In a shocking move, Sarah Palin resigned as Alaska's governor last week. In a move that was less shocking, she did it with a speech that made no goddamn sense.
0:10:
I'm not wired to operate under the same old politics as usual.
Yeah! Who needs that old style of politics where people actually finish the jobs they were elected to do? You show 'em, Sarah!
0:52:
My choice is to take a stand and effect change and not just hit our head against the wall and watch valuable state time and money, millions of your dollars, go down the drain in this new political environment.
I think Sarah's gonna pull a Guy Fawkes. Anarchy in the AK!
1:06:
Rather, we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time on another scale and actually make a difference for our priorities, and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans.
"We're gonna start inside this process with, also, to make within our boundaries a process to deplete the world of prepositional phrases by using them beyond their normal use and above the fold and hickory dickory dock the mouse ran up the clock for our priorities."
1:26:
You are naive if you don't see a full-court press from a national level picking away right now!
That's right, rubes! You're a grade-A moron if you don't recognize that there's a cliche basketball analogy going on right now! Get with it, folks!
1:32:
Sarah's point guard analogy actually isn't that bad, except instead of describing the point guard as passing the ball, she should say that the point guard is quitting the team in the third quarter so she can go make lots of money on speaking tours and run for president.
2:17:
I really don't want to disappoint anyone with this announcement.
"So shut up, voters that elected me!"
3:03:
In response to asking, "Hey, do you want me to make a positive difference and fight for all our children's future from outside the governor's office?", it was four yeses and one "Hell yeah!"
There wasn't even one "What the fuck does that mean?"
3:19:
I think, though, much of it had to do with them seeing their baby brother Trig mocked and ridiculed by some pretty mean-spirited adults recently.
I'm sorry, but I just am having a hard time believing that media professionals have actually openly mocked a down syndrome baby.
Hey, where is Trig, anyway? It looks like he must be operating the camera! Ha-ha! Ohhhh! Sick burn!
3:50:
My decision was also fortified during this most recent trip to Kosovo and Landstuhl to visit our wounded soldiers overseas.
So, she traveled back in time to a war from 1999? Wow!
4:03:
We can all learn from our selfless, selfless troops. They're bold and they don't give up.
"Unless, of course, they've had to endure a lot of media scrutiny and an ethics investigation, in which case, they should be allowed to leave and no one should be disappointed in them."
4:55:
I'm doing what's best for Alaska.
Little-known fact: Her pet name for herself is "Alaska."
4:57:
And I have explained why.
So wait, you can just say you explained why you're abandoning your responsibilities without actually having to really explain it? That works? I gotta start doing that.
5:15:
I sure don't want anyone, any Alaskan, to be dissuaded from entering politics after seeing this real climate change that began in August.
She may be quitting, but it's good to see she hasn't lost her snarky, uninformed, science-hating gumption.
5:53:
...they're willing to call an audible and pass the ball when it's time.
It appears she knows just as much about basketball as she knows about politics.
6:32:
Take the words of General MacArthur. He said, "We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction."
Douglas MacArthur also said, "Age wrinkles the body, quitting wrinkles the soul."
And there's nothing we like seeing more than souls withering. So go get 'em, Barracuda!
Comments
Pfffft, hahahahaha.
I just watched Palin's quitting speech.
Oh cool, the ISS took it on, too!
Posted by: TheCatastropheSyndrome | July 8, 2009 2:11 AM
If I followed in either of my predecessors' footsteps, Palin would be my subject of choice to douse with fear gas or test the sharpness of my pitchfork on.
Posted by: Scarecrow | July 18, 2009 3:44 AM