International Society of Supervillains: The ISS Takes on: Rich Johnston's "Sexy Muse"

We here at the ISS have taken on the website of comics "journalist" and self-promoting, vanity searching, suicide victim mocking troll Rich Johnston before. But when we read that he had published a column from a real, live woman promising to expose "the sexy side of fandom", we couldn't resist risking another hilariously long winded and incoherent rebuttal from the site's headmaster. Here's the first installment of "A Very Modern Muse" by Irene Adler, with commentary by yours truly.

You have no idea what a muse is. That's alright. I won't hold it against you - unless I really like your work...

Assuming that we don't know the meaning of a word that the overwhelming majority of people probably learned by the sixth grade? Wow, what a relatable and non-pretentious way of beginning an article about tarting yourself up for the approval of nerds!

Think about the last con you attended - perhaps the giant, flashy clusterfuck that is San Diego Comic Con. Maybe something smaller like Baycon or Gallifrey One.

Gallifrey One? A quick googling shows that to be a Doctor Who Convention. What the hell did you go as, a sexy Dalek?

It doesn't matter where you went; if you went there in the last few years, you were in the presence of a muse. And if you were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of this exquisite creature, you definitely haven't forgotten her. Because that's exactly what a muse is - unforgettable.

Above: Unforgettable

What she ISN'T is a groupie. She's not at the con to fuck a hot dude in leather pants - which is good because they're rather thin on the ground.

Woah, did you just make a joke about how comic book fans are typically unattractive? Be careful there, I wouldn't want you to slip and fall off of the bleeding edge of comedy!!!

She's not there because she's lonely and needs the attention of the rich and famous to feel ok about herself - those girls are busy snorting cocaine in dingy Hollywood bathrooms.

Ha! Take THAT people with drug abuse problems!

She's not looking for her big break - if she was willing to put up with the trappings of fame she'd already be famous.

I will bet you a hundred dollars that this girl has sent a modeling portfolio to suicidegirls.com.

She is most definitely not queued up waiting to get into the Twilight panel. She's not that creepy girl trying to get anyone who's anyone to take a picture with her dirty Pinkachu doll. She's not squeezed into a Wonder Woman costume that didn't even fit her ten pounds ago.

"Let she who is without a PVC catsuit cast the first stone."- Luke 4:22

The muse is sitting at a nearby hotel bar, surrounded by the best and brightest minds in the business, holding court as confidently as the very best of the old world courtesans.

Okay, drop the act Rich Johnston. We know it's you. No real woman would say these things.

How did she get there? I know you're tempted to say it's all because of the artistically displayed décolleté, impossibly tiny waist, and legs that would make Lady Death hang her head in shame.

I was going to say "because she's wearing an outfit that shows off her titties", but okay, we'll go with what you said.

And yes, those are some of her charms. But don't sell her short, my shallow friends. There's far more to the art of being a muse than looking like a sex kitten.

She's not just a skank, she's a pretentious skank!

For one thing, she's making the head of a film company laugh so hard he's choking on his over-priced martini.

Because a man would never laugh at a hot girl's jokes for any reason other than respect for her raw talent!

She knows what that editor-in-chief to her right likes in his coffee.

So you're like a secretary but without the whole "getting paid" thing. Girl power!

The artist to her left is even now figuring out how to sketch her snarky little smirk onto the face of his latest character. And the writer sitting beside her? She's already read the next three issues of his smash hit - before the publisher has. They're great, by the way. Especially after he made that one little change she suggested.

are you fucking kidding me

The muse is the most passionate woman you'll ever meet, and she wants to fuck your brain.

The word "mindfuck" does indeed come to mind while reading this.

Some girls like chiseled abs, others get wet for big fat wallets, but the muse lusts after talent. A witty turn of phrase, the right artistic style, a story so raw and urgent that she needs the climax with every inch of her body - these are a few of her favorite things. The greatest compliment you could give her is to let her be your inspiration. If she's in a good mood, she might even let you think it's your idea.

An elitist, smug, controlling woman who openly flirts with other men and attributes all of your accomplishments to her very presence? What a catch!

She's Mata Hari. She's Madame de Pompadour. She is me. She could be you, too. Wouldn't you like to meet her?

