WARNING: The following video is, in fact, nearly fifteen minutes long. Proceed with extreme caution.
0:04:
King Oblivion, Ph.D.: You know what runs beneath the street? A sewer. Your label is a sewer.
0:06:
KOPhD: Since when has a bunch of smelly guys with paint on their faces paying way too much for undercooked hot dogs been "controversial?"
0:09:
Doktor Puppykicker: "Family Reunion?"
0:12:
Dr. P: Some would argue that the Juggalos aren't "misunderstood" so much as they "defy human understanding."
0:16:
KOPhD: They've been doing this for ten years and have yet to come up with a better name than "The Gathering of the Juggalos?" Something like "Juggalobilteration?" "Juggalo Jamboree?" "Juggablow-up?"
Dr. P: The fact that this has been going on for ten years without once being disrupted by a natural disaster strikes me as overwhelming proof of the nonexistence of God.
0:18:
Dr. P: With a name like Cave in Rock, how could this town be anything other than a hub of musical activity?
0:25:
Dr. P: I don't know about those other things, but it's hard to take issue with "badder."
KOPhD: I like how the guy asks if it's possible for something to be both "badder" and "better." Because it isn't.
0:37:
Dr. P: There is nothing that I can possibly add to that to make it funnier.
KOPhD: It's like they were revising the first draft of the script for this and said, "Why aren't there more unnecessary 'fucks?' And more instances of insulting our fans?"
0:40:
Dr. P: "Free Camping?" I wholeheartedly endorse anything that increases the odds of Juggalos being mauled by bears.
0:45 - 1:27:
Dr. P: Juggalofest is truly the most Magical Place on Earth™. And to think that it all started when a young Walt Disney bought an orange grove in Cave in Rock and said, "and here's where we'll keep the Juggalos."
Also: "On the phone?" Did Violent J's many prior commitments prevent him from gracing this infomercial with his presence?
KOPhD: He was busy working on his global warming research and repeating himself a lot.
Also also: THE HOLY LAND OF MECCA.
1:34:
Dr. P: Upon seeing what future generations had done to his home state, The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln wondered if that whole "saving the country" thing was worth it after all.
KOPhD: ...but then he saw that badass bonfire, and was all like, "Hellz yeah, y'all!"
1:47:
Dr. P: Subliminal Fred Durst wants you to know that he is "FRESH."
1:55:
KOPhD: It's like they purposely made the previous few seconds nauseating just so this instance of incredibly unsexy censored nudity has its maximum impact.
2:01:
KOPhD: Wait. I could get hit in the head with a giant wooden pizza spatula? Sign me up!
2:10:
Dr. P: Oh hey, thanks for showing your logo again! I had totally forgotten what product or service this was advertising!
2:19:
Dr. P: Gah! What the hell?
2:30:
Dr. P: Did they find these presenters on a street corner or something? Also: WOOP WOOP.
KOPhD: Sugar Slam's just trying to parlay this into a Woody Allen movie role. That throw to the DJ dude with "motherfuckin..." was just her showing her chops.
2:46:
Dr. P: "Ninjas?"
2:59:
Dr. P: Wow, Evil Dead AND Twiztid will be there? Damn, I'm dropping the $150 plus expenses right now!
KOPhD: I was hesitant. But then I heard that Evil Dead will be kickin' the Faygo and Twiztid will be killin' it, and I was won over.
3:24:
Dr. P: Are... are these all the same band?
KOPhD: No, but ICP has very strict requirements for their label. If your group's name doesn't shake violently, you're not in.
3:35:
Dr. P: Dark Lotus only performs on "special and rare occasions?" I have a feeling that most of this article will just be quotes from the video followed by a question mark.
3:50:
Dr. P: "I just try to relax and do my best?" That doesn't seem like a particularly Juggaloian sentiment there.
3:57:
KOPhD: "This is like the Grammies for these boys!" So, they won't win any awards? Good to know.
4:00:
Dr. P: Wait a minute: An overly enthusiastic, pigtailed blonde inexplicably enamored with a group of psychopathic clowns? Guys, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm pretty sure that Sugar Slam is actually Harley Quinn.
