There are many perils about this time of year; obesity, alcoholism, being smashed in the nuts by your girlfriend when your gift of jewelery turns out to be a remote control vibrating clit-ring ("For the man who can't stand foreplay!"), money-grubbing carolers, ugly sweaters, smaltsy movies, irritating relatives, Work parties and the awful, awful music.
But for we Supervillains there is an additional peril, no, it's not Bruce Willis, though the man does like to shoot him some bad guys to get in the festive spirit. No, this is something far, far worse: as the tinsel goes up so does the chance that something will happen to try and change us. This season is a bitch for forces assembling to teach bad guys the "error" of their ways. Whether it's ghosts, Santa, God, Kids, magic remote controls, creepy janitors that turn men into teenagers, Robbie Coltraine, Morgan Freeman, any number of superheroes or a selection of Muppets the universe just can't stand to let a good bad-guy be bad.
Why these people can't spend their efforts on people who might actually NEED their help more ("Hi, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future. This here is the bus that runs you down. Look both ways before crossing, chump.") or who actually WANT their help (Don't give the magic powers to the orphaned cripple; give them to the selfish middle-class asshat with the astoundingly hot wife, totally fair!) who knows, but it's a serious problem.
Here's some tips to make sure you remain good and villainous into the New Year.
Fuck the guilt. 
When some impoverished big eyed kid comes up to you during a job and says "My mommy says everyone deswerves a hug at Christmas." before wrapping their snot-sodden arms round your leg DO NOT suddenly have an attack of conscience. Many a supervillain has been on the verge of making off with some serious loot, and possibly battering the shit out a hated foe only to wake up the next day in a Santa hat following a sudden attack of the festive guilt. And for what? Some reminder of one happy memory from your past? Suck it up, bitch.
Just think: WWTJD? What Would The Joker Do? That's right, he'd stuff the kids mouth with coal before nailing them above a fireplace. Ho. Ho. Ho.
Don't be a dick.
It may be that this season you come in to some magic. The impulse will be to behave exactly as you did before, only with God-like powers. Plus there always seems to be a lot of low-brow scatological "humour" along the way. Go figure. The idea being that if you act like a dick then the power will amplify your dickishness so you realise your dickitude. So fuck that. Not that I'm advocating altruism here; quite the reverse. But don't attempt to change your current life in poxy little ways, that's like some white trash Mom buying a gold trailer with her lottery win. No, you have to forget your old deal completely.
If Life decides to "teach you a lesson" by transforming you into Zak Effron (Good move, Life. That'll teach him.) then don't stick around your divorced wife and estranged kids- you're Zac Efron, fffs; go get you some TAIL, son!
If you get the power to control time itself then don't even THINK about using it to do better at your lousy job (at the expense of your family, natch). YOU ARE A GOD, BEHAVE LIKE IT. (This also applies if you get God's power).
If you go back in time don't learn lessons from your old High School, make bets! Lots of them. Buy shares, go punch your arch-enemy's Dad repeatedly in the nutsack. Think! Don't be a dick.
Remember who you are.
You know what I would have said if I was Scrooge and some incorporeal fuckweasel had shown me Tiny Tim's grave? I would have laughed right in his ghosty face. I didn't care about him then, I don't care about him now. If I HAD cared I would have done something about it before and I didn't, yeah? Keep your vision, spooky.
Similarly if no one came to my funeral- so fucking what? Did I die rich? Yes? Awesome. That was my whole plan.
Remember, people- this Christmas, keep it ISS.
Comments
When the spirit shows Scrooge his grave, Scrooge is shocked? Did he think he was immortal?
Posted by: 8bithero | December 18, 2009 12:59 PM
Its pretty simple, really. Like any good rich-man, Scrooge thought that the alchemy of the time was enough to keep him alive until the Magnet-O-Ray pulls the Sun into the Earth (or the other way around).
Posted by: Villainous Godot | December 19, 2009 9:13 PM
Luckily I'm immune to the doe-eyed children. If there were *any* happy memories in my past I wouldn't be the villain I am today.
Posted by: Qwikblade | December 24, 2009 7:26 AM