(Continued from here.)
Necronomicon 8: Kill The Rabbit!
Before trying to console yourself that you just wasted weeks and 6 other Necronomicons to get to this point, it's time to go shopping. So, go out and mug some people and take their credit cards because we're breaking the (their) bank(s)! These are the items which you will want to purchase:
1. A foot-noose
2. A pressurized aqua cannon with a back-mounted tank filled with holy water
3. A flashbang filled with concentrated holy
4. Lunch
5. Night vision goggles
6. Several demon warding mystical charms (Discount Voodoo Emporium Superstores offer a wide range of objects, from the casual to the risqué, to repel metaphysical forces - all at low, low prices!*)
7. A duck blind
8. A motion sensitive, laser targeting automatic paintball gun capable of launching 500 rounds per minute with .96 or above accuracy
9. Blessed paint balls
10. Salt
11. A priest (If you look in the supervillain yellow pages there is a listing under "Religion" for various religious services which cater almost exclusively to the supervillain clientle.)
12. More salt
13. One of those robotic dogs
14. Holy razor wire
15. A handgun (blessed, with blessed bullets) and knife (also blessed) for CQC
16. Simon Belmont
17. A 30 can case of Coors Light
Once you have made all the necessary purchases, then it's time to set up. Demons typically work at night, with the most active time being approximately 1-2am. You have until 11pm (to err on the conservative side) to set up your demon trap.
Necronomicon 9: The (Second) Most Dangerous Game
Here's the basic layout to the trap you will be setting. For this, we shall assume that your bedroom is identical to that in the documentary Paranormal Activity. If your bedroom is not set up as per the layout in Paranormal Activity rearrange your furniture so that its layout matches that of the room inhabited by Katie and Micah. This will simplify the explanation as well as enable this guide to be used across various populations and, therefore, increase its efficacy by statistically significant measures. Trust us, we ran the necessary calculations on second-hand computers purchased from the Legion of Doom's last lair sale.
1. Place your paintball cannon perpendicularly to the entranceway while aiming at your door. Remember, to adjust the paintball gun so that it aims over the bed rather than into it. This will allow you increased mobility and keep you out of the line of fire while the demon gets pelted with holy paintballs.
2. Deactivate the paintball cannon because you activated it and spent nearly half your ammunition and ruined your combat fatigues.
3. Set up a camera in the same location as the camera in Paranormal Activity because, let's face it, this is definitely going on YouTube.
4. Set up the duck blind in the corner. This will be your command center from which you will observe the battle and mount your counteroffensive. It is imperative that you have prepared an escape route in case the demon breaks through your lines and you find yourself requiring emergency evacuation.
5. Place the robotic dog on the floor slightly in front of the camera. The demon, after being pelted with paintballs, will ultimately unleash its demonic wrath upon the robotic dog since you will be expertly concealed within the duck blind.
6. Surround the robotic dog with the razor wire. The demon will become entangled in the razor wire and its panicked flailing to escape will grant you extra time for your assault.
7. Turn off the dog, for now, since you're wasting the batteries. You probably should have checked before setting up the razor wire since you don't have any time to spare deconstructing and reconstructing the trap.
8. Run the foot-noose under the razor wire so that the demon, while attempting to kill the robotic dog and escape the razor wire, will be trapped and strung-up by its ankle. If all goes according to plan the demon should be flung upside down while entangled with razor wire.
9. Have the priest bless everything once more so that you are absolutely certain that your weapons are holy. Escort the priest to duck blind and order him to wait just in case you need his assistance during the offensive (or if you need a human shield and/or sacrifice against the advancing demon).
10. Don your aqua cannon, night vision goggles and demon warding charms. Strap the flashbang to your waist and holster the handgun and sheath the knife. Position yourself with the priest behind the duck blind. Open and secure your cache of salt. Activate the robotic dog. Pat the case of beer tenderly.
11. Have Simon Belmot hide in the bathroom so that he can envelop the demon and strike it with his Vampire Killer whip and various sub-weapons.
12. Treat any razor wire related injuries using applicable first aid strategies.
Now, you just play the waiting game, and, alternately, Hungry Hungry Hippos while waiting for the demon to appear.
Necronomicon 10: War, What Is It Good For? Demon Killing! Say It Again!
Here's how it will go down. The demon, at, for example, 1:33am will enter the bedroom from the door. Upon entering, it will trip the laser on the paintball cannon, causing it to shell the demon with holy paintballs. The demon will become enraged and will advance on the robotic dog which had activated because of the motion. The demon will ensnare itself in the razor wire and will inevitably step into the foot-noose. When the demon is hoisted to the ceiling, it's your time to attack. Toss the flashbang at the demon. The flashbang will blind and deafen the demon with its holiness (and might just deal some damage as well). Once the light from the flashbang dissipates, activate your night vision goggles and attack. Spray the demon down with holy water from your water cannon. At this point you should also have summoned Simon Belmot from hiding to attack as well. Once Simon is out of hearts for his sub-weapons and you are out of holy water, release the foot-noose to allow the demon to drop to the floor. Cover the demon with all the salt that you have. This should kill it. If, by some chance, the demon is still alive, then position yourself behind Simon Belmont and fire at the demon with your handgun. Should Simon fall before the demon, use the priest as cover as you continue to attack with your knife. If the priest is rent asunder by the powerful demon claws, then attempt to get to your escape route. Once that doesn't work, gulp loudly and await evisceration at the hands of one pissed off Hell-being.
Necronomicon 11: Finish Him!
As the demon advances upon you, remove two cans of the Coors Light from their case. Open each can and offer one to the demon. You will now have your last drink with your demon executioner. Drink your beer as the demon drinks its beer. Then, watch the demon die from the Coors Light. Continue drinking beer.
Note: Being the "Silver Bullet," Coors Light is the only beer capable of slaying demons. This tactic also works with werewolves.
Necronomicon 12: Demon Blood Doesn't Come Out Of Upholstery
Congratulations! You have just killed your very first demon (The ISS Way) and can now embark on a lucrative career slaying demons. Simply purchase our At Home Demon Exterminator Course for a nominal fee of $12,539.76 plus shipping and handling. We accept all major credit cards, gold, jewels, and forgotten idols of the Lost-Gods which pulsate with the eeriest of light when the moon ascends to its apex during Walpurgisnacht.
So, now what do you do with your completely demon-free residence? Well, you certainly added thousands upon thousands of dollars to your lair's value. You probably have a lot to clean up as well, so get to it. That way you can throw a "No Demon's Allowed" party and, legitimately, have no demons in attendance.
Did you remember to release the demonologist from the basement? You didn't, did you? Well, he's dead now. Good luck explaining that to the police when they inevitably knock on your door because of the ruckus you caused in the middle of the night. Better yet, get that handgun and knife and head to Tijuana. You might just be able to catch a donkey show and herpes before the Mexican authorities stomp your head into a half-full bottle of tequila. Be optimistic.
*This article has been sponsored by Discount Voodoo Emporium Superstores - the nationwide chain for all your occult needs. Present this article to the sales associate for a 10% discount on all non-legendary occult items, or for a relaxing 10 minute massage with one of the fine iron maidens. Offer expires when the moon begins to wane on the third night of Samhain.
