Sooner or later, every evil genius needs a companion. I don't mean a sidekick or living sex toy, I'm talking about something you can trust not to stab you in the back or betray you when an agent from MI5 comes along.
Of course, as a paragon of evil you can't just skip on down to the local pet store and pick up a hamster. Choose carefully, this decision could make the difference between gloating over the painful death of your enemy and the humiliation of being laughed at (just before destroying your enemy).
Cat
Some low-grade movie and cartoon kinds of villains like to stroke cats in a "sinister" manner while plotting or whatever.
Let's be honest here. Stroking a cat isn't sinister, it's relaxing. They are, however, evil pets.
Why? Besides having a repuatation for being aloof and unapproachable, cats will happily leave furballs and less savoury by-products where you least expect them. Nothing ruins a good pace-and-monologue like stepping in a glob of masticated food, fur and stomach acid.
They're also deadly predators, which is why they spend so much of their time sleeping. Or are they meditating on their plans for world domination? You'll never know.
Shark
Sharks are, of course, a classic. Whether you're equipping them with lasers or just relying on their awesome natural weaponry, nothing protects your island fortress quite like sharks.
Choose the great white for size and power. Go with the mako for raw speed. Haul up a goblin shark to freak people right out (they're pink, they've got a big snout, and their teeth thrust forward a very impressive amount when they bite). Lastly, the bull shark is always a good choice for plain old agressiveness and unpredictability.
Be careful if you're ordering over the Internet or from a catalogue. Whale sharks may be the largest sharks in Earth's oceans, but they're filthy pacifists who eat krill instead of wanna-be James Bonds. Wobbegong sharks might be highly camouflaged and impressively large, but they mostly just sit around not eating humans.
Komodo dragon
What's not to love about a huge carnivorous lizard with razor-sharp claws, a mouth full of sharp teeth, and a running speed fast enough to hunt deer?
Sure it's fast, strong and tenacious, but what if it had a mouth full of deadly bacteria that'll cause bites to turn septic, causing victims to die painfully with full-body inflamation, high fever and massive organ failure.
Komodo dragons are obviously awesome (and check out the name!), but they're also patient enough to wait around for large prey (like cows, or S.W.A.T. agents) to die from their infected bites. So they can eat the fresh corpse.
Anything from Australia
Australia is a beautiful and interesting land filled with lovely people (Kylie, call me!), cute native fauna and stunning beaches.
Also, every living thing there is insanely venomous and trying to kill you.
Looking for a ridiculously venomous spider to drop down the back of someone's shirt? The Sydney funnel-web spider is notoriously agressive and one of the deadliest (to humans; nobody cares about other animals) spiders in the world.
Snakes more your style? Seven of the world's ten deadliest snakes live in Australia. Just waiting for you to step on them with your sandals. None of them are rattlesnakes, so they're not even going to warn you before pumping you full of venom. Just imagine how surprised your dinner guests will look!
Serbian pit viper
Imagine, if you will, a venomous snake that strikes so fast that, if you take a picture as it begins to move, it'll appear in several places on the film. Imagine it sitting up in a tree, waiting for unsuspecting Serbian farmers out for a relaxing evening constitutional.
The Serbian pit viper's venom causes catastrophic nervous system failure, resulting in horrifying seizures while the victim's lungs slowly fill with fluid. Its speed and toxicity make it an insanely deadly hunter haunting the forests of Eastern Europe.
At least, it will once the experiments are done and I release the test subjects.
Comments
My evil cohort gave me shit for having the "Kylie, call me!" part. Curses, foiled again!
Posted by: Operative Rache | July 12, 2009 2:07 PM
Komodo Dragons are also cost effective. Get one female and you can eventually get a whole army of them, rather than the larger populations you need to prevent inbreeding in other species.
They're the perfect pet!
Posted by: The Finnish Fiend! | July 12, 2009 10:21 PM
Call me old fashioned, but in my humble opinion nothing tells your henchmen "You are utterly expendable" than casually throwing them into your shark tank for the most trivial of failures. Good times.
Posted by: Overlord K | July 13, 2009 1:54 AM
I want to go with the Australia option. Is it possible to get a venemous wallabee?
Posted by: Gal Sabre | July 13, 2009 2:17 AM
Literally everything in Australia is horrendously venomous so yes, venomous wallabee is a possibility.
If you can't find one with poison sacks, get one anyway, they're ridiculously cute… use this to distract your enemies!
Posted by: Operative Rache | July 13, 2009 8:17 AM
I'm more of a dog person. Biologically altered giant man-eating rottweillers person, that is.
Posted by: Doctora Ruina | July 13, 2009 10:50 AM
I'm more of a dog person. Biologically altered giant man-eating rottweillers person, that is.
Posted by: Doctora Ruina | July 13, 2009 10:51 AM
I went for ferrets. They steal things, they bite, and they're more flexible than snakes. Also, they have all the adorable strokability of cats.
And they can activate doomsday devices for you.
Posted by: Professor Innocuous | July 13, 2009 12:46 PM
Of course, I considered Headcrabs, but that fool Kleiner kinda ruined it.
I mean, if the harmless, wacky mad scientist has one as a pet, it looses the intimidation, you know?
Posted by: Professor Calamity! | July 13, 2009 2:30 PM
I'm still trying to create a werewolf. It's just cost-effective to have a savage pet only I can control and a henchman.
Posted by: Dr. Termite | July 14, 2009 6:57 AM
Wolves, cybernetic wolves with thiatnium dentures
Posted by: cyberwolf77 | July 15, 2009 3:43 PM
Cost-Effective? If I may give my evil opinion (as I will), don't splurge on your evil pet. It's a signature.... an evil signature.
Posted by: Captain Cartilage | July 16, 2009 9:58 PM
Silly boy, everyone knows it's white mice who want to take over the world. Oh, and hamsters. Not cats.
Posted by: Darth Obvius | July 18, 2009 2:13 PM
FYI: Another Australian threat-the platypus. A consummate non-conformist, this duck-billed, venomous, egg-laying mammal can also locate prey with electroreception. A deadly threat and nasty to look at.
Posted by: CaptainAverage | July 25, 2009 12:04 PM
There are actually a few non-venomous animals in Australia. I've got a list somewhere... Oh, there it is.
Some of the sheep.
Posted by: An Ominously Anonymous Man | August 25, 2009 10:47 AM