Did... did you just compare Madame de Pompadour to a booth babe? Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson was an immensely talented and beautiful woman who had a powerful effect on the government of Pre-Revolutionary France, not to mention inspiring one of the better episodes of the new Doctor Who. You on the other hand, dress up like the Baroness so that nerds can wank to you. Hard to say who's the clear winner here.

Hi. I'm Irene Adler. I'm going to be your guide to the sexy side of fandom. I'll take you along on some of my adventures and I'll even let you in on a few tricks of the trade. I'll give you a fleeting glimpse into how I became such a paragon of vice & virtue and teach you how to navigate the ever-shifting waters of this mad little world we all love so much.

Well maybe I've been too hard on Irene here. Maybe instead of being a pretentious, self-absorbed sexpot who surrounds herself with sex-starved nerds to gain the attention she so desperately craves, she's really just a strong, independent, and sexually liberated woman carving out a niche of her own in the often sexist and demeaning world of comics fandom.

Did I mention there will be corsets?

Or not.

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Comments

"suicide victim mocking troll" - What?

Posted by: Rich Johnston | July 31, 2009 7:00 PM

For someone who's a "paragon of virtue and vice" and apparently world fucking famous, she is awfully coy with her identity.

Oh wait that's because we found out who she is and she's just another hanger-on. Gotcha.

Posted by: Operative X | July 31, 2009 7:06 PM

In the kingdom of the fan, the reasonably attractive person can lord it.

I for one am amazed that there are tedious narcissists in the world and cannot wait for further columns from one such individual and their overwhelming sense of self importance.

Posted by: Ira Addled | July 31, 2009 7:42 PM

Holy fucking shit.

I've met people like this. You have. We all have.

Jesus, even a child knows that when you meet an insecure, self-absorbed, aggro-arrogant nerd, regardless of gender, you fucking run like hell.

Tip for Ms. Adler: genuinely confident people don't have to tell us how cool they are. Anxiety pours from your words like sweat from Nixon's face. Chill a bit. Your social maladaption is showing.

Posted by: Harvey Jerkwater | July 31, 2009 8:14 PM

Did I happen to mention how exquisitely fucking cool I am?

No?

Well, er...I am. Rumor has it, Angelina Jolie took one look at me, and decided she wanted kids.

Lots of em.

I guess I'm a muse.

Posted by: Reverend Rogue | July 31, 2009 9:50 PM

hahahaha wow. oh my god, i'm impressed by how horrific this person is. the word muse and such flowery speech givers her away as a renfest larp-er. i'm perpetually grossed out by people who think they're amazing and inspirational TO OTHER PEOPLE; defining yourself as an inspirational object rather than an actual creator of anything is an astoundingly sad view of just being lazy and boring. a lack of humility and an overbearing prideful attitude is disgusting, i don't care what age, gender, occupation, whatever you are. people like this give nerds a bad name.

Posted by: veryvery | July 31, 2009 10:36 PM

I'm very tempted to think this entire thing is an elaborate ruse on Johnston's part, intended to subtly lampoon self absorbed "muses" like the one described above. Of course, that's probably giving him far, far, FAR too much credit. On another note, "Ms. Adler" (in the unlikely event such a person actually exists) seems quite taken with her thesaurus.

Posted by: Overlord K | August 1, 2009 2:20 AM

"Hi, I'm the meatspace version of Tarot, check it out. Seriously, I swear you guys!"

You know, the best cosplay photo I saw from SDCC last week was some dude dressed up like Fred Flintstone… looked exactly like John Goodman from the (shitty) movie.

Wait, what if it was John Goodman and he's just desperate for attention?

- OR

Posted by: Operative Rache | August 1, 2009 8:30 AM

http://www.bleedingcool.com/forums/showthread.php?p=21723

Fuck! Seriously, read that. I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that it was written, or the fact that nerds are going to yummy down on this shit like a hoagie.

Posted by: bg | August 1, 2009 10:52 AM

There's nothing nerds love more than a good pander.

Posted by: King Oblivion Ph.D. | August 2, 2009 2:26 AM

Oh shit, I hadn't noticed that Rich himself had already commented. I must have missed it because I was on the lookout for an 800-word, incoherent rant.

Posted by: bg | August 2, 2009 9:37 AM

Isn't Irene Adler the name of the one woman who duped Sherlock Holmes? I forget the name of the case, but I'm pretty sure that was her name. I suspect some form of chicanery is afoot.

Posted by: Brehon | August 3, 2009 10:30 AM

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