Over-Boasting

"The people of Eternia will see you kneel before me, JUST before you die!"
- Skeletor, Lord of Snake Mountain

All Supervillains boast. It's part of the package. Let's face it- being a Supervillain isn't about the cash- if we wanted cash we'd be evil investment bankers (otherwise known as... investment bankers). Being a Supervillain is about the power, the glory, the recognition, the rush. And nothing demonstrates power like rubbing your success right in someone else's face. You think people buy sports cars because of the performance? The look? The mileage? Ha! People buy sports cars so they can slap their metaphorical success cock right in a lesser cocked man's metaphorical face. The sleeker, more expensive and rarer the car, the bigger the phantom-achievement-penis. You know that mildly sick feeling you get when you see some scuzzy fucknut drive by in a car you couldn't even afford the wingmirror of? That's not envy, my friend, that's the nausea of having a huge invisible dick wapped across your face. Oh yeah.

Supervillain bragging is kinda like that only unlike your typical sport-car driver we really DO have gigantic wangs. Yes, even the girls.

And there's no bragging like the bragging right in front of your enemy, that's some good stuff. Just remember when getting into a fine boast: revealing details of plan is fine...

"Ha HA, Awesome-Man! You'll never stop my Liberalizer- soon all of the government will be ultra-liberal tree hugging apologists! Within days all prisoners will be freed and probably given little hats! Crime will be seen as society's fault! It will be chaos! And you, Mister Superhero, can do nothing to stop me!"

Up to a point...

"Nothing, I tell you!!! And all it would take is a sharp blow here, shattering the feminex crystal to totally disable the beam!! That's all!!!! One puny tap on this precise spot would scupper my plans utterly, Awesome-Man, utterly! But you'll never get the... hey! Where'd you... Aw nurts."

This second bit happens more than you might think. Rein it in, people. Rein it in.

Oh; and as I've said before : never make specific threats against a hero's wife/girlfriend etc- they will immediately become 200% stronger and 456% more pissed off...

Crappy Minions

"You have failed me yet again, Starscream!"
- Megatron, Leader of the Decepticons

Minions. Can't live with 'em, can't clean up the bionic-tiger cage without 'em. Given that many, one might even say most, of a supervillains underlings seem to be about as useful as a one sheet of toilet paper at a scat party I often get asked- why don't you Supervillain's employ better lackies?

Well for a start fantastically loyal grunts tend not to be the smartest. If you want someone to charge at a guy who he has just witnessed smashing through a wall and pulverising thirty of his colleagues he's probably not the sharpest scalpel in the abortion clinic. Sure they look good, and I'm sure they'll be able to march in unison and snap out impressive salutes whilst praising your name. But have you even seen a Powerpoint presentation done by a 100% loyal evil-solider? Just pages and pages of photos of you with "ME LIKEY!" underneath them. Flattering but sad.

So, forming a human wall between you and Captain America : good.

Carrying out precision plans which require wit and inventiveness: not so much.

"But," Mr Fly Monkey, you might say, getting my name wrong and earning a beating, "Just hire smarter people. Surely!" Hmmm, sounds easy doesn't it- but the smarter your employees are the exponentially less reliable they are. They might not just start questioning the wisdom of tussling with a chap secure enough in his power and genitalia to wear tights on a daily basis, they might also start questioning you.

Thug #62 might not be able to hit the broad side of a barn with a paintball gun but at least he'll reliably not hit the broad side of a barn with a paintball gun. Half-way bright goon #6 might decide he hasn't got a hope in hell of damaging the barn and run the fuck away. And with your proper intelligent lackey #1 (particularly if you let them have an actual name) there's always the possibility that he didn't hit the barn deliberately so that the barn could come beat you up and drag you away* leaving the lackey in a position to take over!! Damn you, lackey #1. Damn you.

(*the metaphor breaks down at this point somewhat. Unless you are fighting Barn-Man.)

