will be covered in goth-nerd jizz.
Comments
Please, please, please really and truly be the last vampire. They've done nothing but get played out since Lost Boys.
Posted by: TheCatastropheSyndrome | June 29, 2009 9:29 AM
The sad thing? It's hard to convince the people Year One and Ice Age ARN'T how things happend.
Which is why I'm going to use my time machine to teach them! Assuming they get reconstructed after the process.
Posted by: Burgomaster Hyena | June 30, 2009 4:23 PM