The Regular Girl
Who Is She?: The Regular Girl is, we don't know. However, you do! You probably met her as your secret identity while renting a movie, shopping for canned cheese, or sipping black coffee in a Starbucks. Or, you met her while advancing your next world domination scheme and she fell in love with your villainous side. Whoever she is, she's certainly not a superhero! And she's interested in you for you!
What Do I Get Her?: (1) Jewelry (2) A Romantic Dinner (3) You not getting arrested while on said dinner
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything, to a lesser extent. That's good news for you. Sure, she may turn you down for dinner or toss your card into the gutter (that bitch), but you won't be thrown into the sun. Or, hey, you could take her as a hostage (see above). Even better is that you can use your supervillainous successes to bestow upon her gifts she would never, ever receive from anyone she knows. She also gets to tell all her friends about her "dangerous" new boyfriend. So, unless she rats you out to the heroes or ditches you when she finds your mask in your hamper, you have a real chance at love! And, if she fell in love with your costumed self, all the better. Unless she really was a Superheroine secret identity. That just sucks.
Example: Harleen Quinzel (Batman: The Animated Series)
The Arm Candy
Who Is She?: The Arm Candy is the woman who you have taken on while you strut your stuff while painting the town red (not with blood). She's glamorous and chic, capable of wining and dining with the upper crust of society and always by your side. The Arm Candy is who you showcase when you impress your "business associates" and who helps keep the ruse of entrepreneurship alive, sexily. She doesn't know about your supervillain activities, but she may have an inkling of suspicion.
What Do I Get Her?: (1) Expensive jewelery (2) Yacht vacations in the Caribbean (3) The key to your private office
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything, sexily. Unlike The Number 1 (listed in Part 1), The Arm Candy is blissfully unaware of your wrongdoings - until the heroes or the superspy gets her attention. This means that she functions more like The Regular Girl (also listed above) but has greater public exposure. Unfortunately, by keeping her on your arm you'll never know when she'll unintentionally invite your enemies into your lair. You could be hosting a dinner party to scout potential targets and wind up facing your nemesis (whether you recognize each other is unknown) or similar infiltrator. Worse still is if you somehow offend her and she gives your adversaries complete access to your facilities. Either way your plan to irradiate Europe for ransom is in jeopardy.
Example: Princess Audrey (Justice League: The Animated Series - Maid of Honor)
The Stripper
Who Is She?: The Stripper is one of mankind's greatest inventions - a woman who will take her clothes off for money. Chances are that you met The Stripper in some sort of strip club or similar establishment you visited when you told your mother you were going out to the movies that one Saturday night. She is well dressed, albeit scantily, attractive, and has the ability to make men give her money. She's already an amateur supervillain and your money might just get her into, and later out of, costume.
What Do I Get Her?: (1) A drink (2) The murder of the drunken imbecile who keeps following her around (3) Fistfuls of unmarked, non-sequential dollar bills
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything, sexily, in a private room. The Stripper is trained to take money from men and, if you're a man, chances are that she can empty your wallet quicker than Wonder Woman can wrap you in her lasso of truth. That's actually the least of your problems - you do have a counterfeit currency scheme progressing, correct? The main problem is that you're a supervillain and, therefore, the jealous type. Just thinking of all those men she's grinding definitely will put a few (thousand) murders on your rap sheet. Murders aside (because you'd do that anyway), The Stripper will undoubtedly sell you out once the damn heroes find a suitable method of payment (more money). Don't worry, she'll smile and give you a lap dance next time you see her - for a price.
Example: Nancy Callahan (Sin City)
Death
Who Is She?: Death is the personification of death in the universe.
What Do I Get Her?: (1) Destruction (2) Nothingness (3) Annihilation
What Could Go Wrong?: Everything, and nothing. If you're courting Death, you're already a prime target on the heroes' hit list. Whenever you show up they're waiting to knock you and your universe-bomb back into wherever you came from. Since Death is the goal of your master plan, she isn't fond of the material possessions you already have. Why would she? She's an abstract concept. But, if you're looking for some celestial romance, consider annihilating everything in the universe in her honor. She'll like that.
Example: Death (Marvel: The End)
If you're observant, then you may have noticed that everything can go wrong with every woman on the list. If you're paranoid (and you are), then realize that none of your romantic endeavors will ever work out and that you'll die alone clutching a rotting bag of potatoes adorned with a mop head you used in lieu of the woman you're pining over as you draw your last breath. Now go out there and capture the woman of your dreams in your net of love. Just remember that women are like death rays - if you turn them on they'll short circuit and paint all your gelatin with petroleum-based house cats. That simile made much more sense when recited to us by a henchman drowning in acid.
