Be really careful when picking out your minions. Sure mutant animals and top-heavy lovlies sound great (as opposed to mutant lovlies and top heavy animals which is at best sad and at worst severely disturbing.) but you have to exercise some quality control.
Don't be this guy, in other words.
Dr Merciless: Attention World Leaders. It is I; Dr Merciless! You are doubtless aware of my satellites floating in the upper atmosphere. In less than 17 hours my hyper-bovio-cranio-accelerators will active and enhance the brains of all the cows in the world! This will cause massive moral dilemmas as to whether they can still be eaten! You will all have billions of potentially new citizens to care for! Drinking their milk will be a bit icky! Civilisation will be thrown into chaos!
President of the UN: You're saying that you're going to make cows as smart as people? Egads!
Dr Merciless: Indeed! Behold: Daisy the Ultracow!
Daisy the Ultracow: Moo.
Dr Merciless: See!
President of the UN: She said moo.
Dr Merciless: Yes!!! Tremble!!!
President of the UN: All cows moo.
Dr Merciless: Well, yes, I suppose. But she mooed by way of an introduction, right Ultracow?
Daisy the Ultracow: Moo.
Dr Merciless: See?
President of the UN: She can't talk?
Dr Merciless: Don't be stupid. She has no vocal chords. What are you, thick?
President of the UN: Y'know. She looks just like a normal cow.
Dr Merciless: So, a test you want, eh? Daisy; Carrots are orange. Moo... or false?
Daisy the Ultracow: Moo.
Assembled World Leaders: Gasp!!
Dr Merciless: Gasp indeed! Now unless you give m...
Ring Ring!
Dr Merciless: Excuse me for a moment. Hello? What? No there's no Jennifer here. Now I'm...
Jenna Talia: Oh, oh, that's me. Hi Mom. No, no, I can talk.
Dr Merciless: How did she get this number?
Jenna Talia: I gave it to her. This stupid underground base doesn't get any mobile signal. Yeah, I'm still here. Really? He didn't?
Dr Merciless: Look, I'm kind of in the middle of something here.
Jenna Talia: What? Oh, I don't know, some stupid thing about cows.
Dr Merciless: Talia! Evil plan? Trillions of dollars?
Jenna Talia: You had to build it in the Antarctic. You couldn't build it in LA.
Dr Merciless: Shut up, you airhead bimbo!
Jenna Talia: God. You're always so mean to me. He's always so mean to me.
President of the UN: Uh, do you want to call us back?
Dr Merciless: No!!! You- hang up the phone. You- stay right there. Ultracow...
Daisy the Ultracow: Moo.
Dr Merciless: Yeah. You do that. That's good. Right.
Jenna Talia: It wouldn't kill you to be nice, you know. That spy was much nicer than you.
Dr Merciless: What???!!!
Jenna Talia: He said my eyes were the colour of the moonlit sky.
Dr Merciless: What???!!!
Jenna Talia: He said my eyes we...
Dr Merciless: That was an incredulous what, you dink.
Jenna Talia: Don't call me a dink. I came first in the Understanding Evil Schemes round of "The Henchman: You're Eviscerated."
President of the UN: I really can call back...
BASE SELF DESTRUCT INITIATED. TEN MINUTES TO BASE DESTRUCT
Dr Merciless: Perfect. I knew I should have gone for the mute Chinaman.
Comments
The spy activated the self destruct device, fully knowing there was a helpless, newly sentient cow in the base? You may have defeated Dr. Merciless, MI6...but at what cost? AT WHAT COST!?
Posted by: Overlord K | July 24, 2009 5:44 PM
To be fair that cow had already thrown its lot in with evil. They are very unforgiving of that sort of thing, are spies.
Just ask my dead toddler-minions and badly beaten kitten-enforcers...
Posted by: Flywingedmonkey | July 25, 2009 6:07 PM