Train Your Pokemon the ISS Way, Part 1

by Villainous Godot

pokemon.jpg

You thought they had gone away, but you're wrong. There are two brand new Pokemon games coming out in just a few short months. Which means you'd better get your shit together.

Now, most people go around loving and respecting their Pokeymanz. Well, screw that. We supervillains have to uphold certain standards when it comes to training out Pokeymanz. The six Pokeyballz of advice in this guide (three in this part, three in the next) should provide a brief overview in order for you to become the most sinister Pokeytrainer the Pokeyworld has ever seen.

Pokeyball 1: Starting Out

Your journey begins when you are given your first Pokeymaz as a bribe to get you to leave town. This is perfectly acceptable as you will now be authorized to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting world under the guise of "Pokeyresearch." Go to whatever Professor or Pokeyexpert there is and demand a Pokeymanz. Often, they will acquiesce and give you one of three choices. Whichever one you choose is up to you.

Tip 1: The starter Pokeymanz is a rare Pokeymanz and can be used to lure Pokeytrainers into your clutches with the promise of a trade.

Once you have your Pokeymanz it's time to hit the road, which will probably be the only one out of town. Before you go, however, make sure you remember your Glock 9mm pistol and/or a crowbar. The Pokeymanz in these beginner's areas are often weak and, more beneficial, small and this allows you to gain significant experience gunning down and bludgeoning the creatures. This practice now will be more helpful later on when your opponents can do much more than just Tackle.

Tip 2: Marksmanship training here will allow you to shoot Pidgey out of the air and will invariably give you the skills necessary to shoot other quick and/or flying Pokeymanz.

Eventually, you will get to the next town and you may or may not meet another Pokeytrainer who wants to Pokeybattle (see Pokeyball 5). In any case, once in the town, rob the Pokeymart and stock up on all the supplies you need.

Tip 3: Rob the Pokeymart after healing in the Pokeycenter so you can hightail it out of town before the Pokeypolice show up.

Pokeyball 2: Be Prepared

This isn't just a song from The Lion King or the motto of the Boy Scouts, this is what will either make or break you as an evil Pokeytrainer. The most successful evil Pokeytrainers neither simply wander around with an empty assault rifle magazine nor do they forget to stock up on Pokeyballz.

Tip 4: Running out of Pokeyballz is a waste of perfectly good ammunition.

What follows is a list of objects and weapons which will invariably assist you in your quest for Pokeymasterdom.

  • Crowbar: A crowbar is used as a bludgeoning device and can help you pry open any objects that you see or that are in fellow Pokeytrainers' hands.
  • Glock 9mm: This will be your standard weapon for Pokeymanz hunting. Being small, compact and easy to conceal, you should have little trouble landing your first Pokeymanz or "buying" supplies.
  • Shotgun: Sometimes you'll need more power, especially when a mammoth Pokeymanz is hot on your tail. A shotgun with suitable shot (spread for flying and/or small targets; slugs for heavy foes) will keep you ahead of the game.
  • AK-47 Assault Rifle: This Russian classic has the range and power to hunt Pokeymanz at suitable distances as well as allowing you to commandeer any boats/trains/etc. that you may come across and it works as a great persuasion device to get you into areas even though you may be lacking a keycard or Pokeybadge.
  • Night Vision Goggles: Nothing beats these when hunting Pokeymanz at night or in a cave. Plus, you'll have the advantage over any trainer who decides to walk into a cave without the technique Flash. Mug them at your leisure.
  • Thermal Goggles: Some Pokeymanz are hard to see in tall grass/woods/etc., especially the rare ones, and these goggles will allow you to pick up their heat signature making capture all the more easy. This also works on sneaky ninja Pokeytrainers.
  • AWM or Similarly High-Powered Sniper Rifle: This is for the times when you don't want to risk getting up close and personal with a Pokeymanz or Pokeytrainer and would rather do business at a distance of one mile.
  • Grenades: We'll get into these later.
  • Vise: Pokeyballz burst open when the Pokeymanz try to flee, so quickly get the Pokeyballz into the vise and wait until the Pokeymanz submit to your will.
  • Pokeyballz: You can't catch Pokeymanz without them. Always have a supply of your own in case other Pokeytrainers don't have any to "give" you.

Tip 5: Remember to carry as much lightweight gear as you can since you will be hiking great distances and remember to have enough storage space for all your items.

Also include any other supplies such as batteries and ammunition which will keep your gear ready for action whenever it arises.

Pokeyball 3: Catching Pokeymanz

If you have the ten items listed above, catching Pokeymanz should be no problem for a Pokeymaster of Evil Pokeytrainer such as yourself. Simply find a suitable Pokeymanz and shoot it/hit it with a crowbar until it is weak enough to be captured. Then, toss a Pokeyball, vise it, and gloat over your new Pokeyslave.

Tip 6: Avoid killing or permanently disfiguring the Pokeymanz you will use as weapons. Doing so will lower their combat efficiency.

Once your severely wounded companion is secured in a Pokeyball, take it to the Pokeycenter where the bullet will be removed/blunt trauma will be cured and your Pokeymanz will be brought back to full health, usually in under 10 seconds! This shoot/club then catch method is more efficient than the standard Pokeybattlez and you will wind up with more than your fair share of rare Pokeymanz.

Tip 7: Don't kill/wound more Pokeymanz than you need/are in your way. It can be difficult to get Pokeyblood out of your clothes in the middle of a forest and Pokeytrainers won't be as willing to talk to you if you're covered in Pokeygore.

For more powerful Pokeymanz, later in your journey, you'll need to use more tactics than simply walking up to the creature and bashing its skull. Instead, choose the correct weapon and distance to engage and do so. While many Pokeymanz are generally harmless to people, once you start damaging them, they may become a threat. Even minor bruises/burns/etc. can slow you down. The worst case scenario here is if your actions cause a Pokeyswarm to attack you. Unless you are well stocked in grenades or are an excellent marksman, you can quickly become overrun and severely injured. While one Pikachu may be cute, cuddly and waiting for a bullet, a herd can cause significant electrical burns and can put you out of the game long enough for the Pokeypolice to catch up.

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Comments

Can't stop laughing. Dr Pepper is welling up in my nose and I'm scared!

Ah, this article brings back fond memories for me. You see, I got my start in evil as a member of the notorious Team Rocket organization--the Johto devision, specifically.

I later quit because we never did anything more heinous than try to get fossils out of a mountain--they called it stealing, except no one owned the fossils in the first place--and force a lake full of magikarp to evolve. So I quit, and went and errupted a volcano overlooking a town full of innocents.

Ah, good times...

Ah, the Freeman method of extra-normal biological entity pacification.

A classic.

What? Crowbars?! Those damned kids never mentioned crowbars!

*runs off to jump on the Pokeymanz bandwagon before it's too late*

I'm gonna bag me a Bulbasaur!

u suck

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