Now that the American football season is winding down with talk of the Superbowl and Saints and Mannings we here at the ISS have devised our own sinister football team using what our scientists have dubbed "The Monstars Effect." For those unfamiliar with the concept of Space Jam, watch it.
What we have now is a complete offensive line with which to utterly destroy the typical football teams and show those second-rate villains, the New England Patriots, exactly how football evil is done! You may be asking why there is no defensive line. You may also be experiencing Sudden-Laser-Absorption-Toxicity or the feeling that you're being watched (you are). The reason there is no defensive line listed is simple - figure it out.
Let's get busy.
Center: The Blob
We wanted a center that can prevent the defensive line from breaking through the middle and one that has enough power to open holes for the running back. The Blob can do both of these with his super strength and "nothing can move the Blob" attitude. His only problem would be snapping the football but, amazingly, he is somewhat spry for a lardy bastard and, even if he can't do a cartwheel on command, he can flip a football to the quarterback.
Offensive Tackles: Rulk (Right Tackle), General Zod (Left Tackle)
Both of these candidates have the super-strength to block the defensive line into the mantle. But, that's not where these guys really shine. Both Rulk and Zod have the arrogance (kneel before them) and cunning necessary to make sure the play goes off without a hitch. And did we mention the brutality of which these players are capable? Put two players such as these on the field and there now exists a singularity where your brain used to be, and it's sucking all your chips into it. It's either that or they just compressed a linebacker into something we can sell to CERN.
Offensive Guard: Solomon Grundy, Abomination
Look, we don't need someone capable of calculating derivational string theory on the line (that's for our quarterback). We are looking for someone we can place in front of something (also known as the Henchman Factor) and for that someone to smash that something, and, for that, these two will work well. And Grundy's a zombie so we can disburse bite related propaganda to the media. Now that's good mental influence.
Tight End: Venom
Since we're looking for someone who can block and receive passes we need someone with enough strength to do so as well as the ability to catch a football. Venom has both qualities. His strength, while not as high as other villains, enables him to go toe to toe with more powerful foes. Venom did, at one point, battle the Juggernaut without being punched into symbiote covered goo, so he has that working for him. But what really takes Venom ahead of the competition is his symbiote. The symbiote's best feature is the ability to sense the world around its host and this will help Venom detect passes and superhero blockers. If we add to this the symbiote's ability to act without its host (since it is a sentient being after all) we have another set of tendrils capable of catching a ball while Eddie battles with his blocker. Furthermore, the symbiote has the ability to store items within itself, or something to that effect (which is not adequately explained). This means that once Venom has the ball, he can store it and is practically immune to fumbles with either a touchdown or tackle stopping the play and, since Venom is highly agile with super strength to boot, we'll be seeing a good deal of touchdowns. Let's also not forget the web shooters which can nab a deflected pass or restrain or blind a blocker. Plus, we get a "Venom Rush" special play where Venom's symbiote copies the appearance of another hero (or his/her uniform) and gets to the end zone via confusion. It may only fool the heroes a few times before they catch on and have someone with advanced senses block Venom but those extra few touchdowns can secure the game for the villains.
More Sunday!
