Nativity Scenes
I've always found it strange how the symbolism of Christmas is so varied, and often, very contradictory. Take for instance, the fact that much of the secular imagery of the season inovlves snow and candy canes and wintery stuff, while the basis of the religious side of the holiday involves people in a desert with like, camels and sand and stars as big as the sun. It's particularly weird when someone decides to combine the two, and you get a baby in a manger somewhere in what's now the West Bank and there's snow everywhere.
But here's the main thing about nativity scenes: they universally show the scene as a tableau, with Mary and Joseph and the sheperds and Wise Men just standing around looking at the baby, with little Jesus just kind of sitting there glowing like a radioactive isotope. Wouldn't they at least be talking to each other? Or, you know, scrambling to figure out what they could do to make the baby more comfortable? But, no, they're just standing there, like, "Man, that baby sure is glowing. It's a good thing, too, because, otherwise, how would we have known this was the right kid?" It's just so unrealistic.
Minus 3 bullets.
Signs That Say "Noel"
I'll be the first to admit that I have no fucking idea what the word "Noel" means. As far as I'm concerned, the signs might as well have any nonsense words on them, like "Arglebargle" or "Judd Hirsch." Of course, as always when I don't know what something means, I will now consult Wikipedia, the be all and end all of human knowlege, which says Noel is "a masculine French given name that means 'Christmas.'" So the signs just say "Christmas," and in French, no less.
Thanks for the really obfuscated update on what time of year it is, signs. When President's Day rolls around, can you remind me of that in, say, Romanian?
Minus 5 bullets.
Candles
I got nothing against candles. In fact, I kind of prefer the way they light up a room, with that flickery, not-entirely-even light that kind of makes it feel like you've gone back to the early days of man even though you happen to be sipping something that was made in a Starbucks espresso machine. Oh, and you get to light them with either matches or one of those cool lighters with the trigger that tend to be pretty awesome.
If anything, candles have gotten a whole hell of a lot better over the last few years, because it's my understanding that you can buy certain types that smell like cookies. And there's not a damn thing wrong with that.
Plus 3 bullets.
Wreaths
Of all the Christmas decorations that involve pine needles or greenery of any type, I can say pretty easily that wreaths are the classiest. Yes, they have the potential to be gaudy in some circumstances, say, when there are some kind of Cornish horns involved, but for the most part they tend to be pretty inoffensive.
Not to mention the fact that wreaths originate from the Greek and Roman traditions of wearing garlands on one's head as a crown and putting them on sarcophagi as funerary decorations. I'm not really sure how that relates, but it's pretty cool, anyway. You could take the thing right off the door, and suddenly you're the king of the fucking house! Or dead, I suppose. Either way.
Plus 6 bullets.
Nutcrackers
It's a little known fact that Nutcrackers were actually real people back in the 13th and 14th centuries. One soldier from every regiment, usually the one with the strongest and healthiest teeth, was appointed the company nutcracker. All the other soldiers in the regiment would come to the Nutcracker with their macadamias and cashews and the like, and the guy would have to bite the things open so the other guy could eat. That nutcracker usually ended up losing all his teeth within a few months, and was summarily executed because he was no longer useful to the army.
So really these little wooden soldiers we use now are a testament to a pretty barbaric common practice. Okay, so I just made all that up. But, hey! Nutcracker! Nuts can be a euphemism for testicles! Hahahahahaha!
Plus 2 bullets.
Snow Globes
Snow globes are good for one thing and one thing only, and that's being thrown down and broken in your huge, cavernous mansion as you mourn your lost childhood on your deathbed.
Otherwise, they're useless.
Minus 1 bullet.
Comments
You totaly got me with the nutcracker joke :P My family uses a bird as centerpiece in the christmas tree. Weird people.
Posted by: Jack Burtson | September 1, 2011 4:54 PM