August 7
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
What it's about: General Hawk (Dennis Quaid) leads a group of C-list actors in fancy football uniforms against a conspicuously non-metal-faced Scottish Weapons dealer Destro's (Christopher Eccleston) worldwide campaign against monuments.
What to expect: Remember Team America: World Police? The people who made this movie obviously don't.
Julie & Julia
What it's about: Julia Child (Meryl Streep) learns to cook and earn respect while living in Paris. Meanwhile, in the future, some other lady (Amy Adams) tries to cook everything in Julia Child's cookbook. You didn't see it, but I just fell asleep for a thousand hours.
What to expect: A Julia Child movie that has nothing to do with the only interesting thing about Julia Child. Way to go, Nora Ephron.
Shorts
What it's about: A group of suburban kids with hilarious names like Loogie find a magic rock that grants them wishes. Then a doughy grown-up in a suit (James Spader) takes the rock and makes a somewhat menacing wish. Mild action ensues!
What to expect: For director Robert Rodriguez to (hopefully) follow this bland, completely inoffensive kids' movie with Machete, a movie that, according to the trailer included in "Grind House," will be the finest film ever made.
August 14
District 9
What it's about: A government agent (Sharlto Copley) discovers all the troubles a group of refugee aliens have had to endure since they arrived on Earth nearly 30 years ago and were subjected to Jim-nax Crow-non laws. He also accidentally infects himself with an alien virus because he's an idiot.
What to expect: A stern warning regarding prejudice against aliens/black people/gay people/black gay aliens.
The Time Traveler's Wife
What it's about: A jerky time traveler (Eric Bana) who apparently has no control over when and where he travels makes a point of spoiling every possible surprise in life for a woman (Rachel McAdams) stupid enough to marry her because he met her when she was a kid.
What to expect: Laughter! Tears! The couple staying together despite the fact he's clearly getting down with Marie Antionette in the past!
Bandslam
What it's about: OMG BANDS! OMG SINGING! OMG THAT GIRL FROM HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (VANESSA HUDGENS)! OMG A FORMER FRIENDS CAST MEMBER (LISA KUDROW) BEING BLAND AND UNFUNNY!
What to expect: For the battle of the bands to be judged on musical talent, skill and merit. No, I'm just kidding. The main characters will win. Sorry to spoil it for you, movie-going public.
Comments
...Christopher Eccleston is in that movie? For those of you who don't know Doctor Who (shame! it's the only reason Great Britain won't be wiped off the face of the Earth), he was the Doctor for the first season of the new series.
Posted by: The Stranger | August 11, 2009 2:24 PM