Fickle Hot Girls

"The mechanism is... Oh James, James... Will you make love to me all the time in England ?"
- Tatiana Romanova, bint

"Day and night. Go on about the mechanism." - James Bond, 007

And when your own powercrazed number 2's* aren't actively betraying you, your luscious arm candy is making off with your arch enemy!

(*I am too classy to make a joke here)

Why does this happen? Why do we Supervillains employ lasses who will have their heads turned by the first do-gooder to flash them a smile?

Two reasons: firstly that truly evil attractive women don't NEED to bimbo around with some skull-faced lunatic in a cape. The world already belongs to them. (The world and the tattered remains of my heart. Damn you, girlfriend #2. Damn you.)

The second reason is there's something really sexy about a cute girl being appalled by the sheer evil of your actions... and still staying with you anyway. THAT is power, baby. But you can go too far- Yes, I bet Lex Luthor had an erection hard enough to fuck a tank when he casually informed Miss Teschmacher that he didn't actually give one single shit about her mother being at ground zero of his missile. However we all know how that turned out.

Treat them at least a little bit nice. Don't deliberately blow up their Moms. And for God's sake don't leave them alone with the spy...

Underestimating Their Friends

"A slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure!"
- Spike, aka William the Bloody

Unlike your typical supervillain, who goes more for underlings and lickspittles than actual friends superheroes LOVE palling around. Particularly the one's who like to project the "dark, dangerous loner" thing. Puh-lease. The Punisher has had more double-teams than Jenna Jameson, Batman has gone through more side-kicks than a karate class and as for Wolverine- that "loner" whores himself to every Superteam with a membership card (He was even in the Fantastic Four once, ferfucksake). PLUS he's always 'mentoring' some jailbait Superette. The best at what you do? If what you do is prey on teenage tail, maybe. (Though that ISN'T very nice, I suppose...) And I'M the bad guy here? Geez.

Anyway just assume that where there's one goody-goody, there's loads. The Superhero may not even know. They may have 'expressly forbidden' (Yeah right; "I can't let you follow me to the hideout at 207 Lakeside Drive , it's too dangerous! No, no, two oh SEVEN LakeSIDE drive...") their chums to come along but you can bet your bottom dollar that one of the little twerps has snuck along to free the good guy at the last minute.

And never say "Who will save you NOW??? "Because you can bet your ass that the Ultimate Justice Brigade or whoever have been waiting behind a wall for 10 bastard minutes JUST for you to say something like that. You think it's co-incidence that they arrive on entrance lines like that? They LIVE for that shit.

Hero Ex Machina

"Where does he get those wonderful toys?"
- The Joker, the Clown Prince of Crime

This one isn't even really a blunder. When the hero's irritating friends turn up at the nick of time you can at least kick yourself that perhaps you shouldn't have had ALL the guards witnessing your ascension and ALL facing the one way allowing, oooh I dunno, let's say some unpowered dweebs to sneak past and free your unguarded nemesis. Say.

However a Hero Ex Machina "blunder" is when you get foiled by the hero pulling a power/gadget out of his ass THAT YOU HAD NO IDEA WAS THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Underestimating a hero is one thing- look, if you trap Aquaman in your drowning tank you have no one to blame but yourself when he gets out and summons sturgeons to whup your ass. But when Superheroes "focus" their powers to do something entirely new, pull out never before seen Bat-Shark-Repellent style gadget or reveal the likes of;

"I've developed an immunity to iocanne powder!"
- Wesley, the Dread Pirate Roberts

...you want to scream "Come on??!!! Seriously??!! That's bullshit!!!" Though admittedly in the above example Wesley a) Was kinda a villain himself b) Set the game and c) Is unfathomably cool.

However in most cases it's totally unfair and just makes you want to weep. You beat the guy, suck out his eye, hospitalise his ass only to have him randomly develop crappy bone-claw-spur-stinger things to stab you with. Je-sus.
You beat the guy, kill his girlfriend's ass only for him to go back in time to stop you. Honestly.
You get the guy, pump him full of bullets, kill his ass only to have him spontaneously become an indestructible virtual-reality messiah.
Fucksake.

Superheroes, man. They just don't play fair.