Christmas Trees
The great Christmas choice: you can either have the real Christmas tree or the fake Christmas tree. Count me directly in the camp of those that prefer the fake tree, if for no other reason than I prefer not to have pine needles and sap all over the floor, nor do I enjoy fires. Well, at least not the ones I don't start on purpose. But with that said, I'm not sure that even the fake tree is worth the hassle of getting the thing set up and then arguing over whether the star or the angel goes on top this year.
Yes, I suppose you can get one of those little trees as an easy way of getting around the hassle, but it's also kind of wimpy. And, honestly, what does the tree do other than serve as a placeholder for lights and ornaments? Here's an idea. Why not just put lights and ornaments up on something that's already in your living room? Like your Uncle Ron. He won't even notice, probably.
Minus 4 bullets.
Ornaments
You know, ornaments actually aren't so bad. For one thing, getting out old ornaments are your parents' house may be the only time of the year you can legitimately pull out old stuff you made in the third grade and be like, "Hey, I remember making this. Right after I did it I squirted glue all in Rebecca Pinksworth's mouth. That stupid bitch."
Plus, think of all the old gags that have been done involving those red/green/blue ball ornaments that everyone seems to have at least one set of. Those things are just comedy gold, right there. Like, you can look in one, and your face looks all craaaazy! Or you can stuff two down your pants and pretend they're your testicles! That's just good old Christmas spirit right there.
Plus 5 bullets.
Lights
I tend to be a little Scroogesque at times, but I do have to say that I can't help but enjoy a good string of Christmas lights when I see one. It may have a lot to do with the fact that one of my favorite things to do as a kid during Christmastime was to run into my living room and play with the little clicker that changed the way that the lights on our Christmas tree lit up. Click. Now they're solid. Click. Now they're going in a wave pattern. Click. Now they're flashing in a random manner that would cause epileptics to have seizures. It just annoyed the shit out of my parents.
And, you know, also, seeing the lights on someone's house is a good measure of socioeconomic status. No lights means they probably can't pay their power bill and are poor. Tasteful lights mean they're pretty well off. And lights all over the house and throughout the yard mean they're probably have no asthetic sense and didn't graduate high school. It's a great measuring stick.
Plus 6 bullets.
Tinsel
Seriously, fuck whoever invented tinsel. It's worthless. It's pointless, and I don't know why anyone would ever bother using it. I mean, it's bad enough to have to go out and cut down a tree. I'll be damned if I'm going to cover up every inch of said tree with little metallic strands that hide any evidence that this is, in fact, an actual tree sitting in my living room. If I wanted to put something metallic on display I'd just set out a lamp or an old Chevy Nova. Or, you know, I'd just get a metal tree.
And removing tinsel is even worse, grabbing those little strands only to get pine needles jammed under your fingernails. You know what? I don't want to talk about tinsel anymore.
Minus 8 bullets.
Santa Claus Figurines
Seriously, these things are as creepy as shit. Just about every house has at least one, just kind of sitting there in the corner, staring off into space. And damnation, they're just unsettling. Never in my life have I seen one that doesn't look like it's about to come to life in the middle of the night and slam me over the head with its sack of toys or just slit my throat with a fucking razor it got out of the bathroom.
There's nothing good about them, I can tell you. I think it's the fact that they're so often highly detailed to the point where, if it wasn't obvious they were inanimate and made or rubber or plastic or ceramics, they would just jump right up at you. It's like the uncanny valley of sculpted Santa Clauses. It freaks me out.
Minus 9 bullets.
Mistletoe
I don't think I've ever been in a situation in which I've been under mistletoe with someone I actually wanted to kiss. Usually it's just some situation where you're standing in a doorway with someone, you see it above you, look at each other, realize neither of you wants to kiss the other (because it's like your friend's grandma or a pastor or something) and you just ignore it. So at least it's inoffensive usually.
Still, I do anticipate one day standing under some mistletoe with one Miss Johansson who knows who she is so that she can finally experience the wonderment that is an MW Christmas of hard, all-night gettin' it on. You heard me. So at least there's hope.
Plus 1 bullet.
Comments
Remember, class, live grenades perform double duty at Christmas time. Simply attach a few to the tree via the conveniently attached rings and you have a decoration worthy of a supervillain. Also, you can rig a few strands of fishing wire through the house as tripwires for your "ornaments" in case of a Christmas Eve looting. The possibilities do end - with the mangled corpse of your enemy.
Posted by: Villainous Godot | December 5, 2009 9:17 PM