July 17
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
What it's about: Boy wizard Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) returns to take on the threats of computer generated fire, liquid and smoke.
What to expect: For the people who made the Harry Potter movies huge hits over the past five years or so to suddenly wonder what the big deal is. I mean, where are all the sparkly vampires and dumb-looking werewolves? That's what movies need nowadays.
July 24
G-Force
What it's about: Guinea pigs who are also former government operatives for some reason wind up in a pet shop, where they go on adventures and shit, I guess.
What to expect: Fart jokes! So many fart jokes. Because it just follows that movies about black-ops agent guinea pigs should include a lot of gags about poots.
The Ugly Truth
What it's about: A humorless shrew (Katherine Heigl) gets dating tips from a boorish lout (Gerard Butler) who sexually harasses co-workers in front of his bosses and somehow doesn't get fired. I WONDER IF THEY'LL GET TOGETHER
What to expect: Hey, remember when Katherine Heigl complained to Vanity Fair that "Knocked Up" was "a little bit sexist" because the women in it were humorless and uptight? Did she have a stroke or something?
Orphan
What it's about: A female version of Damien from "The Omen" (Isabelle Fuhrman) terrorizes her parents and classmates in a manner that is somehow even less subtle than "The Omen."
What to expect: Hilarious jokes about kids receiving text messages from nursery rhyme characters. Man, those just can't miss.
July 31
Funny People
What it's about: A super-famous comedian with tired material (Adam Sandler) tells his sycophantic comedian friend (Seth Rogen) that he's dying. Oh man, what a riot! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
What to expect: Luckily, the trailer gives everything away. He doesn't die, he wins over the affections of a married woman, he watches himself on a bunch of TVs, he does a bad cover of a Ringo Starr song. $10.50, saved.
Aliens in the Attic
What it's about: A perfectly average, incredibly annoying affluent whitebread family discovers aliens in their new house. Instead of just leaving or, you know, suing their realtor for not disclosing such an obvious liability, they choose to put their grandmother (Doris Roberts) in mortal danger.
What to expect: Hilarious, groundbreaking catchphrases! "This is so not happening?" Oh man! Where do they come up with this stuff?
Comments
Why is it that every movie made about small and (usually) furry animals is compelled to include fart jokes?
Posted by: Darth Obvius | July 10, 2009 4:36 AM