August 21
Inglorious Basterds
What it's about: A group of Jewish-American soldiers led by a bloodthirsty lieutenant (Brad Pitt) rampages through Nazi-occupied France taking German scalps and otherwise brutally murdering ze Krauts. That's right! A movie about World War II! What a concept!
What to expect: Given Quentin Tarantino's track record, it will almost certainly be two things: 1) A humorous and beauitful ballet of violence, 2) an extraordinarily talky snore-fest where the characters won't shut the fuck up at any time, ever. Make no mistake, It will be both of these things, no matter how contradictory they may seem.
Post Grad
What it's about: A recent college graduate (Alexis Bledel) finds it difficult to find a job, like that's special or something. Meanwhile, a dude who's totally into her but who she can't see in front of her face decides to go to law school in New York. And then some swarthy lothario shows up, too. So the lesson is, if you're unemployed, guys will still be all over you, ladies.
What to expect: For her to remain unemployed and alone. It's a recession, after all.
August 28
Halloween II
What it's about: Crazy stone-faced killer Michael Myers returns to terrorize and/or murder his sister (Scout Taylor-Compton) and the his psychiatrist (Malcolm McDowell). Haven't you done enough already, Michael Myers? With "The Love Guru?"
What to expect: A completely different type of movie than the 25 or so Halloween movies prior to these Rob Zombie remakes. How can we tell? In this one, he has a hood on!
Taking Woodstock
What it's about: A young man (Demetri Martin) offers up his family's farm for some music festival called "Woodstock." Chaos ensues when Limp Bizkit begins playing "Break Shit," however, and many are attacked and/or raped. No such festival is ever performed again.
What to expect: The second movie in two weeks with Demetri Martin in it! How many drolly ironic stick-figure drawings can we endure on the big screen this summer?
The Final Destination
What it's about: Some kid (Bobby Campo) can see ways that people are going to die...before it happens! But then they die anyway, so it's not really very useful. But it is in 3-D!
What to expect: The exact same plot as the other three "Final Destination" movies. But don't be fooled! This is not the first movie again. For one thing, this one doesn't have Tony Todd in it. Or deaths that are nearly as creative. Or anything that really makes it worth seeing. Look, just rent "Final Destination 2," and fast-forward to the glass-impalement death. That's all you need.
Comments
God Lord!
Final Destination 4, that´s an evil plan to bore us to death
Posted by: Moni Bolis | August 9, 2009 1:15 PM
For some reason I get the impression that the makers of "Post Grad" are banking the movie's success on the main actress' likeness to Zooey Deschanel.
Posted by: JTN | August 14, 2009 8:04 PM