March is here for us supervillains. But what exactly does that mean? Well, if you're the villain who celebrates love in some sort of way, then you have to get busy since March is the official month of love (as soon as our calendar takes effect - get on board early). You may already have your romantic target in your sights, or she might already be in your bedroom. No matter the case, she probably expects you to get/do something in celebration of your evil love. In order to help (hinder) your endeavors we have compiled a list of 8 different types of women supervillains commonly meet. Simply match your woman to the one in the list below and, viola, you now have an idea of what to get her this month. If the list doesn't assist you in some way, drink enough Drank until it starts to make sense. Then, drink some more until every word is a laser bolt of epiphany straight to your prefrontal cortex. Once that happens, get out there and maximize your chances at love.
The Supervillainess
Who Is She?: The Supervillainess is the female equivalent of a supervillain. It's a very simple concept that most of our henchmen can understand. You
might have teamed with her last week, or you could have spotted her on the ten o'clock news or a post office mug shot. Maybe you both shared one of those awkwardly romantic moments where you both simultaneous grabbed the only vial of Superplague. Now, it's time to amend your plan to include love.
What Do I Get Her?: (1) Her nemesis' head on a pike (2) The world's rarest jewelry/diamond (3) The world
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything. The supervillainess has discerning tastes which means you'll need to use the full force of your supervillainity to
your advantage. Unfortunately, shopping for the Supervillainess is as complicated as solving a Rubik's Cube while being eaten by sharks. Often, this requires you to do battle with some form of superhero. This can be as limited as her rogues gallery or as encompassing as every damned superhero on Earth depending on what you decide to give her. So while the benefits are awesome, the risks are extreme - a defeat here could result in your incarceration, your current machinations, or, most importantly, your status in her eyes.
Example: The Baroness (GI JOE: A Real American Hero)
The Hostage
Who Is She?: The Hostage is, well, a hostage. Since you are a supervillain, we're going to assume that you picked her up during one of you nefarious
operations - either that or she stowed away on your escape craft. She could be one of the lowly pedestrians who decided to cash her check on that fateful day, or a royal debutant whose country you just invaded. Or, maybe, you just had your eye on her for a while. No matter what, once she's safely locked away it's time to begin the romance.
What Do I Get Her?: (1) Her very own cell (2) A front row seat for your world domination schemes (3) Stockholm's Syndrome
What Could Go Wrong?: Once again, everything. Superheroes don't like hostage situations and taking a hostage is like playing "catch the hornet nest" with whatever superheroes are available that day (especially true if she's the debutant). This means that you could be giving her a bouquet of the now-extinct ruby blossoms while the heroes are disguising themselves as Girl Scouts and tricking their way into your fortress with promises of cookies. Plus, things do not work out so well when you find that your new hostage is actually a heroine out of costume.
Example: Elektra King (James Bond - The World is Not Enough)
The Number 1
Who Is She?: The Number 1 is your second in command, who happens to be a woman. However you managed this is irrelevant, you, now, just have to
follow through. Luckily for you, she most likely happens to be a supervillain or, at least, has supervillainesque tendencies which makes shopping all the easier, yet all the more irritating. Unlike the supervillainess (listed above), her happiness is directly related to your success. That can cause problems.
What Do I Get Her?: (1) The achievement of your master plan (2) The world's rarest jewelery/diamond (3) More power
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything. Seriously? Unfortunately, yes. You could treat her exactly like the Supervillainess but there is still that pressure on yourself to perform. With the Supervillainess, you could always masquerade your true intentions with coinciding "schemes" and still fly away with some future romantic potential. This isn't so with The Number 1. She knows your plans and, if you don't perform or deviate from the course, she'll know it. Don't expect anything from her if your orbital laser cannon doesn't cut a *complete* heart into Australia.
Example: Dr. Girlfriend (Venture Brothers)
The Superhero
Who Is She?: The Superhero is a superhero, obviously. You might have gotten starry eyed while watching her cut through your henchmen ranks (or was it
that punch you took?), or you might have caught a feel while wrestling for the remote. Either way, it's love and you won't let societal mores come between you and eternal happiness, right?
What Do I Get Her?: (1) Information on your fellow supervillains (2) Your fellow supervillains (3) Yourself
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything, and more. Unlike the other women on this list, you will have to actively sell out (or work that into a plan of yours,
somehow) your fellow supervillains. If there's one thing a Supervillain remembers, it's a grudge. Half of all supervillains are formed from grudges. It might not be so bad, initially, when you convince her that you've reformed, but, when you're caught building just *one* death-ray, you'll wind up in the latest supervillain Holding Facility alongside all
those fellow supervillains you jilted in the name of love.
Example: Power Girl
Comments
So hard to get a date when you're a villian
Posted by: Moni Bolis | March 8, 2010 12:06 PM