Super-sized Profiles in Superpowers That Seem Good But Might Actually Suck: The Mandarin

by Villainous Godot

mandarin.jpgSubject's name: Uses various aliases

Subject's powers: The Mandarin has a set of 10 rings which give him various abilities including energy and elemental blasts of a variety of types and some mental powers.

Why this power seems good: Having this set of rings gives you quite a few powers, not just one or two, and these powers are pretty damned functional. You can burn a forest (because the owls are keeping you awake), freeze some lemonade (or the lake) and engulf an area in darkness. And that's only three rings. You still have 7 more with which to experiment! Plus, you're packing some serious bling.

Why it might actually suck: Rings. Everything comes back to the rings. Sonic the Hedgehog collected them and needed them to keep him alive. And so do you. Having a matching set of 10 rings will instill some collector paranoia in you. Have you ever bought 25 different cereal boxes to collect all the prizes within? Sure you have. Now try doing the same thing except with 10 priceless antiques of power. You might be lucky enough to find one in a flea market and another on a buried corpse. But what happens when one of your rings winds up in the museum? Breaking in won't be all that tricky but your theft will undoubtedly alert the heroes that you're back in the game. And that's a bad thing since a villain wants as much time as possible in obscurity before he/she unveils his master plan.

Also, 10 rings can be a hassle to wear and since your rings can do stuff there's even more to worry about. Let's say that you have a hot date but you forgot to set your alarm and you woke up late. In a rush you don your rings. At the restaurant you want to increase your chances of getting some action by using the mental manipulation ring on her. To your annoyance your date disintegrates instead of agreeing that Eddie Brock is much better than Mac Gargan. The lesson here is that if your don't pay attention to which rings you place on which fingers you might just be in for a surprise when you use the power. You might just try to set Mr. Veryhot on even more fire or create a patch of ice under your feet. This might not be so bad when you're threatening your henchmen, but with the Hero Squad punching through your azaleas using the wrong ring could get you punched, hard.

Furthermore, there is a learning curve to your rings. Let's say you manage to get your rings on correctly (because you've been practicing) and you decide to train a little bit before killing the Hero Squad. You have 10 different powers with, potentially, many effects within each power to master and many different situations where each power is applicable. So unless you spend some (and by "some" we mean "quit your day job") quality time with your rings you might just turn an entire bank into ice rather than just the safe. Or, hey, you could just not practice and wing it. You have 10 powers to fall back on, right? That sounds like a good idea until you look at the number of villains who couldn't even get their ONE power down.

Your rise and fall: When your elderly Chinese neighbor died his family set up a yard sale. You investigate to see if there are some finger traps you can buy and maybe steal those dragon cufflinks he always wore. While browsing the selection you come across a box of 10 rings. You ask his daughter for the price of the rings. She says that they are not for sale so you instead ask his 5 year old grandson who trades the rings for a stick of gum and a bug you find on the ground.

After getting home you stand in front of the mirror and try on the rings. You strike your best Planeteer pose and yell "Fire!" Sure enough a beam of fire shoots from your ring and sets your couch aflame After putting out your furniture you decide to try out the rings in a more vacant setting - the mall. You enter the mall by burning through the night locks and head straight for the jewelry stores (taking a quick stop at Gamestop to see if your game is in - it's not) and start filling a backpack with some sparkly valuables. Along the way you try out the rest of your rings leaving a series of fires, disintegrated plants and molecularly rearranged mannequins in your wake.

However, The Mallsketeer followed the silent alarm to your crime spree. He draws his rapier and tries a quick thrust which you dodge though you drop your Bag-o-lootâ„¢. You counter by blinding him with a light ray and follow that up by using a wind vortex to lift him over the second story ledge, but he grabs onto the guardrail. As you struggle with him you fail to notice his sentient Segway which slams into you from behind. As you turn to blast the scooter into rubbish, The Malsketeer leaps over the guardrail and jabs the tip of his rapier into your hand. You howl in pain and cause the rings on that hand to activate. Luckily for you, you do manage to severely wound the scooter but, in your outburst, you accidentally blast yourself in the face with a concussion beam. You awaken in a holding cell and read a newspaper article saying that The Mallsketeer has donated your rings to the ancient Chinese exhibit in City Museum. Damn.

Rock Bottom: You lose an Ebay auction for a rare "decoder" ring to an 8 year old with his mother's credit card.

Diamond in the Rough: You become a world class plumber after losing your rings down the drain for the forty-second time. That's progress.

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