February 5
From Paris With Love
What it's about: A secret agent (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers) gets teamed up with a crazy man (John Travolta) to end terrorism in Paris. (Apparently, the number-one French terrorists are people who work in Chinese restaurants, by the way.) The crazy man does things the way he was trained to do them: Much too flashy and recklessly.
What to expect: It was co-written by Luc Besson, so I feel like I can pretty confidently state there'll be some kind of inappropriate semi-romance between Travolta and a teenager.
Dear John
What it's about: A girl named Savannah (Amanda Seyfried) falls for a soldier (Channing Tatum) with a burnt penis who will endanger his life for a bag that fell in the ocean, so everything in it's already ruined. They stare into each others' eyes a lot, but then he gets called back to the war so they have to stare at the moon.
What to expect: I bet they probably both die or something. I don't know. I don't really care. I'm pretty distraught that this isn't the long-awaited big-screen adaptation of the Judd Hirsch sitcom of the same name.
February 12
Valentine's Day
What it's about: A huge cast of famous people each stars in a four-minute or so segment about the love-crazy holiday dedicated to St. Valentine. Since the segments are upwards of nearly 240 seconds long, they've gotta be pretty deep, right?
What to expect: NEVER BEFORE HAVE TWO ACTING FORCES AS TITANIC AS TAYLOR LAUTNER AND TAYLOR SWIFT MET. PREPARE FOR THE ACTPOCALYPSE
The Wolfman
What it's about: It's pretty basic, really. There's a guy (Benecio del Toro). He turns into a wolf sometimes. People totally hassle him about it. It sucks.
What to expect: Is there some kind of contractual agreement that dictates that Anthony Hopkins has be in every revival of a Universal monster franchise? It's kind of ridiculous.
Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief
What it's about: There's a kid who ends up having to fight the ancient Greek gods or something. Look, it's pretty clearly just a big Apple ad. So accept it.
What to expect: A lot of angry people who were expecting a Tyler Perry movie to demand a refund.
