Being a Supervillianous Parent

by Flywingedmonkey

child.jpg

Kids.

They're tricky little buggers. On the one hand you want to groom them to the horrors of the world so they can seize the day with an iron fist of evil and make you proud.

But on the other hand if you go too horrific- like, say, shooting their parents dead in front of their eyes, say, you could well end up with a dangerous crime-fighting obsessive on your hands. That or a weeping, staring flesh-ball who moves only to stuff further gobs of it's own excretement into its wailing maw. Neither of these is particularly useful for furthering that next-generation-of-evil vibe you were hoping for, let me tell you.

The thing to do is to start small. Give them the mild trauma- enough trauma to make them tough and callous, but not so much as to snap their dinky little minds completely.

Here's a selection of things to say to kids that fit just that bill.

  • I hate you!
  • Santa's dead. Herpes.
  • Under the bed? No, no. Monsters live in your closet, silly. 'Night.
  • No birthdays for accidental children.
  • You're adopted!
  • Just always say yes and everyone will like you.
  • Pass me that morphine needle, willya?
  • You're bleeding from where? Christ, you're dying
  • You have cancer & we're setting up a charity for you. (Except they don't and you're going to embezzle all the money and live a lavish lifestyle without telling them. This, by the way has already happened. Niiiice, eh?)
  • We're splitting up. But I want you to know- it's all your fault.
  • Your father came to a bad end and so will you.
  • If you touch it it'll fall off.
  • We're Welsh.
  • You look really sexy in this light...

Flywingedmonkey is a holder of 4 PhDs in Child Psychology, Biochemistry, Biopsychiatry and Mad Science. Admittedly he didn't really earn them, acquiring them through an idle theft but nonetheless.

He has invented the Thrombic Finulator, the Orbital Neurowash and the Club Sandwich (Mexican style). FWM is also the author of "Hypno-Assertion: Take Control of your Life by Taking Control of Theirs", "Better Management through Genocide" and "the Pretty Little Kitty goes to Paris." (Now banned in 47 states.)

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Comments

I disagree with this whole premise. The key to raising supervillain children is to praise and educate them. Training in the martial arts, literature and the sciences. Get their expectations so high that only a total world take over would ever satisfy their ambitions.

Eh, even the best techniques can backfire.

Just ask Fu Manchu.

You know, I've been looking for a good school to start in on my Mad Science (it's the BEST science!) post-grad degree… any suggestions?

I dunno Captain Cursor. Victor Von Doom got all that, and he still can't obtain much more than being tricked into getting his ass dragged into hell.

Why not just turn the child into a bleating monster and let it be your servant after keeping it in the shed/dungeon/what have you for 18 years?

I'd recommend State University, Rache.

Victor Von Doom went there for a bit, and even managed to contact hell itself before they called him on it, and Reed Richards (Hate him as we all do, but the man knows mad science) is an alumni. Considering he went there after his precocious years at Yale, Princeton, and the like, that says something about their science department.

I would say it is nearly impossible to 'raise' a supervillain child. Looking around, at myself and my peers, most of our parents died or gave up on us very early in our lives... or if not, had otherwise crazy circumstances, like ridiculous amounts of money, or one was an alligator, etc.
I think the things you suggest saying to your children *would* cause some sort of criminal behavior later in life, which I applaud, but I don't know whether or not it'd inspire them to supervillainy. For that I'd suggest things like showing them how to use super-science to destroy their crushes' boyfriend or girlfriend... or encourage them to take revenge on teachers who give them bad grades.
This... this is just being evil to your child, which isn't a bad thing per se, but its best to save your cruelty for when they're teenagers, where they'll really be hormonal and driven insane by it due to having a keener grasp on reality and circumstance. (When compared to anytime previous to their teens; I'm not saying teenagers are smart.)
Oooo! Wait for your teen son or daughter to have a date, and then when you meet said date, use some evil means to make their date lust after you, just to drive them insane. Act like you don't notice; oh the glorious cruelty. Your son or daughter will be shaking their fist at the air and gnashing their teeth vowing revenge in no time.
In any event, please abuse your children, I'll abuse mine, and with any luck at least one of the buggers will grow up to be globally feared and make us all proud.

I don't neccesarily agree on all of this article. Sometimes you can be fortunate enough to have a child who is not only a genius, but has a natural aptitude for evil! Why, my son was making weapons of mass destruction in his diaper before he was two! I have an abandoned missle silo here filled with them, just waiting for a few more parts on my ballistic missle delivery system!

Yes folks, chains, dungeons and abuse DO have their place, but the discerning Evil Genius needs to recognize talent and reward it appropriately. Furthermore there are opportunities for Father-son bonding on these things! Why, just last week, when we were being pestered by one of those wretched would be do-gooders from Child Protective Services, my son pulled the lever on the trapdoor to the crocodile pit and dropped her in ALL BY HIMSELF WITHOUT ANY PROMPTING FROM DADDY!

'sigh'

These are the kind of moments that make a father and evil genius proud!
Evil Genius and Father,
Dr DNA

This was a pretty good article overall. However, there is a more direct way:

Rape, mutilation/disfigurement (doesn't have to be you; by whom won't matter since the child will be too young to really know/care) are keys to ensuring a future supervillain, coupled with teaching that nothing is sacred and instant gratification is the only measure of worth in life (all taught from a distance, of course, through "lessons" and applied sciences/conjured situations; you don't want to actually be around to "raise" your child, thereby instilling in it a sense of loneliness and vulnerability from the start).

The trick is to set up a mutually exclusive irreconcilable dichotomy in the little asshole's psyche: through rape, mutilation/disfigurement and abandonment you teach that it is inherently worthless and objectified/loathsome. Yet later on, after you have shaped its behavior through the "lessons" you taught it (with mercenaries and actors hired for various types of lessons), you reveal yourself and show that all the hardship and agony through which you have put your child was for its benefit.

Between that and the rape/mutilation/disfigurement, the child won't know what to make of itself: is it a detestable fleshy lump valuable only for abuse or is it the center of the world as its parent (you) has shown it by orchestrating all these lessons? At the very least the child will learn by your example: that true evil reveals there is no "line" that cannot be crossed and "genius" resides in pure manipulation for self-gratification.

If your child goes insane or blows its head off, you win (one less person in the world). If it grows up to be a conflicted monster that carries on the Machiavellian family tradition of narcissistic abuse then you have another supervillain to add to your ranks.

Y'know, I have to say that doing this is a one-way ticket to death. For example, my dad tried this on me.

He died. Slowly and painfully.

It's FAR better to use what I've dubbed the 'underdog psychology'. Take the child from their parents and society, teach them that, had they stayed, they would have been ostracized and enslaved (I like pointing to Hitler as proof of how evil humanity is), and you are the child's only salvation. Then teach them to conquer the 'barbarians'. Works every time.

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