Throughout the ages people have looked to the stars to make cosmic significance of their worthless little lives, have convinced themselves that the alignment of celestial bodies has impacted on their souls, molding them into the person they are today.
Bullshit.
If, by the way, your immediate response is to cry "Well, you WOULD say that- you're clearly an Aries hovering on the cusp of Mars." (Or some similar toss) then know that I am coming for you. With a hammer. Oh yes.
Anyway the key to knowing a person lies not in their birthstone, star alignment or spirit animal. No; if you really want to know about your inner soul just think on your favorite pizza. Then consult this table:
Margherita (Cheese and tomato): Much like this pizza you bring nothing to the table. Kill yourself.
Hawaiian (ham and pineapple): Clearly girly girl who paints their toenails pink. With sparkly bits.
Supreme (Pepperoni, spicy beef, mushrooms, peppers and onions): Proud, headstrong, opinionated. An arsehole, basically.
Farmhouse (ham and mushroom): You have the reading age of a 7 year old and you make love like a farting moose.
Spicy Hot one (spicy beef, green chillies, red onions and tomato chunks): Intelligent, charming, debonair. Plus you blow goats. And swallow.
Chicken Supreme (Chicken, mushrooms, green peppers and red onions): You're a dreamer who can't focus on the present. You never pay your debts and everyone hates you.
Deli (Pepperoni, red onions, green peppers and tomato chunks): If only your inner beauty matched your outer beauty. Inside you are a dead void.
Vegetable Supreme (Mushrooms, green peppers, red onions and tomato chunks): You're a goddam hippie! Where's the MEAT??? You could not be more worthless.
Barbeque (Spicy beef, onion, red peppers and barbeque sauce): Strong and stoic in the face of adversity. You have a hairy back.
Vegetarian Volcano (Green peppers, red peppers, red onions, sweetcorn, jalapeño peppers, chilli powder, chilli sauce): You think you're cool and out there whilst still being 'right on'. Not fooling anyone, hippie.
Oriental Express (Chinese chicken, sweet green peppers, mushrooms, sweetcorn): You're basically a rapist.
Fireball Pizza (Balti chicken, spicy beef, red onion, chilli sauce, chilli powder): You think you're an independent free spirit. You're wrong. You suck the life from a room as you enter.
Pepperoni Perfection (Double pepperoni, mushrooms and onions): You have lovely hair and gentle eyes. And breath that could fell a hippo.
Choose-your-own (4 toppings of choice): You're difficult, demanding and petulant. You spoil things for everyone.
Meat feast (Beef, ham, pepperoni, chicken, sausage and bacon): Everything you do is related to sex. You're a life support system for a crotch. Get help.
Comments
I wonder, could your Pizza Wheel of Prophecy determine what it means should someone mix cheese, tomato sauce, a loaf of bread and whatever is in the refrigerator that hasn't turned to a bacterial mash in a blender until its consistency resembles a thick paste before adding enough beer to achieve a state of drinkability for the mixture?
Posted by: Villainous Godot | November 8, 2009 1:52 PM
Yes. The answer: See a psychiatrist.
Posted by: The Evil Giggler | November 14, 2009 2:18 PM