April 16
Kick-Ass
What it's about: Some dude who hates black people (Aaron Johnson) dresses up in an ugly green costume to beat up said black people with sticks. That inspires some other people to put on less-ugly costumes and shoot folks. Everyone then says the word "superhero" like Stan Lee says it.
What to expect: For it to look like $#!T compared to whatever Mark Millar makes a movie out of next, according to Mr. Millar.
Death At a Funeral
What it's about: Director Neil LaBute of "Wicker Man" remake fame and star Chris Rock remake a British movie from three years ago, with some of the same cast members, even. But it's different this time because, you know, race.
What to expect: For this to look like $#!T compared to LaBute's next project, "Kick-Ass With Black People."
April 23
The Losers
What it's about: This adaptation of one of the best action comics of the last decade takes out a lot of the unnecessary stuff and replaces it with some good old expository narration. Whoooo!
What to expect: Slow-mo! People throwing stuff! Explanations!
The Back-up Plan
What it's about: Hennifer Lopez (Jennifer Lopez) goes to a sperm bank to get pregnant. But then she meets some guy (Alex O'Loughlin) in a taxi and they hit it off! But she's pregnant! What oh what is she to do?
What to expect: For the movie to take a weird turn after the abortion.
April 30
A Nightmare on Elm Street
What it's about: The story of burned child molester Freddy Kreuger (Jackie Earle Haley) gets restarted 16 years later with all kinds of fresh changes: references to video blogs, douchebags and a sullen tone of self-seriousness.
What to expect: Seriously, why would you take the one fun thing -- Freddy's hilariously terrible puns and silly jokes -- out of "A Nightmare on Elm Street?" Oh, Michael Bay, that's why.
