by Doktor Maxwell von Puppykicker the Third
When we took on Stan Helsing, we thought we had seen the worst the parody genre had to offer. How naive and innocent we were then. For we did not know what horrors lurked over the horizon: a parody of Judd Apatow movies. Let me restate that: someone actually sat down, watched Judd Apatow's COMEDY movies, widely acclaimed for their HUMOR, and had the brilliant idea of adding (bad) jokes.
Don't watch this, and not just because it's very NSFW.
My musings on this atrocity against humor after the jump.
0:20 What, no record scratch noise?
0:27 You know, the sad thing is, as a comedy premise, "40 year old tries to lose his virginity" has some potential. I wonder why no one's tried it before?
0:31 These are the jokes people.
0:40 So far this movie appears to be 40% naked asses by volume.
0:45 So, the entire movie is nothing but one long reminder of other, funnier movies?
0:53 The makers of this movie appear to have equated "comedy" with "a ceaseless slew of repulsive images". Of course that's a simple enough mistake. Sometimes, when I'm writing a comedy article, I'll accidentally include pictures of puppies that have been horrifically mutilated by land mines. You know how it is.
1:03 Boy, I'm glad that someone's finally teaching Judd Apatow to laugh at himself.
1:13 You know, maybe we were a little too harsh on Stan Helsing. A little.
1:15 More like "Superbad"! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA oh fuck it.
1:21 Some quick research reveals that the actor playing *sigh* "McAnallovin" also played the role of McLover in Disaster Movie. Yes, he played a jokeless parody of a character from a comedy movie in two separate, unrelated films. Yes, that is the worst thing you've ever read.
1:31 woman fall down funny
1:36 Hey, naked wrestling! Like in Borat! Another far superior film!
1:39 It's cute that the movie thinks that breasts alone can redeem what it has done.
1:40 You know, the first time I watched this, I screamed for twenty seven seconds straight before passing out. I woke up naked, lying in an alleyway, covered in blood that was not my own. Overall, the experience was a nice little diversion from watching this trailer.
1:42 Oh great, a Slumdog Millionaire parody. That will probably be only slightly less contrived than Slumdog Millionaire itself. Also, you're parodying the one scene in that movie that was already funny. You don't really get comedy, do you?
1:47 The truly depressing thing here? From all the sight gags on display here, this looks like it had a bigger budget than this year's infinitely superior parody film Black Dynamite.
1:52 Man, when your jokes lack the subtlety of those in a teen sex comedy...
2:00 It's a really good idea to give your movie an unwieldy title similar to those of other, more popular films, making it even more difficult to find. Not that it really matters in this case.
2:01 Heh, pregnant women are fat. It's funny cause it's true.
2:09 NO WHY WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK THAT IS ACCEPTABLE IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU WHY FUCK YOU
2:10 I'm absolutely amazed that they had the restraint not to write "cumming soon" there instead.
2:13 Oh hey, I get it. Like the commercial. That's sort of funny, I guess. (Editor's note: It isn't.)
Comments
Wouldn't it be awesome if the producers of this movie were found dead in a traffic accident somewhere? And during the accident, a wood chipper fell off a truck, turned itself on and landed on them? And when the emergency services arrives, dogs were already peeing on the remains?
Posted by: Senor Taco | December 8, 2009 1:23 PM
Okay, that's it. Someone summon the Great Old Ones, humanity is ripe for the harvest.
Oh Dark Lords, grant me death's sweet release!
Posted by: Mark Question | December 8, 2009 2:32 PM
I have been searching and searching, but I just can't seem to find your mutilated puppy-articles. Maybe you could post a link here in the comments?
Posted by: Voffvoffhunden | December 8, 2009 2:32 PM
Wait, is that 'Can you hear me now?' commercial still relevant? Isn't that thing from like 2000 or 2001?
Posted by: Boneman | December 8, 2009 6:56 PM
I managed to resist the morbid urge of actually watching the trailer. From the looks of things, it seems I made a wise decision.
Posted by: Overlord K | December 8, 2009 10:06 PM
I would mutilate puppies if that meant I could go back in time and stop myself from watching that trailer.
Posted by: Spleeny | December 9, 2009 8:14 AM
The real question is whether or not it's evil to rape these people to death. On one hand, supervillains want these kinds of directors to live so they can degrade and rot society. But on the other hand...goddamn, you know?
Posted by: LEANDER | December 9, 2009 1:16 PM
Leander,
I can relate to how you feel,
yes, technically, these people are evil, (well, certainly they are not good!) and, yes, killing them would PROBABLY
not be evil, but really, it's a matter of STYLE! Damnit, these people are bringing down the standards of everything that we stand for! Being a supervillain is about inspiring awe and dread in the populace so that the world will bend to your will! Not this wretched dreck!
...a moment of silence punctuated by screams as Dr DNA, after viewing the video, rips out his own eyes from his sockets with a plastic spork and disposes of them in an convienient acid pit...
...Ahhh, that's better! Fortunately I keep some spare cloned eyeballs for just these occasions...
squish...pop!
squish...pop!
shakes head, blinks...
Now, where were we? Ahh, yes, what to do with these miscreants who sully all that supervillany stands for!
As for raping them to death, I think there would be a slightly better fate for them...
How about raping them NEARLY to death... stop... let them recover a bit, then stake them out in a large pit, carefully slit their bellies, pull out their entrails, smear them with peanut butter, then lower a cage of starved, crack-crazed rabid weasels, and release them... all the while, making the resulting carnage available on pay-per-view?
Vengance AND Profit!
That way, if we are doing any hypothetical 'good' we can always make up for it later...
...I don't know... maybe release a few plagues or infomercials or something...
...Doing the Godzilla stomp through the nearest major metropolis in my giant robotic exoskeleton always makes me feel better!
Yours in mad science,
Dr DNA
Posted by: Dr DNA | December 9, 2009 5:49 PM
I'm evil, but this is just wrong.
The humanity!!!
Posted by: Mónica | December 9, 2009 5:50 PM
Wow...
Who is it who approves what movies hit theaters?
Posted by: Hexen Darkside | December 10, 2009 3:40 AM
Imagine how it would feel to only be able to put "Kind of look like Jonah Hill" on your resume.
Posted by: bg | December 11, 2009 2:40 PM
Thank you, Puppykicker. Thank you so very much for bringing Black Dynamite to my attention.
Posted by: Brendon | December 17, 2009 4:55 AM