0:28: In case it wasn't clear, this is a prison.

0:41: "Written by." Just keep in mind as the video continues that someone wrote this.

0:50: Good idea, Lady Gaga. Better hand the guard those sunglasses. It looks like they'll take good care of them.

1:12: Finally dispelling the rumors that she has a penis, Lady Gaga bravely reveals that she has pixels for genitals.

1:19: Just so you know: jail.

1:21: For a minute I was confused why the guards were exercising with the prisoners, but then I realized that I was wasting my brain.

1:38: Those have got to be the most uncomfortable workout clothes ever made.

2:08: Okay, sunglasses made of cigarettes that spew out really fake CGI smoke I can let slide, but allowing a cell phone into a jail?! You, madam, have gone beyond the bounds of believability!

2:36: I won't lie. It's pretty damn avant garde to hire two extras whose only job it is to fight and and have them know nothing whatsoever about fight choreography.

3:12: "Kinda busy?" Standing around and watching a terrible fight?

3:27: Lada Gaga really hates contractions, I guess.

3:48: The guards really need to get a handle on these shenanigans.

4:06: And now Lady Gaga appears in the role she was born to play: A Silent Hill monster.

4:16: I don't care how good Virgin Mobile is; I defy you to find a place in that outfit to put a cell phone.

4:19: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (The Silent Hill thing is only element in the whole video that's really working.)

4:28: Well, that's pretty much just a totally irrelevant shot of a computer showing a website that advertises all the time in this very site's Google ads. Yup.

4:34: Don't tell me the guards wouldn't beat somebody to death for pulling shit like that in any other jail.

4:38: I wonder how this prison-guard-looking-for-dates plot thread's going to be resolved. (SPOILER: It doesn't.)

4:42: Oh boy! A movie reference!

4:57: Full disclosure: Beyonce taking that bite out of a honey bun made me laugh out loud. And I think that might have been the intent, even!

5:03: Oh, now they've ruined it.

5:21: I bet this video does well internationally, as it's pretty clear that Beyonce and Lady Gaga are both rather unfamiliar with the English language.

5:51: What is so wrong with the word "can't?" Is it just not hip anymore?

5:59: This one shot has made the experience of watching this video almost worth my time. Almost.

6:16: What the hell happened to Tyrese? Did somebody inject him with a serum that's slowly turning him into Tyler Perry?

6:30: I never thought I'd see this happen, but here we are. The biggest pop stars in the world are now making lyrics out of phrases my mom uses when the phone rings a lot.

6:57: Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread must have been honored to be a part of this video and its poison advocacy.

7:42: Yeah, okay, fine, they murdered everybody, great. Let's just move this along.

7:49: Attention criminals: If you've just been sprung on bail, the best course of action is apparently to act as an accomplice in mass murder, then to dance at the crime scene.

8:36: I can just imagine, at the end of a long session of brainstorming ideas for the video, a tapped-out and dazed Lady Gaga, struggling to come up with anything to add in near the end, mutters, "I dunno. Cheetah cabbie?"

9:02: At least they're closing on a strong note, with a reference to an even older movie.

9:19: And yet they couldn't go the full "Thelma and Louise" and have them drive off a cliff to their untimely deaths. Rats.

9:27: So, what have we learned? I think we've learned that the keys to pop stardom are 1) weirdness for the sake of weirdness, 2) outdated movie references, 3) a tenuous grasp of your native language and 4) rampant, shoehorned-in product placements.

Reach for the stars, girls!