December 18
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What it's about: Some mean humans want some expensive-ass rocks and are going to kill some blue people to get them. But they want to be nice about it, so they send a paralyzed Marine guy (Sam Worthington) in disguised as one of them to...I dunno, convince them that mining is good or something?
What to expect: For the Marine guy to accomplish his mission well and for the blue people to leave or die or something and everyone to get really rich and be really happy because capitalism, you know?
Did You Hear About the Morgans?
What it's about: An effete New York couple (Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker) are sent to the third-world nation of Wyoming after they witness a murder and have to go into witness protection. There, they witness horrible sights such as fatty breakfasts, animals in the wild and discount stores.
What to expect: You know, there's an old Hollywood superstition that movies with question marks in the title always fail. Prepare to see that myth perpetuated here.
December 23
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
What it's about: It's a valiant attempt to string the longest string of cliches in world history together. The Guinness committee has yet to officially declare it a record-holder, but producers are confident it will sail to victory.
What to expect: A VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE that they GAVE AWAY IN THE TRAILER. (If you haven't seen it, girl chipmunks sing about wanting to get married.)
December 25
Sherlock Holmes
What it's about: Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) and Dr. Watson (Jude Law) solve some kind of case or something while they flirt up the screen with their hetero bro love.
What to expect: For them to have some hetero anal sex at the end.
It's Complicated
What it's about: It's a movie where Alec Baldwin says "OMG" out loud. This is all you need to know.
What to expect: See above.
Nine
What it's about: It's Fellini's 8 1/2 made into a musical that includes songs that sound like they should be in Olive Garden commercials.
What to expect: To feel really conflicted about this whole thing. Daniel Day Lewis and some hot babes? Okay. But...Fergie? What? And those Olive Garden songs?
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
What it's about: The perfect thing to see in a Christmas movie: The last performance of a guy from taking too many pills.
What to expect: The Terry Gilliamest film in a very, very long time.
Comments
While I'll probably pay to see it, let's face it: "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus" really sounds like something from the oeuvre of Troy McClure. Like it was playing in a triple feature that also included "My Favorite Monkey" and "DANGER SPY! 3: The Case of the Volcano Nazis."
Posted by: Bill the Splut | December 16, 2009 2:56 PM