Bowler
The trouble with bowler hats is that they have this reputation. The reputation being, of course, that they are only worn by silent film comedians and comedy duos of the early talkie period. A fine group to say the least, but pretty limiting.
I know, I know, that's not the truth about bowlers, you're telling me. A versatile group of everyday gentlemen, just like you or I, wear bowler hats on a regular basis. Why, I'm wearing a bowler hat right now, you say. Well, I'm sorry, but I must assume you're Stan Laurel. I can't change that.
Minus 3 bullets.
Toupee/wig
Here's the good thing about toupees and wigs: They are hilarious. No matter what the context, a grown man in a pink wig is just damn funny. He could be telling you he just got diagnosed with Crohn's disease and it wouldn't matter, because he would be wearing a pink wig.
Toupees are funny on a slightly different level; you have to first notice that it's a toupee and then find all the obvious discrepancies between hair colors and snicker when it moves. Either way, both are hilarious, and I commend those brave souls who wear them.
Plus 4 bullets.
Helmet
Listen, I don't much like the idea of being the guy who disagrees with those road safety videos we all had to watch in elementary school (actually, I kind of do), but I'm just going to put this out there: Helmets never look good. I don't care if it's motorcycle, bicycle, skateboard, whatever, they look goofy. They'll always look goofy and there's nothing you can do about it.
Sure, you can take some steps, like making sure the straps don't hang down, but it's like trying to soak up the ocean with a washcloth. It's simply futile.
Minus 5 bullets.
Cowl
Batman wears a cowl, that's true. But as we've argued before, Batman is inarguably pretty awesome, villains or not. Ninjas also wear cowls.
I rest my case.
Plus 7 bullets.
One of those fruit hats
Why put fruit on a hat? Yes, I know Carmen Miranda got really famous for wearing fruit on her hat and now she appears on fine bananas sold everywhere, but, to put it simply, that's not what fruit was made for.
I mean, I could go around wearing a cheeseburger on my head all day, and that wouldn't be any better. In fact, I would probably be constantly fighting off bird attacks. I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened with the fruit. Or what if you got stranded on a desert island? Don't you think the person with the fruit hat would be the first one eaten? You've already got a side dish right there.
Minus 6 bullets.
A reflecty doctor thing
The more I think about this, the more I'm going to constantly carry one of these around with me, so that if anyone I know ever gets knocked unconscious I can pull this thing out, strap it to my head and make sure they see the reflected light on the circular thing on my head, making them think I am a doctor from the 1950s or 60s come to resuscitate them, when in fact, I am just MW, and I am laughing at them.
(NOTE: I am a dick.)
Plus 4 bullets.
Comments
alexander de large wore a bowler hat in 'a clockwork orange' and he wasn't a comedian or a regular guy. he might even qualify as a villian, before the whole mind-conditioning thing...
Posted by: donuteyes | June 27, 2009 4:13 PM
Don't forget to refer to Dr. Scott for proper head mirror technique.
Posted by: Metz77 | June 28, 2009 9:04 AM