The kits will let you summon all the demons you want, but, when you have to pay a sacrificed goat for a cup of coffee, you begin to realize the skewed economics involved. As such, we, in an altruistic (seriously, pay up) gesture, present how to slay a demon in twelve easy-to-follow Necronomicons.
Necronomicon 1: Get a Demon
If you are reading this article because of a Google search, congratulations, you already have a demon of which you wish to rid yourself. If you don't have a demon, then summon one (with one of the aforementioned kits) and let's get to work.
Necronomicon 2: Set Up a Video Camera
Demons, like hard-partying celebrities, like to be filmed. This has the dual purpose of monitoring the demon's activities while providing evidence to show your colleagues that you aren't "
Necronomicon 3: Analyze The Data
Once you have your data collected and have charted the demon-related events (usually this will take about a week) it's time to take a look at the data. While you examine your information, take into account the nights when you were so drunk you fell asleep inside the fireplace after lighting your bed on fire and things that can be explained via an open window, burglar, or cat.
Note: A gun will take care of a burglar AND a cat, so purchase one now, and leave it (safety off for quick-draw action) under your pillow.
Assuming that the instances are not related to burglars or cats (which should be dead by now if you've followed the guide) then, congratulations!, you have a full-fledged demon in your house. Now, you may take the time to reminisce about possible events in which you may have summoned a demon. Take into account pretty much everything about the situation. Hell, you may have inadvertently summoned a demon when you ordered a McDonald's breakfast after dismembering a chicken or you might have opened a gate to Hell while mispronouncing the ingredients list on your latest can of cheese. Write down all plausible events and subsequent demonic happenings. You'll be needing this later.
Necronomicon 4: Summon a Demonologist
Remember that event data and personal case file that you collected and wrote? Well, look in the yellow pages under "Demonology" to find a state licensed demonologist. Give him a call and bring him into your lair. Give him your data and file to look over and see what he has to say. Make sure to tape record him so that you can have an audio file with which to remember his advice. Many demon exterminations ultimately fail because of the lack of procedural adherence. Now, that you have that information from the demonologist, waylay him and chain him in the basement so that you have a reliable witness to the demon's activities and a suitable bait as insurance if the demon decides to become more aggressive.
Note: If you, like us, have access to, and use, supervillain demonologists, then skip that last step. These demonologists HAVE supernatural abilities AND can commune with AND summon demons. Even if you are absolutely certain that you are correct in your thinking that the crazy beautiful gothic demonologist you hired out of the supervillain yellow pages will drop her pants at your light (heavy) BSDM fetish play, then you might just wander into the delightful sounds of mewling kittens being ground into paste by a series of mortar-and-pestle-wielding, egregiously cackling harpies in what was once your kitchen but, now, offers a Lovecraftian glimpse into the nether-regions of insanity while serpentine shackles entwine around your ankles and the searing kiss of a succubus's acidic tongue laps you into the depths of Hell itself when you go to get your morning coffee. Or, hey, you might just get lucky.
Necronomicon 5: Discard All Previous Advice
In the event that you didn't get your kink on with the demonologist and that you didn't find Old Man MacGregor dressed in a 1950s ghost costume guarding the entrance to a mineshaft in your basement, then you can reasonably assume that, congratulations!, you are being stalked by a demon. All that data collecting that you went through? That was just to see if you did, in fact, have a cat. Now that you've wasted time, throw out all that unnecessary data. It's time to kick some demon ass!
Note: You didn't release the demonologist did you? You did? You're hopeless. We scoff at you. Scoff! Oh, hey, did you know that demonologist had an assistant? A sexy little assistant who would do anything for the chance to see a real-live demon? Now, you do and you just lost your chance (and your hostages).
Necronomicon 6: Get an Ouija Board
Do this because demons like to communicate through planks of wood. Also, your demonologist probably told you that this was a bad idea and that this would activate the demon moreso than if you had just left a bowl of milk-blood out for its supper. Have you been feeding your demon? If you haven't (you cruel, spiteful bastard), then the demon in question might just be hungry and everything will stop once you leave a plate of parakeet-chum in virginal ewe blood sauce (recipe located in 9 out of 10 Discount Voodoo Emporium Superstores*). Either way, it will invariably leave you a message on your Ouija board, probably while you're out, so set up a series of cameras to discover its purpose. Once you know that, the game changes.
Necronomicon 7: Screw What The Demon Says
It's a demon and you shouldn't give a damn what it wants. Ignore its message and let's get on to killing it already.
To be continued in two weeks!
Comments
Y'know, this is the annoying thing about supervillainry...we so often go for the fun instead of the efficient. Forget the demonologist, get the assistant, and just kill the demon already. No Ouija boards necessary.
(And just think how embarrassing it would be for Aunt Tildy to answer instead of the demon.)
Posted by: The Evil Giggler | November 20, 2009 12:43 PM