International News

In January, Russia shut off all natural gas supplies to eastern Europe through Ukraine. Residents of the affected countries said they would have been outraged if they could afford heat.

Later that month, the government and banking system of Iceland collapsed, leading Prime Minister Geir Haarde to resign. The nation's new prime minister, Bjork, quickly set about an economic recovery policy that involved saying the same thing over and over again for seven minutes.

The International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant in March for Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir for war crimes and crimes against humanity in Darfur. When called to testify, Omar, dressed in a silly tie, repeatedly said, "It's all in the game."

In April, the G-20 met in London to discuss the ongoing global financial crisis, clearly solving all the world's money problems. For some reason, the group met again in September in Pittsburgh to again discuss financial issues. Apparently no one told them that no one has ever figured out anything related to finance in Pittsburgh.

Swine flu was deemed a global pandemic in June. Pigs celebrated their achievement by thanking their managers and God.

In August, former U.S. President Bill Clinton traveled to North Korea to negotiate the release of two captured American journalists. (Insert joke about Clinton seducing Kim Jong-Il and/or the kidnapped journalists here.)

In November, the nation of Dubai asked for a deferment on its debt for its huge construction projects, such as an island in the shape of a palm tree. The country was soon seen walking out of a giant payday loan store, assuring everyone that walked by that "I'm good for it."

The United Nations held its big Copenhagen climate change conference in December. There, officials set some very admirable emissions goals that no one will follow for years to come.

National News

Barack Obama officially became the first African-American U.S. president when he was inaugurated in January. Incidentally, he is also the first communist socialist Muslim anti-christ not born in the United States to hold the office.

In April, Iowa and Vermont legalized same-sex marriage with a court decision and legislative override of a veto, respectively. Incidentally, "the court decision" and "overriding the veto" are two sexual positions only gay people can do.

Analog television broadcasts in the United States ended in June, as all networks were forced to switch to digital signals. This made taking over the TV airwaves much more difficult for we supervillains, who have joined forces with the elderly and the Antenna People to lobby against the change.

After an eight-month court battle, Al Franken was finally sworn in as a U.S. senator in July, giving Democrats a 60-seat majority. Democrats quickly jumped into action, successfully executing their plan to put their supermajority to no good use whatsoever.

Congress went on recess in August, and many members' town hall meetings in their home states and districts became forums for public outrage about health care reform and ridiculous faces. The following month, thousands of tea party protesters marched on Washington, strongly expressing their opinions regarding just how Hitlery and/or witch doctory Obama is.

In October, the Nobel Committee named President Obama the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee's official reasoning for awarding the prize to the first-year president was "Um...he...he's a neat guy...and stuff, we guess."

Also in October, millions of Americans were duped into believing that a young boy was in an experimental balloon flying over Colorado. In fact, it was just a bunch of kittens stapled together to look like a boy.

Major Nadal Malik Hasan killed 12 people and wounded more at Ft. Hood military base in Texas in November. The NRA responded to the tragedy by stating that there aren't enough guns in the military.

Notable Deaths

In January, Patrick McGoohan, star of the classic 1960s TV series "The Prisoner," died, but at least he did it as a free man.

Also in January, Ricardo Montalban, best known for his starring role in "Fantasy Island" and for playing Khan in "Star Trek II," died, but not before setting off the Genesis Device and teaching Victoria Principal an important life lesson about being careful what she wished for.

Adult film superstar Marilyn Chambers died in April, marking the sexiest death of the year so far.

Later in April, "Golden Girls" and "Maude" star Bea Arthur died, overtaking the title of the year's sexiest death.

Comedic actor Dom DeLuise, who appeared in many of Mel Brooks' movies and was known for his ribald "Tonight Show" appearances, died in May. According to Afterlife News reports, he's already having lots of fun smashing cream pies into God's crotch.

"Kung Fu" star David Carradine died in June, inadvertently creating a whole new verb in the process.

Also in June, "Charlie's Angels" star Farrah Fawcett died, making masturbating to that poster not just a lot of fun, but also a memorial service.

Near the end of June, Michael Jackson died. We just wanted to let you know, because you might not have heard.

Long-time "CBS Evening News" anchor Walter Cronkite died in July. He did so because it was impossible to turn in his grave while still alive.

In August, long-serving Massachusetts U.S. Senator Ted Kennedy died. Upon his arrival in the afterlife, his brothers and parents chastised him for his death not being tragic enough.

Also in August, director John Hughes died. At his funeral, a jock, a nerdy kid, a prissy spoiled girl, a bad boy and a "basket case" all argued about it in an entertaining way.

"Road House" star Patrick Swayze died in September, leading a younger cooler to finally take on the evil liquor distributor in town once and for all.

In December, Roy E. Disney, largely credited with revitalizing the Walt Disney Co. and saving film animation, died. His saddened children sang a song about it and began years of preparation and character-building with two hilarious comic relief characters to take on the evil villain who killed their father, stomach cancer.

Come back tomorrow for our look at the year in entertainment, sports and science/technology!