KOPhD: Her real name is Dr. Suglene Slamzel.
4:05:
KOPhD: Apparently the Axe Murder Boyz' music consists of them just standing around and trying limply to look tough while not rapping.
4:19:
Dr. P: You know, if they really wanted to throw us all for a loop, they'd toss in something here like, "And special Juggalo guest of honor, composer Stephen Sondheim! The ICP are all noted fans of the Broadway legend's body of work, and Violent J himself still cries openly at the end Sunday in the Park With George."
4:30:
Dr. P: RYYYYYYDDDDDAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!
KOPhD: Dr. Slamzel was a little late coming in there. And her "can't wait for that" was pretty weak. Some momentary remorse, perhaps.
4:39:
KOPhD: This awkward pause is the most accurate prediction in the video so far of what real male/female interactions at the Gathering will really be like.
5:00:
Dr. P: Nice try, Ice Cube, but you still haven't done anything more embarrassing than appearing in "Are We There Yet?"
King O: Not so fast there, Puppykicker. He was also in "Are We Done Yet?"
5:25:
Dr. P: So judging from this footage, GWAR is a band that consists of the Devil, a gimp humping a Sid and Marty Krofft puppet, and ROM Spaceknight.
Clearly this is the greatest band ever.
5:34:
KOPhD: A group of all white guys whose initials are all K's. Truly, this is a post-racial society.
5:40:
KOPhD: Even the DJ presenter guy is surprised to see Coolio. And, to add insult to injury, they couldn't find a more recent video than the one from that Michelle Pfeiffer movie from 1995.
Dr. P: Yeah, when I think "underground music festival" I think about the guy who sang the theme song to Keenan and Kel.
5:46:
Dr. P: Mushroomhead? THE Mushroomhead? NO WAY!!!
5:51:
Dr. P: Is that a Monty Python reference in your music video? Well aren't you a beautiful and unique snowflake?
5:58:
Dr. P: Calling yourself "Scarface" is the rapper equivalent of playing "Born in the USA" at a presidential campaign rally. MISSING THE POINT.
6:13:
Dr. P: I love how all these obscure, crappy metal bands excite the hosts beyond belief, yet even they can't pretend to care about Vanilla Ice.
KOPhD: That very unenthused "...Ice" is great.
6:37:
KOPhD: I'm pretty sure I've been to that bar.
Dr. P: Haystak is the saddest thing.
6:44:
KOPhD: I'm genuinely baffled about MC Chris being at this. Or how he could have just been added now, as I'm watching this video.
6:53:
KOPhD: Paradime looks like somebody spray-painted stubble onto a giant Down syndrome baby.
7:00:
KOPhD: THANKS FOR THE LOGO AGAIN
7:15:
Dr. P: OVER 120 MUSICAL ACTS FOUR OF WHICH WILL BE EVEN REMOTELY LISTENABLE
7:39:
Dr. P: "Expect the Unexpected?" You just told me that I would receive a program telling me exactly what to expect.
7:57:
KOPhD: Helicopter. Rides. Crazy ones.
8:06:
Dr. P: This still frame is like a lost Norman Rockwell painting.
8:10:
Dr. P: Inflatable games are a selling point? I think most Juggalos are made to wear enough padded gear as it is.
KOPhD: And they have sex with inflatable girls. It's nothing new to them.
8:18:
Dr. P: This is actually pretty much what Michael Eisner wanted to turn Disneyland into.
8:29:
Dr. P: Dudes on stilts you say? What new freshness is this?
8:35
KOPhD: It has to be funny! Didn't you hear the announcer's incredibly creepy forced laugh?
8:43:
Dr. P: Hearing that Pauly Shore would be at this thing made me laugh. I'm pretty sure that this is the first time that Pauly Shore has ever made anyone laugh.
8:45:
Dr. P: ROWDY RODDY NO!
8:51:
KOPhD: I wonder if Jimmy Walker and Pauly Shore knew that the promoters were going to be encouraging attendees to heckle them. My guess is they probably did. I mean, attention is attention.
8:55:
Dr. P: I for one am not okay with anything that encourages Juggalos to expose themselves.
