Entertainment

"The Simpsons" began its 20th season in February, the first to be broadcast in HD. Even so, former fans of the show said it obviously was more high definition between seasons 3 and 7.

Also in February, "Slumdog Millionaire" won the Oscar for Best Picture. Academy members were shocked when poverty in India didn't immediately end after the ceremony.

"Britain's Got Talent" contestant Susan Boyle's version of "I Dreamed a Dream" became a worldwide sensation in April. Boyle remained the weirdest-looking worldwide singing sensation until Lady Gaga took over the charts shortly thereafter.

In June, Conan O' Brien took over as host of "The Tonight Show," with former host Jay Leno taking a prime time slot in September. Ratings for both time slots decreased substantially, from nothing to less than nothing.

The highest-grossing film of the year was "Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince," which came out in July. Tea partiers who bought tickets thinking the unnamed character of the title was actually Barack Obama demanded their money back, but were refused.

In September, the Beatles: Rock Band game was released to somewhat disappointing sales. Industry observers said the later-career portions of the game, which mostly centered around arguing and lawsuits, turned off buyers.

In December, James Cameron's $300 million epic "Avatar" hit theaters. Critics loved the film, saying that big blue cat whatsits falling in love was on par with things that aren't ridiculous and stupid.

Sports

The Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Arizona Cardinals in a close Super Bowl in early February. Residents of both areas celebrated their teams making it to the big game by being laid off from their jobs en masse.

A new Yankee Stadium opened in early April. The ghosts of Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig said it was okay and all, but they missed the dark corners they used to hide in to scare the fuck out of Derek Jeter.

The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Orlando Magic 4-1 in the NBA Finals in June. The Lakers' post-victory cries that they were going to Disney World were less an innocent show of happiness than a full-on act of war.

In October, the New York Yankees defeated the Philadelphia Phillies 4-2 in the World Series. For old times' sake, the ghosts of Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig hid in one of the locker room champagne bottles and made Derek Jeter piss his pants.

Also that month, the World Gymnastics Championships were held in London. I don't have any information about who won or anything, but that's okay, because the real winners were the audience.

With the Ford 400 in November, Jimmie Johnson became the first ever NASCAR driver to win four consecutive cup titles. His name became synonymous for racing success in addition to being two euphemisms for penis.

Also in November, golfer Tiger Woods won the Australian Masters tournament, marking the last time he would be known for anything having to do with golf.

Science/Technology

In March, NASA started its Kepler mission, which will search for extrasolar planets in the Milky Way. One time I found half a caterpillar in a Milky Way and got my money back, so I'm guessing NASA's hoping for the same thing.

UNESCO launched the World Digital Library, an online depository of learning materials, in April. I discovered this information on Wikipedia, incidentally.

May saw the announcement that paleontologists had discovered a "missing link" with features similar to lemurs, monkeys and humans. Its name? Robin Williams.

A six-and-a-half minute solar eclipse over parts of Asia in July was the longest of the century so far. Soon thereafter, other celestial bodies began taking fertility drugs to win the so-called "eclipse race."

In October, astronomers in Europe discovered 32 "exoplanets," or planets outside our solar system. These planets asked to be left alone so they could listen to their Morrissey tapes in peace.

NASA announced that it had found "significant" amounts of water on the moon in November. When asked to explain why he hadn't mentioned the water since going to the moon 40 years ago, a crying Buzz Aldrin removed several pints he had been hiding in his anus since 1969 and agreed to serve his jail time.

Later that month, the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland came back online after being shut down for more than a year. The world immediately was destroyed.