There are many good reasons to become a super villain. Perhaps you crave to rule all you see, utilising your awesome intellect. Perhaps you have stumbled upon great power and fancy making some easy cash. Perhaps you have been transformed into some monstrous grotesque and seek revenge on those who so wronged you. Perhaps you're simply insane and driven to crime. Perhaps you're an evil creature from the depths of hell. Perhaps you're German. All fine reasons.
But alongside these understandable reasons (of COURSE he's a Supervillain- as a skull-faced crazy who secretes pure fear from his pores what else could he be? A babysitter?) there are a few Supervillains with a perhaps more... questionable motivation.
WHO?
Winslow Schott aka THE TOYMAN, pudgy British inventor who bafflingly manages to be a foe to a chap who can juggle tanks, travel faster than sound and vaporise you by squinting hard.
WHY?
He got fired. For making unsuitable toys. So he attempted to kill everyone in the company he used to work for.
SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
Dude. Seriously. I'm all for over-reaction; I once punched a waitress in the face for stirring my coffee clockwise (I CLEARLY said widdershins, damn it) but you were fired BECAUSE YOU SUCKED AT YOUR JOB. No one stole your ideas, no one shafted you out of the job, you didn't go postal- you were lousy, you were fired. These things happen. When I got fired for gross incompetence at McDonald's did I go back and burn the place down? No. (Admittedly this had already happened as a result), well there you go.
Plus to then go utterly nuts and start abducting and killing children before blaming it on your robot double? Not cool, man. Not cool. Real villains admit their child-slaying with pride. Pride and an erection.
WHO?
Robert Farrell aka THE ROCKET RACER, villain cum vigilante-hero. His arch nemesis is a guy called the Big Wheel who, astoundingly, has a super-suit even more ridiculous looking than Farrell's.
WHY?
When his Mom died ol' Bob became responsible for six younger brothers and sisters so he did what anyone ( or at least any young black man created by old white guys...) would do when faced with the responsibility of being a stable role-model. He turned to crime. Fortunately Robert was a scientific prodigy and "developed a super-powered skateboard which is propelled at great speed by small rockets and cybernetically controlled by a crude walkman-like device" (Incidentally- a "crude" cybernetic control, Wikepedia? Lets see you build a supersuit when bringing up six kids in the projects, fucker.) to help in his criminal undertakings.
SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
OK. Putting aside RR's ridiculous costume (Seriously, dude. You and 80s era Luke Cage might as well have screamed "Disco, sucker!" at every foe.) if you can knock up a rocket powered skateboard WHICH YOU CAN RIDE UP WALLS then perhaps, PERHAPS you might just want to sell the patents to that thing to some Exxxtreeme skateboard company rather than go fight one of the most experienced superheroes in New York city with your "rocket powered punch."
Plus in the end he pussed out of the great career of Supervilliany to be a crappy vigilante. Fag.
(See also: Stilt-Man. Though I suspect rocket-skateboards would attract more kids than, well, stilts. Oh, Stilt-Man, I just can't leave you alone in these columns, can I?)
WHO?
Julian Day aka THE CALENDAR-MAN is fascinated by dates and calendars
WHY?
He's, uh, fascinated by dates and calendars.
SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
Dates and calendars...crime. And that goes becaaaaaause???? Leaving aside the idiocy of leaving clues to your crimes to a guy who is already the World's Greatest Detective at least have a decent REASON. You just freaky, man, freaky and sad.
Plus he and I once had this exchange:
FWM: "So, Calendar-Man, in all seriousness, how DID you get into crime?"
CM: "I got angry after I couldn't find a DATE!"
*long pause*
FWM: PUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCH!!!!
(see also, The Riddler, the Mad Hatter, The Puzzler. Christ, guys, start a sad obsessive's club so something)
WHO?
Philip Reardon aka THE TEN-EYED MAN, foe of Batman, looker up dresses.
WHY?
Phil was guarding a warehouse and got knocked out by some thieves. When Batman turned up to help a groggy Reardon attacked him before the warehouse blew up and Reardon got blinded in the explosion. He had his sight creepily restored by having new eyes implanted in the ends of his fingers and attempted to take revenge on Batman as The Ten Eyed Man.
SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
So many things. So, so many things. Now revenge is a fine motive and I hate Batsy as much as the next evildoer but the guy was CLEARLY coming to help you. And then you attacked him! That's like hitting someone with your favorite toy and then crying when it breaks on their head.
And you got your sight back- so where's the revenge? Ok, with eye-fingers like yours going to the bathroom might be a touch unpleasant and third base a touch gynecological bt still.
Plus whilst TEM was rarely equaled in the seeing-round-doors stakes as powers go his is, well, a bit lame.
WHO?
Eddie Brock aka VENOM, fang-sprouting, Spider-Man hating, symbiote of alien and man.
WHY?
Venom's motivation for villainy is two-fold. As Eddie Brock he wishes to kill Spider-Man for ruining his newspaper reporter career: in the comics by catching the real Sin Eater, revealing Eddie's Sin Eater exclusive as a fake. In the film by revealing his photo of Spider-Man committing crimes as a poor Photoshop effort, something you'd think J. Jonah Jameson could figure out on his own...
The alien symbiote hates Spider-Man because he rejected it when it was trying to bond with him.
SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
Well as expanded on above Eddie was basically fired for being rubbish at his job. Which is a lousy reason for villainy.
Far more disturbing is the alien's reason for villainy- you're evil because a guy rejected you? Soooo you attempted to move in, get totally clingy, start taking over the guys life and then you get psychotic when he tells you it's over? HmmmMMMMmmm. Basically Venom is the bigger, toothier version of that girl you dumped who used to phone you up sobbing, threatening to cut herself before scratching "I LUV U!!!" on your car and revenge-fucking one of your buddies.
Plus after dumping Brock and not getting Spider-Man the symbiote settled for The Scorpion. Can you say arachnid rebound?
Comments
Now this, THIS, is how a villain is supposed to write. Good job, man, on keeping your perspective firmly fixed on the ruthless and evil and making it funny.
Posted by: SayHiToYourMom | June 17, 2009 5:34 AM
Cheers, SHTYM! (that just sounds wrong when said aloud.)
Incidentally it appears I'm not the only one giving TEM press today. Check it: http://shortpacked.com/
Posted by: Flywingedmonkey | June 17, 2009 3:30 PM
Your broke your proofreader again, didn't you?
Posted by: The Termite | June 20, 2009 4:48 AM