I'm writing to you from one of my many hiding places across the globe, keeping my head down after my last public appearance; It always sucks when you manage to piss off multiple governments at once, you gotta hide from things that are hard to mind control, like scud missiles.
I've been going more insane than usual, because I've been in this particular safety bunker for a couple weeks, and my computer is messed up. The only website I can access aside from my e-mail for some reason is CNN.com. I've killed at least a dozen IT professionals already because their sage suggestion to reboot my machine did not work.
Now out of geeks, I've taken to reading the headlines on CNN.com and making the stories about me, or just not reading them and taking them horribly out of context for my own entertainment; not that they've been making that difficult. I'm starting to believe that many of these things actually happened the way I said. It might be because they did. Fuck, I don't know, I've been in a hole for two weeks.
How delicious! It was satisfying to find out that my powers of mind control extended into the afterlife! I'd convinced this man to run full tilt head first into a jet engine turbine; when this mystical medium who wrote this article contacted him, he was still under my influence! I'd told him it would be fun!
Bwahahahahahahaha! Good! She was really asking for it! Entertainment at its finest!
Well, they were the leftovers. The event started with about 200 kittens, but by then the walls and floors were just so slippery and covered with gore, our hands were chafed from winding the trebuchets over and over again... and the smell! I guess somebody didn't want their take-home party bag. Nice subtle evil there; imagine what adopting a kitten that watched a few hundred other kittens explode against walls would be like.
Curses! I thought I'd destroyed that abomination for good! I do not need a caffeinated boner! Hotties and biscotti do not mix! I have a hard enough time not lusting after clothed barristas at Starbucks! And they're almost all hideous.
Convincing that pastor to do the service was one of the most satisfying moments of my week. Getting the best man to kiss the bride was another. The dogs will now practice therapy as Mr. and Mrs. Astro.
Don't mess with me. I can get dogs married.
Man, that's still just a laugh riot.
This video was actually just a bunch of people talking. False advertising, CNN!
Ah, coverage of the slide show I made of my last vacation.
I lost a lot of money on that bet. I thought those chihuahuas had a chance. Next I'm going to see how that cougar does against a brace of mongoose, in an octagon ring. Those little guys are fierce when cornered... and there will be 8 corners.
When I was finally able to breathe again after rolling all over the floor laughing, I cleared the tears from my eyes, and rubbed the pain out of my sides, I clicked the link, and, again, the video was not as advertised. I want my puppy flushing, CNN.
Son of a bitch... I was going to use the proceeds from that venture to fund my 'shipping meth packed inside frozen hillbillies' and 'shipping baby seal pelts packed inside frozen baby seals' side projects. Oh well, that's why we have plans within plans, and escape pods.
What?
Another disappointing video. That's okay though; That's the last time those 4 assholes refuse to let me play through.
Comments
Now THIS is funny. I was starting to wonder if you guys were ever going to slap that superhero-loving bullshit "I'm bad but obviously not really because I can't step out of my own paradigm" faggoty cock out of your mouth and start acting humorously evil. You have! Great job. This was unique and pretty rad. Keep it up.
Posted by: SayHiToYourMom | June 23, 2009 7:36 PM
You think everything that happens in comics is real, don't you?
Posted by: King Oblivion Ph.D. | June 23, 2009 10:33 PM
That was pretty fuckin' evil. I don't know why I bother with you.
Keep up the good work!
Posted by: Kincsem1874 | June 24, 2009 1:09 AM
Oh good... I've impressed our troll. =)
Posted by: TheCatastropheSyndrome | June 24, 2009 1:19 AM
You keep this shit up and I might not be your troll anymore. Might be your hater-fan.
Posted by: SayHiToYourMom | June 24, 2009 3:25 AM
Cheers.
Posted by: TheCatastropheSyndrome | June 24, 2009 4:17 AM
If only someone had put a pressure released grenade into the bucket of kittens.
The populaces reaction would have absolutely made my day.
Posted by: The Sable Seraphrim | June 24, 2009 9:31 PM