Do you have a job?
Of course you don't, the economy sucks right now. The few of you out there that do have jobs, I'm just going to take a stab at it and guess, you're there right now, aren't you? Keep up the good work. With unemployment you need to keep your options open. OJ Simpson was a decent football player, but was equally suited to acting and double homicide.
With crime on an unstoppable rise, soon even The Justice League will have to close shop. No need for them to worry though. With their skills there are plenty of jobs they could land.
Aquaman: Homicide Detective, Miami
Notable Skills: Breathes under water, talks to fish, swims fast
Why its perfect: Let's start with the city itself, Miami. The metropolis on Florida's coast with a violent crime rate two and a half times the national average.
If Miami Vice, CSI Miami or Grand Theft Auto have taught us anything, its if you are killed there, you are a hooker, and your body was dumped in the ocean. (There is a 30% chance you are Cuban)
In about five minutes he can get some dolphin to find the body, the weapon and ID the guy who did it. That's lunch. After that, he'll bring in Dexter, just for the hell of it.
Second Choice: When your first gig is "fight crime under water", bus boy at Applebee's is a step up.
The Flash: NASCAR Driver
Notable Skills: Incredible speed, "Fastest Man Alive"
Why its perfect: Most would say that any competitive sport would be perfect, given the speed advantage. But if you think about it, none of those sports are even a challenge for him. It would be like getting paid to arm wrestle preschoolers. He'd become bored and feel unfufilled. Not to mention if you are tired of hearing congress bitch about steriods in baseball now, what do you think they would do with this guy? NASCAR offers the perfect challenge of trying to be the fastest, while stuck in a vehicle infinantly slower than if he got out and pushed. Beats delivering pizzas which is also appropriate.
Second Choice: Jockey. Basically take the professional racing and add the element of another living creature who will NEVER be as fast as he is and you'll witness Flash as you never have before; sobbing a string of profanities at some stupid horse.
Wonder Woman: American Gladiator
Notable Skills: strength, intellegence, ability to discern the truth.
Why its perfect: She's already got the outfit. She wouldn't need a new name. She'd be just about as intimidating as she is now. You know, like how a really small dog can still bite pretty hard but can't reach any vital organs? Something like that.
Quick question, can you be an American Gladiator if you aren't American? Wasn't Gyro or someone Swedish? Who cares.
Second Choice: Secretary of State
Comments
"With crime on an unstoppable rise, soon even The Justice League will have to close shop."
If crime is on an unstoppable rise, than why would the Justice League close shop? They would have a ton of business and maybe be able to write off the time from their secret identity taxes.
Posted by: GL2814E | April 24, 2010 10:27 PM
It's a very simple concept. First, you graph the ratio of Number of Crimes (NoC) to Justice League Apprehensions (JLA). Then, you find the measure of the Number of Crimes Prevented by the Justice League Simply Standing Around Looking at the TV (NoCPbtJLSSALatT). Also, find the measure of Crimes Only Solvable by the Justice League and Not Some Buddy Cop Duo (COSbyJLaNSBCD). Put this all on the same graph with some tape or something.
Now, under normal circumstances, NOC and JLA rise fairly evenly and equally. That's no good. It's only when you add NoCPbtJLSSALatT and COSbyJLaNSBCD into the mix that things work out. You see, when COSbyJLaNSBCD increases, JLA decreases since the Justice League has to focus on the COSbyJLaNSBCDs. With the Justice League busy with COSbyJLaNSBCD, the NoCPbtJLSSALatT value decreases. When NoCPbtJLSSALatT decreases, the NoC increases.
Eventually, NoC will increase to such that JLA will decrease to such a degree on a percentile scale that the Justice League's activities will be rendered statistically insignificant. Once that occurs, the Justice League will be forced to disband due to pressure of various governments and cuts to their funding.
It is then that the Justice League will be forced to get different jobs.
Posted by: Villainous Godot | April 25, 2010 7:59 PM
That probes that Aquaman it's not lame.
Posted by: Moni Bolis | April 26, 2010 12:12 PM