Subject's Name: Unknown
Subject's Powers: The ability to watch someone perform an action and then perfectly duplicate said action.
Why this power seems cool: The ability to mimic anyone's action by simply watching him/her is a great way to gain new skills without actual work. This is the lazy man's way to super powers - even lazier than getting hit with a radioactive laboratory explosion (you have to go to a lab first, or be outside). You can become a championship acrobat, wrestler or mime simply by watching television. Now, your entire kung fu movie library can turn your fists into death scythes for those common instances when you enter choreographed battle sequences. Wow your dates with the techniques learned from a marathon of Rachel Ray when your cable went on the fritz. Shark the local pool hall with your shooting skills, then rob them with your shooting skills.
Why it might actually suck: This is the interactive portion of the article so you better be ready to move (or else!). Drop and give me 50, maggot! Okay, how many pushups were you able to do? 23? 16? -8? Now, how many pushups do you think Oscar de la Hoya can do? Lou Ferrigno? Oksana Biaul? This is the fundamental flaw in this power - you (probably) are unable to physically compete with those you mimic. Sure, you can probably copy a perfect form Fonzi Juke Box Strike or Origami Crane Fold Bonanza, but what happens when you need to perform feats such as Take a Punch or Dodge a Bullet?
Let's take this a step further. There's a musical instrument called a keyboard which is attached to Geddy Lee. You watch Geddy play the keyboard solo from Tom Sawyer, and now you can do it too! Awesome! Until you realize that you can only play the keyboard solo since you still don't have the ability to read music or know which notes correspond to which keys. Take that concert pianists!
Also, what happens when you mimic an error? Sure, holding a key down .0147 seconds longer than usual during a keyboard solo isn't apparent to tone-deaf, uneducated swine and drunks. But what happens when you mimic the awesome knee thrown by UFC Brock Lesnar only to realize that the finish severely wrenches your ankle? This raises the question as to whether you can unlearn what you mimic. If you can, great, watch another UFC match. If not, then you might just turn into a villain with the unique ability to dislocate every single joint in your body with every single punch.
So, even with your awesome mimic powers, you still need to become physically, mentally and educationally adept at whatever it is you want to do. So get cracking on those push-ups and books because, dammit, when the engine goes out on your stolen speedboat your mimicry won't teach you how to fix the motor.
Your rise and fall: You wake one morning and fire up the DVR copy of Boxing's Classic Fights. While munching on your Honey Coated Sugar Balls brand cereal your boss calls you and tells you not to come in today, or tomorrow, or, hell, anytime you "fired bastard (laughter)." You slam the receiver into its jack and punch the wall leaving a gaping hole and some damaged electrical work. Surprised, you notice that you performed a perfect replica of Mike Tyson's legendary flash uppercut from Punch-Out! You decide to go down to your job and tell your boss what you really think of his decision. To build your resolve you go into the local dive which is open at 8am because it's that type of dive bar. After slamming your Fuzzy Navel, a drunken biker slurs that you are in his chair, drags you outside, and wraps a chain around his fist. He swings and you expertly duck, bob, weave, and deliver a devastating hook/jab/haymaker combination which sends his drunken ass sprawling into the immaculate row of motorcycles. The bartender offers you a position as an underground cage boxer which you accept because the health benefits totally beat those offered by your ex-corporation.
You win your fights, absorbing the fighting styles of all those you study. By betting on yourself, you manage to acquire a substantial amount of cash which your irate bookie demands from you with a revolver. Feeling that you are ready for the big leagues you don a mask and walk into the nearest bank. You easily dispatch the two security guards and several customers with steel-fisted strikes. Bag-o-money™ in hand, you exit the bank where you find Captain Boston ready to stop you. Your amazing fighting skills give you the advantage as you counter and pummel your foe into an alley. You steal a car and drive to the airport where you knock a single engine Cessna's pilot unconscious. You strap in and prepare for take-off. Captain Boston chases you down the tarmac as you accelerate, confident in the knowledge that you watch a flight instructor perform these maneuvers successfully many times. With the plane in the air you laugh at your daring escape and picture Boston's Lamest Superhero shaking his fist at you in anger before you realize that the plane has no fuel. Frantically, you direct the plane toward the ground before realizing that you never saw how to land, at least not on a cow pasture. The instruments flippity-flop as your Cessna tumbles uncontrollably. Luckily for you, you are expelled from the wreckage to land in a pile of cow excrement. Before you get to your feet Captain Boston has struck you in the face with his famed Mass(achusetts) Kick. That's how it's done.
Rock Bottom: You realize that you still can't fly that plane.
Diamond in the Rough: By studying the greats, you become the most renowned birthday party clown/mime/magician ever - with the ability to delight and amaze children of all ages. And rob them.
Comments
For the record:
Captain Boston?
Only one good move, and no counters for it. A few Bruce Lee films ensured I could roll with one kick.
So, what I'm saying is: Captain Boston?
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Posted by: Taskmaster | August 22, 2009 7:50 PM