by Doktor Maxwell von Puppykicker the Third
In the aftermath of the recent arrest of Roman Polanski for his drugging and raping of a thirteen year old girl, many prominent filmmakers, celebrities, and social justice advocates have banded together in support of a petition devoted to helping to keep women safe from sexual predators so that horrible incidents such as these will never happen again.
Ha ha! No we're only joking. Actually, the petition is a plea to free the convicted pedophile rapist who evaded justice for thirty years. Boy, you should have seen the look on your face!
Speaking both personally and on behalf of the Villain High Council, I am appalled by the blatant double standard on display here. Polanski violates a minor and evades justice for decades and still gets acclaim from the international filmmaking community. Yet I unleash just one Giant Sharktopus on the Eastern Seaboard and suddenly Jodie Foster won't return my calls. No justice at all.
Anyway, among the notable signatories are:
Guillermo del Toro
Apparently, the man who directed Pan's Labyrinth is incapable of sympathizing with a young girl who is victimized by a creepy old man. Interesting.
David Lynch
Man, of all the prominent directors to do something seemingly inexplicable and yet profoundly unsettling, Lynch is probably the last one I'd peg.
Asia Argento
Surely the signature of the woman who played a zombie-fighting hooker in Land of the Dead will help enact profound changes to international law!
Monica Bellucci
The chick in the corset from the Matrix sequels? It's kind of weird thinking of her as a person with like, actual opinions and stuff.
Penélope Cruz
Really? Note to self: attending rallies in defense of pedophile rapists is apparently a great way to meet total hotties.
Brett Ratner
Boy I hope that his signing off on this bizarre and morally abhorrent petition doesn't prevent people from enjoying Brett Ratner's many artistically and culturally significant works such as.
Woody Allen
Look, you probably already know what the punchline to any possible joke I could put here would be. Let's just move on.
Wes Anderson
Well, to be fair to Wes here, he may have just gotten confused and thought that "rich elderly man becomes sexually entangled with a worldly thirteen year old girl" was the premise for a quirky indie comedy that he was signing off on.
Tilda Swinton
Not gonna lie here: This list is doing serious damage to my "celebrities I regularly masturbate to pictures of" list.
Martin Scorsese
See what I mean? Serious damage.
Terry Gilliam
Yeah, this one is so fucked up to me that I don't even have a pithy one-liner at the ready here. Sorry.
Comments
You sound like a PG13 christian cartoon villain.
If you're going to whine about how evil you think Polanski is and how bad it is that celebrities are vouching for him,I'd recommend posting in a site that doesn't invokes acts and glorification of villainy,or at least change the name of this site to "The American national society of whining Hillary Clinton wannabes"
Posted by: Random | October 6, 2009 7:26 PM
PG-13 Christian cartoons? Is that even a type of thing?
Also, I like how you think I automatically have to be a radical liberal because I think that raping girls is bad.
Posted by: Doktor Puppykicker | October 6, 2009 7:46 PM
Now, let's be fair to Mister Polanski here. It's not like he raped thirteen year old girls after getting them drunk a bunch of times. He only did it the one time that we know of. And come on, it's not like she was twelve or something. Thirteen is practically legal anyway. And he even gave her a chance to reject his advances! Sure, he reportedly ignored her when she said no, but she was drunk. She probably didn't know what she was saying.
The sharktopus, on the other hand, was clearly capable of attacking several cities that didn't have a chance to object. And that's just too weird for Ms Foster to be expected to deal with.
Posted by: Spleeny | October 6, 2009 8:03 PM
On the other hand, the Sharktopus accepted its punishment like a man and/or unholy monster of science rather than running like a coward.
Posted by: Tyranosaurus Tex! | October 6, 2009 9:18 PM
Wait... so the reason my films haven't been winning awards is because I haven't raped any young girls? Damn it! I told them this would happen!
On a side note, there really is no evil quite like Hollywood evil, is there?
Posted by: Gal Sabre | October 6, 2009 10:14 PM
Puppykicker, Looks like he's using HC as an example of being a cranky fat ass blood-and-sand clogged vagina of a bad guy (read: harmless and mundane) instead of a "villain".
See, this is what's so goddamned tragic about the site but especially YOU, Puppykicker. Here you are, the writer with hands down the most badass hysterical moniker in AGES and you're doing a stereotypical humor piece about a shitty pretentious director who raped a girl.
But the thing is, this is still funny! Puppykicker, you're a decent comedian. But goddammit, dude, you're not living up to this site's reputation. This would've been ten times funnier if you had approached it from the point of SATIRE and raved about how RP and the Hollywood elite dicksucks are being evil and retarded, because then the humor would lay in your tongue-in-cheek support. Instead, you give us a run of the mill humorous criticism. That's all well and good, but it's not cut out for the nature of this site.
You need to unfuck yourself, Dok.
Posted by: LEANDER | October 7, 2009 12:43 AM
Thank you for telling me, someone who has written articles for this particular website for about two years, what kind of articles this website does and does not publish.
Posted by: Doktor Puppykicker | October 7, 2009 12:53 AM
Read an interesting article in the NY Times by the guy who wrote "A History of Violence" that pretty much points out that those 10 names are the only "Hollywood" names on the list. The vast majority of media outlets have exaggerated the Hollywood factor of that petition. He points out that most names on it are French, and then Spanish (where the age of consent is 13 woohoo!). Just something I thought I'd point out.
Also, Terry Gilliam WTF!
Posted by: Atomjack Smash! | October 8, 2009 5:56 AM
Wow. Some people just don't get the distinction between Evil and Wrong anymore. I can't think of a single member of any of the evil brotherhoods I am affiliated with who would condone the raping of children.
ok, so maybe Phecorosin, of the Chatoic Allegience of Slaughter, but he advocates raping EVERYTHING. (word is he was kicked out of the Sinister Wicked Anarchists Collective for flubbing an operation because he was trying to rape a spatchula)
Posted by: Jerricar Toombler | October 12, 2009 7:54 AM