KOPhD: At least they're keeping their faces covered.
9:06:
Dr. P: I like how Harley just says "The Neden Game" as though we're supposed to have any idea as to what that might be.
9:21:
KOPhD: Putting that many mouth-breathers around a giant bonfire? Great idea, organizers.
9:24:
Dr. P: "Magicians and hypnotists walking around that bitch." No comment.
9:30:
Dr. P: I'm pretty sure that "Shaggy 2 Dope" was the name of the band I formed in elementary school.
9:36:
KOPhD: If it's not really a battle, then why'd you just call it a battle? I think this was just an excuse to assault me with more seizure-inducing fonts.
9:48:
Dr. P: Boy, nothing screams hardcore quite like "working off his laptop."
10:11:
KOPhD: I actually find it pretty commendable that they managed to come up with such an unwieldy name for a cookout.
Dr. P: ATTENTION: DO NOT ACCEPT FOOD FROM THIS MAN. HE IS NOT A LEGITIMATE FOOD SERVICES PROFESSIONAL.
11:04:
Dr. P: "GRUESOME BLOODY DEATHMATCHES."
11:17:
Dr. P: "Some of the most bizarre people in the world." No actually, I think that those would be the people in the stands.
KOPhD: I think it's worthwhile to note that they included midgets, ladies and oddities in the same category.
11:28:
Dr. P: I love how Insane Clown Posse gets second billing at their own event.
KOPhD: Corporal Robinson's a pretty big deal.
11:34:
Dr. P: ROWDY RODDY NOOOOOOOOO!
11:37:
Dr. P: "Juggalo favorite Sabu." That's the kind of thing they put on your tombstone.
11:42:
KOPhD: Oh, so that's what happened to every shitty WCW wrestler. Thanks.
11:58:
Dr. P: How loathsome do you have to be to gain the undying contempt of a spokesperson for the Juggalo community?
12:01:
Dr. P: Your browser may not support display of this image.
12:35:
Dr. P: Somehow I don't think that "seminars" are a big selling point with this crowd.
KOPhD: "Breathing Heavily: Why You Should Never Stop." Saturday, 2 p.m.
12:52:
Dr. P: That may be the first time anyone has used the phrase "circus food" in a non-derisive manner.
12:55:
Dr. P: Really Harley? You truly, earnestly believe that there is something for everybody at this event? Really?
13:04:
Dr. P: So you really believe that Juggalos bathe, huh? That's cute.
KOPhD: I love how they're advertising showers like they're not something somebody would expect at a place where they're staying for a full weekend.
13:07:
KOPhD: Cold water? And first aid? It is like Mecca!
13:23:
Dr. P: So, don't expect a good time then? Sounds about right.
13:34:
KOPhD: Woop woop indeed.
13:45:
Dr. P: Thank you for the intimate look at Juggalo courtship there.
13:50:
Dr. P: "THOUSANDS OF FAMILY MEMBERS AROUND YOU... AND THERE'S A LOT OF SEX IN THE AIR TOO!"
Think about that sentence for a moment.
14:01:
KOPhD: Unless you've grown balls, you can't get in. And they check.
14:11:
Dr. P: Well said Juggalo Don LaFontaine. Well said.
KOPhD: I just wish they would have shown a logo or said the title of the event or something. That would have helped.
Comments
Because when I go to a music festival, I want to see all of my family member there having sex with one another. This is, by far, the most ridiculous / hilarious video post I've ever seen on here.
Now, is there a chance you can put your supervillain malicious intents towards these people and say, knock them off the face of the earth?
um, but can you leave the crazy helicopter rides alone? 'cause they look bad-ass.
Posted by: francesca caccini | August 4, 2009 1:14 PM
Good God. I watched the whole thing.
I don't think the human brain was meant to take that in one sitting.
If I still believed in souls, i'm pretty sure mine would ache.
Posted by: WarpedElements | August 4, 2009 5:34 PM
Ah, Coolio and Ice Cube at least a decade after they were relevant. That's who I wanna see.
Posted by: bg | August 4, 2009 7:08 PM